Hi, I'm new to this forum and I worry that I'll screw things up. there are a lot of rules, and I suck at spelling.. lot's of it has to do with the reason I'm here.
I guess I'll start with what I'm feeling right now? I keep feeling like I'm still choking and often question why I'm still alive. I have to see the person who did this too me on a regular basis, for they're my sons other mom, and have legal custody. I don't know what im doing here and I'm constantly nervous about triggering myself.. its be happening a lot lately.. I was ... cant say it right now, but one of the major incidences lead to me being in a coma, and with sever brain injuries. sorry if I seem scattered, my brain really sucks now at sequencing. I've been curious if this happens to do with anything the brain scans aren't finding or if this has to do with the PTSD side of it. Basically I started using this website to see if it can help me pull my shit together..
I've got a nine year old kid, and sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions with him, I don't think I'm actually doing this, but I feel like I'm f*cking up. I hate to even think about this, but I see his other parent in him all the time and it makes me feel.. dead inside, like I want life in all forms to end on its own accord... .......... they thought I tried to kill myself and that's why I was found like I was. I was lynched.. gotta stop the tears, and visuals, and numbness.
It's been nine freaking years already, my son ended up healthy through all of this, amazingly enough. The shittiest part is that I had amnesia for almost a year, then I remembered basic things about myself, reformed the rest if me and eventually about 5 years into it I began having these horrible images and feeling like I was choking... or if a part of my spine brushed against something I'd have flashes of the same images, all in the same place, (where I was found) eventually saw more and more.then it started feeling more and more like I was there. Meanwhile I didn't want to know any of this. I'd rather I never got the face of who did this to me, I wish I never found out what happened and continued to think it was by my own hands. I wish it never happened. sometimes I tell myself it didn't, that I'm just crazy and am making shit up. I wish this was true. I wish I could just pull myself together.
One of my flashbacks lasted about six months and I had no idea what was going on... it was mostly all physical.. up until this point I thought a physical flashback was just the short episodes of gagging among other things, but this lasted so long my doctors and I started thinking I had something seriously wrong with my body, but couldn't find anything in any of the tests.. I knew I was having a lot of flashbacks at the time but I had no idea that the pain that forced me to walk with a cane, was related in any way to these. I've noticed that if I don't stop moving I cant force them away.. and I guess it all just blew up on me.. like a propane tank that's been over pressurized.. I just need to find a better pressure release valve or something.. I go to a therapist... talk way more than I want to and end up feeling like im being set up to be pulled through this system of hoops.
I ride my bike constantly, even started a delivery company, but sometimes I feel like ill never be able to pull it all off.. I think what pulled me back down was a recent injury to my shoulder blade.. which happened on a delivery... I broke it in two... the back pain I experienced from this sent me into a seemingly bottomless pit of despair. Its now fully healed and im back in business, but I just feel like an idiot, like I cant do this.. although I know I can, and am! I just hope that I can stop latching on to things and just do them.
I also noticed I have some sort of addiction to affection, not sex, I kinda have trouble feeling safe enough for this all that often. But when I do I just get extremely clingy and emotionally dependant. I don't know if this has to do with the abuse I underwent as a kid, but..... I don't remember where I was and I've noticed this entire post was just a bunch of rambled pieces... I think I really needed that though... nothing fits together like a puzzle to me any more, so my ways of venting tend to represent this disorganization of thought.. but I'm glad I wrote this... because now I'm laughing with myself. at least I was. I really don't know what the f*ck I'm doing and kinda need to get grounded a bit, but ........... wait no.......... just had a realization...
What I've been needing is to except who I am today, and stop parading like I am exactly as I once was. I need to focus on adjusting for who I am now.. and need to embrace who I am now.. somehow this can all work... and obviously this doesn't mean just forget about try and repair something's that I can. But I need to remind myself that something's... many things just are the way they are, accept it, and move on...
I guess I'll start with what I'm feeling right now? I keep feeling like I'm still choking and often question why I'm still alive. I have to see the person who did this too me on a regular basis, for they're my sons other mom, and have legal custody. I don't know what im doing here and I'm constantly nervous about triggering myself.. its be happening a lot lately.. I was ... cant say it right now, but one of the major incidences lead to me being in a coma, and with sever brain injuries. sorry if I seem scattered, my brain really sucks now at sequencing. I've been curious if this happens to do with anything the brain scans aren't finding or if this has to do with the PTSD side of it. Basically I started using this website to see if it can help me pull my shit together..
I've got a nine year old kid, and sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions with him, I don't think I'm actually doing this, but I feel like I'm f*cking up. I hate to even think about this, but I see his other parent in him all the time and it makes me feel.. dead inside, like I want life in all forms to end on its own accord... .......... they thought I tried to kill myself and that's why I was found like I was. I was lynched.. gotta stop the tears, and visuals, and numbness.
It's been nine freaking years already, my son ended up healthy through all of this, amazingly enough. The shittiest part is that I had amnesia for almost a year, then I remembered basic things about myself, reformed the rest if me and eventually about 5 years into it I began having these horrible images and feeling like I was choking... or if a part of my spine brushed against something I'd have flashes of the same images, all in the same place, (where I was found) eventually saw more and more.then it started feeling more and more like I was there. Meanwhile I didn't want to know any of this. I'd rather I never got the face of who did this to me, I wish I never found out what happened and continued to think it was by my own hands. I wish it never happened. sometimes I tell myself it didn't, that I'm just crazy and am making shit up. I wish this was true. I wish I could just pull myself together.
One of my flashbacks lasted about six months and I had no idea what was going on... it was mostly all physical.. up until this point I thought a physical flashback was just the short episodes of gagging among other things, but this lasted so long my doctors and I started thinking I had something seriously wrong with my body, but couldn't find anything in any of the tests.. I knew I was having a lot of flashbacks at the time but I had no idea that the pain that forced me to walk with a cane, was related in any way to these. I've noticed that if I don't stop moving I cant force them away.. and I guess it all just blew up on me.. like a propane tank that's been over pressurized.. I just need to find a better pressure release valve or something.. I go to a therapist... talk way more than I want to and end up feeling like im being set up to be pulled through this system of hoops.
I ride my bike constantly, even started a delivery company, but sometimes I feel like ill never be able to pull it all off.. I think what pulled me back down was a recent injury to my shoulder blade.. which happened on a delivery... I broke it in two... the back pain I experienced from this sent me into a seemingly bottomless pit of despair. Its now fully healed and im back in business, but I just feel like an idiot, like I cant do this.. although I know I can, and am! I just hope that I can stop latching on to things and just do them.
I also noticed I have some sort of addiction to affection, not sex, I kinda have trouble feeling safe enough for this all that often. But when I do I just get extremely clingy and emotionally dependant. I don't know if this has to do with the abuse I underwent as a kid, but..... I don't remember where I was and I've noticed this entire post was just a bunch of rambled pieces... I think I really needed that though... nothing fits together like a puzzle to me any more, so my ways of venting tend to represent this disorganization of thought.. but I'm glad I wrote this... because now I'm laughing with myself. at least I was. I really don't know what the f*ck I'm doing and kinda need to get grounded a bit, but ........... wait no.......... just had a realization...
What I've been needing is to except who I am today, and stop parading like I am exactly as I once was. I need to focus on adjusting for who I am now.. and need to embrace who I am now.. somehow this can all work... and obviously this doesn't mean just forget about try and repair something's that I can. But I need to remind myself that something's... many things just are the way they are, accept it, and move on...
