Childhood Sold

[Stickler]

Trying to come to grips with the reality that I was rented to pedophiles.
I have only remembered it this year.
I sort of go back and forth about thinking it's real? My alters tell me it is real.

I certainly am inclined to believe parts of it; the guy Jerry taking me to his car, having me in his car...getting angry if we whined about not wanting to have sex? We'd talk rather frantically to try to put it off until he unzipped his pants and we couldn't...put it off any more. He wasn't as big down there as dad, so it wasn't as bad, I guess...we felt really embarrassed.
We were afraid someone was gonna see us in the car. We were ashamed, it felt like it our fault. We feel gross and dirty.

...The party really happened. Me and this boy I knew from school and a bunch of guys. I got very sick with asthma, because they all smoked like chimneys.
Between my uncle, my dad, all the pedophiles, and all the people that I f*cked because I hoped they would stay and be kind to me? I've had upwards of 70 people, easy. Doesn't matter.
...How come that doesn't work, paying with sex to get attention? We don't know.

 

[Stickler]

We feel really stupid and worthless.

 

[shimmerz]

Memories are so difficult. I can say you aren't stupid, not worthless.... and believe it. You were young and you were taken advantage of in the worst way by predators. Sadistic, evil pedophile predators. You didn't deserve it, there was nothing you could have done to stop it.

I call myself an idiot a lot. I am working on switching that around. It is tough. Really tough. I see absolutely NOTHING in your posts @Stickler that would make me see stupid or worthless about you. I see a kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent person. Much love and much light to you my friend.

 

[bluebird]

Thank you for sharing. You are very brave and I am certain you are a good person. The things others did to you, the things others made you do - these are not your shame, not your fault, not at all. I hope you are doing well. It is challenging to see the truth we´ve been avoiding for years... I am glad you are able to share your thoughts and feelings. Take care ♥

 

[strangelings]

you are NOT stupid and worthless!

it's really hard to remember things like this. (yes, i have some experience there). but it is real, and you aren't bad or crazy. and your not bad for writing about it- writing about it helps.

d.

 

[Teasel]

So sad that your family didn't take good care of you. Sad that anyone on this earth could want to hurt you. And that the aftermath of this kind of abuse is so damaging to us.

I often feel stupid and worthless too - have been trying to have more compassion for myself lately. All the best to you @Stickler

 

[Weemie]

People want and need kindness. Nothing wrong with that. It should have been yours, without negotiation. Kids are entitled to that. Kindness, compassion, love without earning it. It's what grows us into well-adjusted adults. Adults without PTSD. When we look at a child and say, "you don't deserve kindness. It's your fault. You wanted suffering." You know, kids want peace, and love, and stability. That's it. It should have been yours.

 

[Stickler]

@ LR... what you say makes so much sense that I can't believe it. :banghead:
I ought not to have lived, so it's my fault. I was sickly, I should have died.

We cost daddy money. He hated us because we cost him money.

 

[Weemie]

I know. :hug: It's hard to get our heads around all that stuff. You know. We're sick, we're a burden. But we were kids. Kids are burdens by nature. They're completely dependent on us, it's our responsibility to ensure that they're safe and loved. They cost money, they get sick, they throw tantrums and break things and embarrass us and act out. It's kid stuff. I can't think of a single child that you'd treat like that, Stickie. No one shoulda done it to you.

 

[Stickler]

Well..no. I won't ever have kids. They're too horrifically breakable. Someone would break them, the way they broke us.
We see our niece and nephew-the poosome twosome-and wonder who will break them? We are terrified to care.

...New stuff.
The blips of memory: I *think* i was (we were) 7. I was taken to a motel room and dropped off by dad.
This time they gave us a blue pill. It was bitter, and they gave us booze...whiskey and soda, maybe? to wash it down with. Adult me says it was probably Valium, which was given out a lot back then?
They left me in the other room and put on the tv. I watched the tv, and I got very noodly. They came in one at a time. It was like they were doing it to somebody else, because we were just all limp. Unlike usually, it didn't hurt. We were not scared, we felt blank.
One of the guys had anal sex with us. Another kissed us and said he loved us while he was doing it to us. We blank out faces.
While we wrote this the feeling of being invaded down there...we got that. We felt limp. We remembered the television. We hate being called baby. All those guys called us baby and made us a Thing.

We are evil children. We are goddamn liars. Hate us.

 

[Ronin]

Yo you guys, take it just from statistics: this stuff isn't darned rare as certain parts of the world would prefer to think of it, & children are an easy prey for any sort of asshole, that it happened to be multiple assholes doesn't make it impossible.

People are horrifically breakable. That doesn't change they're also resilient & strong & deserving of chances folks. Not saying you need to have kids; or you should; or whichever. Saying to counter that as a sole reason to not have them.

Chances are since you know far more what to watch out for, you'd keep them out of danger. Because you've been there. You know how to spot the beast.

You aren't evil children. Children aren't evil. Fits with all scenarios. Adults with agendas are evil... but children aren't. *

(*Lot more thoughts on that I'm not yet starting as it would require me to stop being absorbed in similar beliefs, presently, but I know in my heart what I wrote is true, even though it doesn't feel like it. So passing that ball on.)

 

[Ronin]

We cost daddy money. He hated us because we cost him money.

You were awesome at reclaiming yourself just by staying alive in face of a sickly prick as very very young.
& Good job on making that loser lose what he apparently cared about.

You shouldn't have died. You kept up resistance however you could then; keep doing that now, too. Start by things like mindfulness of your breathing, it's fighting back enough.