Other Sometimes I Wonder...

[RavenGirl]

Let me start by saying this is a poem that I haven't EVER shared with anyone, so I'm shaking a little as I write this.:depressed: I wrote this poem during the years of my abuse, so keep that in mind. As you can see, I didn't go through with what I was contemplating. :inlove:
Sometimes...
Sometimes I wonder. .. Is life worth living, there's so much taking and not enough giving.
Sometimes I wonder. .. As I sit and stare, Was I put here for a reason? Does anyone care?
Sometimes I wonder. ..Am I here for you, Or am I just here with nothing to do?
Sometimes I wonder. .. How life would be without you. I'll tell you one thing, my life would end too. For I am you although you don't know, I am the one who still loves you so.
Sometimes I wonder. .. is life worth living, they's so much taking and not enough giving.

 

[Gadgie]

That's a good one, it's even better when you can understand it's meaning.

I've written a few in the past, I've got one in here somewhere, it was one of my first posts.

The last verse in one of them, goes like this......

I know I shouldn't live in the past,
And that life must carry on,
But where's the shame in coming last,
When your reason for winning has gone.

 

[RavenGirl]

Yes, but as we all know now we can never let those who did us harm win. We are better than them, we are stronger than them, we are the winners in my eyes! I find solace in the fact that they will get what they have coming to them in some way at some time. Whether it be in the here and now, or in the afterlife at judgement day. ;) ( no I'm not a Bible Thumper but I believe) :D

 

[Ivan the Elder]

It is something I have been wondering for nine months now. I was told when young that taking you own life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what about when the problem is permanent? Then where does that solution lie?

I am not suicidal and never will be for two main reasons. God has gone to unusual lengths to keep me alive during my 66 years or so. It wouldn't be right for me to take myself away. I strongly feel there is a reason why he has refused to let me die. It is up to him when I go and it is my duty to stay here to be here when I must be needed for some reason. I do have one clue why it might be but it is only a guess.

The other reason I will stay as long as I am able is that when 16 I made a vow to never hurt anybody no matter what, even if it cost me a lot. Killing myself would be the greatest harm I could do to my children so there is no possibility I will do that.

I will say that the eventuality of death no longer bothers me at all. I have dealt with that very deeply during and after the time I had a couple and possibly three haemorrhagic strokes. The only thing that really bothers me is the chance of ending up almost dead but not quite. My doctor has full permission to end that should I wind up in that situation. I only hope that he does if that time comes.

As for why I may be wanted to stay alive, I have an extremely rare genetic disease that causes a form of central apnea. Mine is of the "weak" type meaning that it hasn't killed me yet. When I was diagnosed with this apnea about four years ago the doctors had no clue what it was or any way to treat it. It turns out that I may be the oldest person on Earth with this type of apnea. With my knowledge of science and medicine I thought up a way to treat myself in a very simple way. It was something the doctors I spoke to thought would be a total waste of money and time. But because it couldn't hurt me they allowed me to do it my way and it worked.

It worked perfectly the very first night I used it and even better it seems to have reprogrammed my brain to breath correctly after about three years. I have the long term brain damage to show for the lack of enough oxygen I have had for most of my life. But, for some unknown reason it hasn't destroyed my ability to think.

When this form of apnea is present in a newborn child it is common that they die the first time they fall asleep. Some might make it days or a few months and a very few live some years. Almost none make it to adulthood.

If this can be investigated at a research centre somewhere with my assistance in the tests the possibility exists that I may be able to save the lives of at least hundreds and maybe even thousands of children over time. For that reason I will be moving to Victoria where they have a medical school now and see if I can get someone there interested in doing the necessary research with me. I plan to move next year in the summer.

I hope as hard as I can that it works the way it seems to work in me. The idea of saving so many children from certain death seems like a pretty good reason for God to keep me alive. That means I have work to do and I must do it. I owe God a lot and must repay my debt.

 

[RussH]

t is something I have been wondering for nine months now. I was told when young that taking you own life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I would say that even it the problem is permanent, we should still not take a final solution to the problem, but rather learn to live in spite of it, and triumph over it.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't think "temporary problem" refers to whatever a person might be suffering from; it refers to the temporary nature of the period of time when the pain is acutely unbearable.

Our ability to manage adversity, whether it be in the form of chronic or fatal illness, will generally create an ebb and flow to the suffering that leads one to consider taking their own life.

That phrase can help a suicidal person remember that there is always a possibility for the extremity of the pain to lessen, even for a moment.

I have organic medical issues that aren't temporary. But feeling like I cannot bear them one more day, that is always a changeable feeling (even if it's changed by drugs). So, suicide is always a permanent 'solution' to a temporary state/problem.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

"I would say that even it the problem is permanent, we should still not take a final solution to the problem, but rather learn to live in spite of it, and triumph over it."

I agree. But it can be very difficult to see that solution, as so many people very unfortunately demonstrate.
Seeing the possibility of triumph sure can be hard. Even though I will not kill myself it sure has looked like a way to deal with the problem, once and for all. I repeat, I will not do it but it can very much seem like the only way out.

 

[Nevermore]

Oh! I can relate to the feelings - I think possibly most or at the very least many people have had these feelings at some stage of their life.
Part of my own trauma involved suicide of both my ex and also a close friend )-:
I can only say the fallout is immense and the pain will always be there to some degree. It took a lot of effort not to follow
That's how I know I'd never do it no matter how hard it gets. It's better to battle on with the rest of humanity and better still to find a way to be content despite it all - even if the ways you find seem whacky to the outside observer.
For me it's nature. Trees and birds in particular give me so much unexplainable joy!!
And yes I do hug trees. Blush.
The human world is a bit of a mess I think, but there's more to this world than humans!
i do know though how dark it can get )-:

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I have spent a great deal of time in the deep wilderness, as far from civilization as I can get. Where I live that is very deep too. The average population here outside the few large metropolitan areas is about 1 person per two square kilometres. It is easy to hike and canoe into areas where you are the only person to be seen for a week or even a month. I usually would go with a friend and/or my son and have canoed something like 2000 kilometres over the years. It is where I like to be the most of all. It is very literally God's Country. I also very much like deserts and have spent time in the remote areas in Arizona. Unknown to many is that the central interior of BC is also a large Desert area. Even where I live now the average precip is about 15 inches water per year and half an hour drive to the west about half that. We even have dunes.

 

[RavenGirl]

Yes, I've lived with debilitating migraines since 87, cronic pain since 89, and the fear of glaucoma since about the same year too. I know exactly what @joeylittle is saying. Then in the last year I was diagnosed with 4 other conditions... I cried a lot, dealt with it all, then dug deep to find the good that was still in my life, the things that make it worth living. Yes I have constant pain every day, but most days I still find something to be glad about. Something to live for. :)