Sometimes I Think Maybe I Made It All Up

[Blues in NYC]

Been having a hard time with something lately. Done over three months of intensive therapy, EMDR and brainspotting.

Originally was diagnosed with PTSD based on some recent experiences with an out of control insane drug addicted tenant in our building who tried to burn it down repeatedly, threatened to kill us, prevented us from sleeping for nearly two years and an imbalanced justice system here in NYC that makes it very difficult to deal with such life-threatening situations from problem tenants. (The downside to having strong tenant protection laws on the books! Seems like it's the worst people out there that exercise these laws the most!)

But soon after reporting to my doc that I'd witnessed and intervened on a suicide attempt of one parent four days before my 17th birthday, it became clear that all was not right in Denmark. Memories slowly were recovered of witnessing and sometimes intervening on many self harming events by this parent, going all the way back to my earlier years. Family history came out of the degree of abuse this parent suffered as a child--things I only learned in my 20's. (I never knew my grandmother was my "step grandmother" until I was 22. And she was as wicked as they come.) Then memories of severe dissociative behavior came out. Memories of severe public shamings came back, when they would behave to the point of grade school officials considering calling police when the parent would not calm down. And more memories of this parent's bizarre outbursts and verbal tirades of racial hatred that would come out of no where and then suddenly subside as quickly as they came.

I know she would yell at me for hours. Two points off on a spelling test might or might not mean a long insipid nagging to the point of madness shame-fest. Verbal abuse. Emotional abuse.

But when my therapist asks me "Can you think of any particular thing your mother used to say when she got mean to you? Really mean?" -- I just can't. I thought the self harming and the suicide attempt and the public shamings were the core of my trauma. But I simply can't remember what she used to say that hurt so badly. I have a feeling it was insipid. I have a really hard time with criticism that is not clinical and removed like an art school critique. Any note of criticism that is heart felt can trigger me into an internal spiral of negativity. And not just criticism directed at me... criticism of some buffoon on a reality show does it. I had a recent breakthru where I realized that I can't take any negative or critical remark made in passing at face value because every remark in my house growing up with my very sick mother was so insipid.

But when I can't remember the words she would say when all those other things--some going back to six years of age--came back clearly... I just can't help but feel the creeping doubt that seems intrinsic with this crap. That stupid voice that asks "If I can't remember that part, did I just make it all up?" And then all the family denial and my mothers disociation memory problems that always clouded the validity of my own understanding of my abuse kicks in and I feel so stupid, like I must be faking this PTSD crap and maybe I'm just a bad person.

I know that sort of thinking is BS. But man can it really get into your heart. Does anyone else struggle with this? Need I even ask? And does anyone have any tips or kind words to help me through this moment. I feel like of all the lost memories, what exactly she would say during those times--my god--it just feels like too dark of a black hole for me to ever remember...

ugh.

 

[BlankCanvas]

Hey there Blue,

Rest assured my friend, you're not making this all up. Although I'm sure it feels pretty unreal at times. It sounds to me like not remembering exactly what your parent said to you boils down to dissociation. In regards to my own experiences, I've minimized the physical abuse I experienced as a young girl. I thought it was insignificant in regards to PTSD. The abuse became normalized beceause I didn't know anything different. My guess is that the verbal/emotional abuse you experienced was something that grew into 'just the way it was'. I know that I learned to dissociate quite easily when I was being hit with verbal diarrhea by my mother (I still do this today). When I dissociate the words literally go in one ear and out the other. However, even though we think we're protecting ourselves from what is being thrown at us by dissociating, somewhere in our brain all of this nonsense is being processed. The hurt, shame, grief, etc is all going on beneath the surface, we're just not aware of it (this is how my psychologist has explained it to me).

When I first started therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD I was convinced that it all stemmed from a sexual assault I experienced as a teenager. Through my therapy I've noticed that the sexual assault, while painful, has been relatively 'easy' to dive into. However, when my psychologist started to dig into the family stuff... I fell apart. It took her a long time to get me to take an honest look at this part of my life and we've since left it for later because it became too overwhelming. I'm not looking forward to addressing these things in the future!

Eek, this is getting long. I'll leave it at this... From my own traumas/abuses survived, the verbal/emotional abuse has been considerably difficult to tackle. Physical abuse is easy to identify, it leaves cuts and bruises as obvious evidence. This is similar to an event like intervening in a suicide attempt. It's an obvious 'event'. For myself, emotional/verbal abuse is subtle and harder to pinpoint to specific dates/times. It's a complicated thing to deconstruct, but it is very significant. Hell, I'm convinced that a lot of my distorted beliefs come from this kind of abuse.

Sorry for rambling, haha. I hope, if nothing else, this has made you feel less alone in what you're experiencing. Sounds like you're touching on some really significant parts of your past right now. This will all come together for you in due time. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best.

 

[Marlene]

When I first started seeing my therapist it was for something that was completely different than it is now. I had received a diagnosis of PTSD from my psychiatrist. I didn't know exactly what that meant or meant to me and I couldn't figure out why other than a delay (three year delay) in dealing with the death of my father. It only took a few sessions for so much more stuff to come out and for both of us to figure out that the death of my father was just the jumping off point for things going downhill in my life. Two and a half years later and I'm still working on dealing with all sorts of past issues that have popped up.

I read this quote and it really stuck with me-I believe there are two stages in the development of PTSD. Firstly there is childhood trauma which may or may not lead to the onset of a diagnosable depressive or anxiety. Then a second traumatic incident or set of circumstances arise which trigger the full-blown PTSD. In my view there must be these two stages and the onset of PTSD is dependent on a traumatic event or environment in childhood. -Bob Murray PhD It stuck with me because it described my situation to the letter.

No, you didn't make it all up. You've just tucked it all away very neat and tidy. Now it's starting to come back to you. I say this to myself as well as to you. It's easier and more self-protective to say 'I made it all up. It really didn't happen that way'. That way you don't have to deal with the past and all of the pain associated with it. Plus the happy little world that was created to go over the bad stuff can stay intact.

But you are dealing with it. When things get to be too much, give yourself a break and come back to it later. Trust me, it will wait for you. Take care of yourself and pace yourself while dealing with all of this.

Lisa

 

[clare]

Dear Blues,

I can really relate to your "amnesia." I'm going to try, with the help of this forum, to find techniques to recover lost memories. I do this very grudgingly because of a current legal situation which is forcing me to admit to purgery. I know this, while memories may become distorted-they should at least exist! If your recollection is a "black hole" and not caused by physical trauma, ie., seizures, head injury, alcoholism-you should in time be able to recover them, right? I hope so for both our sakes, as it would seem to me to be a necessary measure for healing.

I see you've already had some great responses to this thread. So just ignore mine-I just felt compelled to commiserate.

Peace,

clare

 

[Irton Pike]

Blues

Yes this feels like life to me. I think it is normal to reassess everything. I take my PTSD from my car crash when my whole world went crazy man! But recent councelling has brought up incidents in my childhood, especially verbal and physical abuse from my mother.

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi Blues,

I too had VERY verbally abusive parents who could rage at me for hours over something as trivial as dropping a pen on the floor. I don't remember a lot of the specific situations where they would rage at me verbally, probably because it happened on an hourly basis so it's all blended together, but I do remember it all as more of an overview.

I remember the words, but not the exact situations. And I still feel as if I'm making the whole thing up. So for you to think that you made it up when you don't have clear memories of it makes a ton of sense.

My parents deny the whole thing as well and like I said, even though I do remember the verbal abuse, their denial adds another layer of confusion and doubt to my thinking, and I think "Could I be wrong about the whole thing then". So I see where you would have the doubts that you have.

But just know that you did not make any of it up. It's just hard for our minds to comprehend such abuse, especially verbal abuse that does not leave any visable proof. And when I think that we were just innocent children at the time, it's hard to process how someone (especially our parents) could do that to a child.

It doesn't make sense, and therefore our automatic response is to think that maybe it didn't happen. But the proof is showing up in our lives today, and therefore it did happen, whether anyone else admits it not, and whether we remember it all in detail or not.

Keep up the good work and thank you for sharing.

 

[heather q]

When I'm in a therapy session and I start saying 'I think I'm making all this up' I get crowded with shame, I dissociate and then I don't know. I know that when this happens I'm on the brink of finding out something I don't want to know about. I believe that it, whatever it is, did happen and then
it comes up, or little snippets of it come up and I get to work through it piece by piece. Triggers from all directions add to it.

It is quite difficult and makes me sad that I was treated so badly and here I am missing a few unknown years. I can easily come up with things mum said 'at' me, I believed them all, and it's only now that I'm able to see that it wasn't me, it was mum. All that damage, for what, for power over a small child.

Something was very wrong. I cannot make a mistake, I cannot do anything unless it's perfect. So I'm fighting a very uphill battle, I didn't know it was ok to make mistakes and that nobody is perfect. I have worked so hard to not be criticized and still be criticized, I feel like I've got a grip on how I got this way, now I'm working on not being this way. A big process. I also have a lot of body pain, depending on what I'm talking about, and I can't have anything in my pockets because I'm so physically sensitive when I talk about this stuff.

Mum used to say "If looks could kill" and "You'll be the death of me" look for that sort of thing, things that are shaming and blaming and induce guilt and whatever else. I found myself unable to look at people because I thought I could do harm. Turns out I couldn't and didn't, but I still feel as if I did or could, I have to remind myself the true side of it.

I just wanted you to know that it'll probably show up, give it a chance, it tends to keep coming up once it starts. So I shall be wishing you well.

I learned a great deal about it when I read up on 'The Narcissistic Family Diagnosis and Treatment,' by Robert Pressman & Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, I saw my situation on just about every page, it was very enlightening. I have read it several times and never get bored with it.

Heather

 

[Blues in NYC]

Wow. A lot to digest here. I've been checking in on this thread and the responses folks have left throughout the day. I thank you all for your sincerity, generosity and compassion. At the moment, the doubt is not as bad as it was earlier.

I have another session with my doc tomorrow and this will no doubt be something we'll be talking about. And I'll be reading and rereading some of the recommendations for how to cope and coax this stuff along and taking some notes probably later this weekend.

When I first joined, I remember someone remarking being "blown away" by the people on this forum. I didn't quite get it then. But today, I truly feel blown away by the goodness that all of you have shown. Thank you. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Grama-Herc]

The quote made by Marlene has certainly hit home for me.

I recall when I received the approval for my disability claim. My 1st thought
was, Boy I really pulled off a good one.

It was my 85 yo mother who put it all in perspective. She said and I quote. "Hey, you did not fill in all the paper work necessary to apply for your disability, YOUR DOCTORS DID".

We are ill with something no one can SEE. Somehow, we think that negates the validity of our problems.

Mental illness will always be questioned because it can't be seen. We even question ourselves as shown here by the experiences of others.

My T. told me a long time ago that a lot of my lost memories may never come back and that is OK. Just means my "self" can't handle it and that is no biggie.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Blues -

I've been mulling over this thread for a day or so - trying to find the right words. I may not still get it right, but I want you to know this:

You DID NOT make this up......
You HAVE been through horrible experiences that have damaged you......

I believe our mind minimizes what has happened to us, to protect us. So yeah, I do the same thing - if I heard on a news report, or saw in a movie even a tiny bit of what I dealt with as a child, I would be alarmed, feel horrible for that poor child, etc. But with my memories (which have gaps and bumps) it's like it's not really me, and even though I know it is I don't have those same (natural) reactions to my memories. I automatically minimize it also (previously I would minimize it MUCH worse). I think this is unfortunately normal when we have tried for years to ignore / stuff down / pretend like nothing happened. This is why most T's will tell you - that dealing with it is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, because at some point we will have those emotions, but once they are dealt with, hopefully we will be whole again.

 

[Mina]

There was all kinds of verbal crap in my house growing up, and while I do remember a lot of the words, what I remember more is the tone of voice in which things were said. I swear, my mother could make just about anything sound like Heather said - shaming, blaming, and guilt-inducing...not to mention disapproving. Maybe the part of your mother's being 'really mean' that registered with you was not so much on the verbal level of her actual words, but the rest of the cues she was throwing off: tone, sighs/groans/what have you, gestures, facial expression, stance, and just plain negative energy. One more possibility to consider, I guess.

 

[Blues in NYC]

Checking back in. Had a bit of a breakthru day yesterday with my Doc. She was able guide me back into the dissociative state that I think I used to go in during these episodes. And in that controlled environment she was able to help me experience it in a way that I have some recall of the dissociation now--what my own biological sensory deprivation felt like. Between that and many other peoples accounts supplied above, I feel like I've made a bit of progress on this one.

I even slept seven hours last night. And I think I had a good dream or two too! :occasion: