Chaz Kindred
New Here
It's been over 3yrs since being released from the military. I was given PTSD, Anxiety and depression. I have recently found out that there was a process of things that shoould have happened while I was in theater after the blast, and more of which I guess I seem to have "missed" out on from the military before my honorable discharge.
Someone to relate to PTSD and this massive feeling of emotional numbness and feeling like everyone is attacking me in every sense and/or stuck in a corner. Even when I know they aren't I am not sure exactly where to begin on this as it's the first time I have really branched out to talk to someone. I do go see a VA doc but it's not a head shrink, it's one who right now is still "focusing on my PTSD symptoms and memory loss and anxiety ETC. I am married and am not exactly sure of even how to effectively communicate with my wife. I sincerely have no idea where to start on all this but ask for help and start from scratch. I have attached a paper I wrote for a composition class of mine if it helps.
FYI the paper shows more emotion and direct quotes almost.
It is close to three years now since being back from war for me. I am dealing with things that I never thought I would ever delt with. A person who I seek out every day is someone who I used to be. Finding back “the Chaz” as my friends would say, finding myself once again. So many different things waking up each day and wondering that maybe it had all just been an extremely long bad dream.
Issues I have confronted and have started to encounter in my process of life are PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a condition affecting people who suffered severe emotional trauma such as combat, Anxiety and Depression. I am the expert in being able to communicate effectively and reach out for help to doctors and family. Like Armstrong landing on the moon for the first time in his saying “one small step for man, one giant leap for man-kind.” I took one small step forward and made a giant leap in being able to open up.
Maybe it was a story I had read in a book once. Maybe I will be that same person who I once used to be. It’s a tough reality though in understanding that I have a problem. Once I do even after going and talking to all the doctors and dealing with all the paperwork and government process. It’s a struggle to be able to even talk to anybody about my feelings and emotions. It’s a huge battle to not feel like I am stuck in a corner trying to battle my way out into the light and be seen again. It’s a process that I re-learn to live each day as a new beginning
One thing I have learned to accept is all of the things that have happened in my life and the roughest part of it all is moving on. So many people are able to handle major events that happen to them. In the light of what happened to me was a series of major events that had taken place in a short amount of time. I took on more than my body had been able to and in my body’s own defense shut down everything to where I needed to rebuild it all over again emotions, communication and your day to day living.
It’s not an easy process and takes time of by which I am still dealing with multiple things and situations but a process none the least. I want to give a sense of light from the perspective of my point of view of what someone returning from war goes through. The flashbacks that happen in the blink of an eye, the constant nightmares that don’t seem to go away, and the daily stress of it all with little sleep a night. I am lucky if I get more than 5 hours. It’s something that requires a great deal of patience and persistence on the parts of the one person and all of those around them.
My wife looked into my eyes and said it’s like looking into emptiness, like I’m not really there. My parents can see that I’m not the same person I used to be. I become distant from everything in my surroundings. Basically sticking to myself and surviving on bare essentials including eating. Most of the time skipping meals, or eating so little that it barely covers enough nutrition to get me by. I dropped from weighing 186 to 154lbs.
I wasn’t interested in doing anything. I basically crawled into a hole inside my body that I never knew was there. I was constantly on edge. I showed little to no emotion to anything in my surroundings. Life for me as I knew it had stopped and I was living a non reality life. During this period of time my wife had seen me at my deepest darkest hours. Something I wish I had never wanted her to see. My thought process isn’t right, I thought of so many things I wouldn’t normally be thinking. It’s a pure reality that I was not the same person at all. And I felt like I had no control over my life anymore.
I have described is only a mere slight perspective brought into the light of what one person will go through. True there are so many different variables and situations that come into play and different people deal with very different things. But this is my life, and this is what I deal with each and every day. I have quit my smoking and have gained back my weight and then some. But the stress of everyday life is all too real and I don’t like it.
I have also started to better express my feelings and take into accountability of life in general and started to once enjoy it all over again. I even took on going to college for the first time too. So learning new things and dealing with all of life’s special moments can be more rewarding in everyday rituals, it’s more becoming of a life than before. I’m learning to get the Chaz back and it’s a new me, one for the better. One who can once again share his life with his wife and son.
One who has the time to spend with his family, one who enjoys things all over again. It’s beginning to be a new high in life. I’ve begun my process of looking into the lighter side of things. I have help in seeing things that were present that I couldn’t see brought to me from before. I’m one soldier who went outside the box, as they say in the Army, and asked for help. That’s one thing most soldiers aren’t geared for and taught how to do.
Asking for help is a good thing and with more and more soldiers starting to slowly ask for help the government is beginning to realize how strong and how real this problem really is. It affects more than just the soldier; it affects everyone who that one solder deals with each and every day. The events that most soldiers cannot talk about are the hardest to confront.
It all starts from taking that one small but giant step forward and making the initial contact for help. It’s a cold reality when thinking about it that something is wrong, but one that could save lives. I do call this a battle only because each day I learn to live with something new. I learn each moment all over again. I am basically re-teaching my life how to handle situations.
The most powerful advice is solid communication. Learning to openly talk to someone and have the ability to tell them what’s going on is the best I could do. I couldn’t just hold everything thing inside. If I were to keep everything inside me and never let anything out, eventually it would just erupt later down the road. Or some scientists or so I have heard, thought this to even have lead to Schizophrenia.
Now you have a sense of what I am talking about.
Someone to relate to PTSD and this massive feeling of emotional numbness and feeling like everyone is attacking me in every sense and/or stuck in a corner. Even when I know they aren't I am not sure exactly where to begin on this as it's the first time I have really branched out to talk to someone. I do go see a VA doc but it's not a head shrink, it's one who right now is still "focusing on my PTSD symptoms and memory loss and anxiety ETC. I am married and am not exactly sure of even how to effectively communicate with my wife. I sincerely have no idea where to start on all this but ask for help and start from scratch. I have attached a paper I wrote for a composition class of mine if it helps.
FYI the paper shows more emotion and direct quotes almost.
It is close to three years now since being back from war for me. I am dealing with things that I never thought I would ever delt with. A person who I seek out every day is someone who I used to be. Finding back “the Chaz” as my friends would say, finding myself once again. So many different things waking up each day and wondering that maybe it had all just been an extremely long bad dream.
Issues I have confronted and have started to encounter in my process of life are PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a condition affecting people who suffered severe emotional trauma such as combat, Anxiety and Depression. I am the expert in being able to communicate effectively and reach out for help to doctors and family. Like Armstrong landing on the moon for the first time in his saying “one small step for man, one giant leap for man-kind.” I took one small step forward and made a giant leap in being able to open up.
Maybe it was a story I had read in a book once. Maybe I will be that same person who I once used to be. It’s a tough reality though in understanding that I have a problem. Once I do even after going and talking to all the doctors and dealing with all the paperwork and government process. It’s a struggle to be able to even talk to anybody about my feelings and emotions. It’s a huge battle to not feel like I am stuck in a corner trying to battle my way out into the light and be seen again. It’s a process that I re-learn to live each day as a new beginning
One thing I have learned to accept is all of the things that have happened in my life and the roughest part of it all is moving on. So many people are able to handle major events that happen to them. In the light of what happened to me was a series of major events that had taken place in a short amount of time. I took on more than my body had been able to and in my body’s own defense shut down everything to where I needed to rebuild it all over again emotions, communication and your day to day living.
It’s not an easy process and takes time of by which I am still dealing with multiple things and situations but a process none the least. I want to give a sense of light from the perspective of my point of view of what someone returning from war goes through. The flashbacks that happen in the blink of an eye, the constant nightmares that don’t seem to go away, and the daily stress of it all with little sleep a night. I am lucky if I get more than 5 hours. It’s something that requires a great deal of patience and persistence on the parts of the one person and all of those around them.
My wife looked into my eyes and said it’s like looking into emptiness, like I’m not really there. My parents can see that I’m not the same person I used to be. I become distant from everything in my surroundings. Basically sticking to myself and surviving on bare essentials including eating. Most of the time skipping meals, or eating so little that it barely covers enough nutrition to get me by. I dropped from weighing 186 to 154lbs.
I wasn’t interested in doing anything. I basically crawled into a hole inside my body that I never knew was there. I was constantly on edge. I showed little to no emotion to anything in my surroundings. Life for me as I knew it had stopped and I was living a non reality life. During this period of time my wife had seen me at my deepest darkest hours. Something I wish I had never wanted her to see. My thought process isn’t right, I thought of so many things I wouldn’t normally be thinking. It’s a pure reality that I was not the same person at all. And I felt like I had no control over my life anymore.
I have described is only a mere slight perspective brought into the light of what one person will go through. True there are so many different variables and situations that come into play and different people deal with very different things. But this is my life, and this is what I deal with each and every day. I have quit my smoking and have gained back my weight and then some. But the stress of everyday life is all too real and I don’t like it.
I have also started to better express my feelings and take into accountability of life in general and started to once enjoy it all over again. I even took on going to college for the first time too. So learning new things and dealing with all of life’s special moments can be more rewarding in everyday rituals, it’s more becoming of a life than before. I’m learning to get the Chaz back and it’s a new me, one for the better. One who can once again share his life with his wife and son.
One who has the time to spend with his family, one who enjoys things all over again. It’s beginning to be a new high in life. I’ve begun my process of looking into the lighter side of things. I have help in seeing things that were present that I couldn’t see brought to me from before. I’m one soldier who went outside the box, as they say in the Army, and asked for help. That’s one thing most soldiers aren’t geared for and taught how to do.
Asking for help is a good thing and with more and more soldiers starting to slowly ask for help the government is beginning to realize how strong and how real this problem really is. It affects more than just the soldier; it affects everyone who that one solder deals with each and every day. The events that most soldiers cannot talk about are the hardest to confront.
It all starts from taking that one small but giant step forward and making the initial contact for help. It’s a cold reality when thinking about it that something is wrong, but one that could save lives. I do call this a battle only because each day I learn to live with something new. I learn each moment all over again. I am basically re-teaching my life how to handle situations.
The most powerful advice is solid communication. Learning to openly talk to someone and have the ability to tell them what’s going on is the best I could do. I couldn’t just hold everything thing inside. If I were to keep everything inside me and never let anything out, eventually it would just erupt later down the road. Or some scientists or so I have heard, thought this to even have lead to Schizophrenia.
Now you have a sense of what I am talking about.
