Relationship I Made A Mistake. Can We Ever Reconcile?

[Mistakesman94]

I understand that in her mind she may have thought I was flirting and maybe that is what you were getting at. But to say I was flirting back he completely missed that mark and is not helping anyone.

 

[Pixielicious]

@Mistakesman94 I just personally think that cheating is wrong, no matter what, PTSD is no excuse for cheating, ever. And as far as I'm concerned, taking the stance of a normal healthy relationship, about cheating, is just as pliable to any couple, with or without PTSD involved.

For eve to come accusing you unjustly isn't correct or healthy, or helping your aching heart.

To disagree with me is fine @EveHarrington but to blame op for flirting, when he clearly stated that he didn't is not healthy and very insensitive of you imho.

And I'd also like to point out that, this is a free forum for everybody to give their input freely, there is no wrong or right way to give an opinion. Or advice. Unless it clearly goes against the site rules or the advice is harmful. I do not come with an arrogant attitude claiming I know more about PTSD etc, because I don't and I'm still learning about this nightmare I live in, and I'd appreciate it if you could give me the same courtesy from now on. Thank you.

 

[feetfirst]

This is where I made the mistake, after this week and a half of constantly feeling emotionally drained and upset I made a mistake.... And will she ever be able to forgive me for the mistake I made on my birthday. I feel like I've forever tainted the best thing to happen to me with one little slip of the tongue.... At the end of the day I was hurting too, and I know it takes a special level of emotional stability being a supporter but I just wasn't educated enough at the time to make the right decisions. Is there any fixing this?

The feelings you're experiencing seem very similar to mine. I'm new here too. This forum has been so helpful to me, mostly in helping me to focus on myself and take care of myself. Like me, you sound completely focused on her and walking on eggshells making sure you say just the right thing and not anything that will make things worse. Like me, you sound more focused on her well-being than your own.

What I've been learning in the last month is that PTSD is going to rear its ugly head pretty much regardless of what I say. Sometimes my words may make it better or worse, but other times his distorted thinking makes my words irrelevant. When I put all my focus and energy on the Sufferer, I get over stressed and lose my center. In that spot, I'm unable to be the consistent, stable Supporter he needs. Putting the focus back on myself, "detaching with love" and staying out of his business are the best things I can do for him, me and us.

My experience has been that when things get escalated, he often says he can't have me in his life. Once he comes down, he backs off from that statement. So yes there's hope. I don't know if your Sufferer is like this too, but mine feels very conflicted about me in his life: part of him desperately wants things to work out and for us to be together long-term and the other part feels like my presence makes him too uncomfortable to be in his life. I had been discounting the negative part and focusing on the positive part, which made him feel like I wasn't acknowledging his feelings. I've learned that both parts exist. If I want to be in his life, I have to be able to live with that ambiguity.

I hope things work out for you and that you're able to take care of yourself. The one piece of advice I have is not to force it. If you're already let her know you want things to work out, let her go. Give her time and space and let her come back to you. You can't decide for her and have to accept her decision either way, knowing she's doing her best to take care of herself.

 

[joeylittle]

You were with this girl for about 7 months when all of this started going down, yes?

Honestly and truly - that 6, 7 month marker is usually the end of the honeymoon phase of dating (where feelings are particularly intense), and the beginning of the reality of building a relationship (where there are all sorts of stumbling blocks that come up.)

I honestly thought she was the one though, and there are so many regrets on my end.

I don't mean this to be harsh - but I don't think you were with her long enough to know. In reading your story, what stood out to me was that she first tried to break up with you, and you pushed back against that. I'm not saying that was a wrong thing to do - but, I hope, in the future that you can recognize that sometimes, when someone that you've only been dating for half a year says they want to go, it's probably best to let them go.

That's just my two cents.

 

[CDKLaw]

Listen, you sound like such a lovely person. Just because someone has trauma issues does not give them the right to f*ck someone else over. It sounds like she was not too considerate of your feelings and expected much tolerance from you. You will forgive her cheating but she won't forgive you referencing it? I think you deserve so much better. I know it hurts really badly. I hope that you can realise your worth and the pain will recede soon.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just personally think that cheating is wrong, no matter what, PTSD is no excuse for cheating, ever. And as far as I'm concerned, taking the stance of a normal healthy relationship, about cheating, is just as pliable to any couple, with or without PTSD involved.

Agreed 100%! PTSD isnt an excuse to cheat by stating its push/pull! It isnt! Its cheating!

Im a rather pro of push/pull. Having BPD ("I hate you don't ever leave me") helps on the push/pull. I will push you away from me but then beg you to not leave. But, I would never, ever, EVER, cheat!

To me, it sounds like she is trying to rope you along. So she can go do what she wants but rope you back if she wants.

There is a lot of push/pull in this story but when you cheat, the remainder doesnt matter. If you cant stay faithful to one person (even with push/pull) then you dont need to be with one person.

May not be purposeful manipulation. Im careful what i call purposeful manipulation, but this ISN'T normal PTSD push/pull.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Agreed 100%! PTSD isnt an excuse to cheat by stating its push/pull! It isnt! Its cheating!...

I definitely agree with this. My SO does a LOT of push/pull and has ultimately said a lot of pretty shitty things to me, both as a result of my actions or as a result of the place he's been in at the time. But even during angry times where he says he never wants to see me again, he hasn't actively sought out others to be with and during good times, has said that he feels that if he were actually interested in someone else (as opposed to just interested in pushing me away) that it'd be truly over.

 

[Hojay]

Hm, IMHO it sounds like she has a hard time taking responsibility for her actions and has a habit of blaming everything (you, PTSD, whatnot) for her poor choices. The mindfork in all this is that she's succeeded in making you believe you are to blame for her behavior - that's a manipulation. Maybe not consciously, but manipulative nonetheless.

Bottom line is this: even if you DID flirt with that girl (you didn't, it's a narrative she's come up with) and even if you DID hurt her with that comment about the guy from work (really?! She can cheat on you but how dare you bring it up? What kind of logic is that? That's the definition of not taking responsibility) - even if you made 100 mistakes, she would have NO RIGHT to play cat and mouse with you, string you along, and take no responsibility for her reaction to the perceived slights. That's on her. If she really lost her feelings and can't get over the (imagined) slights then she should be fair and break it off for good, not put you in the position to get hurt over and over again. That's what good, mature, and healthy people do. PTSD is NO EXCUSE to let those standards and morals go out the door.

There's a difference between PTSD and just a plane bad attitude and personality. If you're the type of person to selfishly, egocentrically, and consistently do whatever you want, blame others for the consequences, make everything about you, as well as keep people around to fulfill your own needs and agenda you're going to be that person with or without PTSD.

I'd say, use this time to take a big step back and take a good look at who this woman REALLY is without the excuse of the illness. It takes time for people to really reveal themselves for who they are, months, years even. I wouldn't see this as some big change in her personality you brought about but a gradual unpeeling of her true nature (or her nature right now. But who has time to wait around for someone to undergo a major personality transplant, right?)