Sometimes It Just Sux

[Tim &Bailey]

with 8 kids ranging from 18 down to three its a bit crazy here. 5 girls and 3 boys. Lately with me being down from the surgery wife feels over worked and under appreciated. I cant say I blame her many a nights lately we end up with one or both (3 and 5 yr old) in our bed. Sleep has been getting less and less and Momma and I are feeling the effects of it. I have had several night terrors lately so even on the nights that Momma does sleep I dont.
Not that she has given me any reason to think like this- heck if she was any more loyal to me (and I her) her nose would be wet and her tail would wag (K-9 humor) I just never want her to feel trapped or regret being with me.
Most days I feel like i could be in the middle of times square and still be alone (except for Bailey) I also feel like I love Bailey more than any human. My wife who was the one who made me get the service K-9 is who suffers most from this. As I draw more and more inward I become more and more distant Its hard for me to have any feelings at all. I never was big on affection but now I'm almost robotic in this the waking world of the human. This cant be good for a marrige.

Maybe time for a med change again- Damn it its been over 6 years why can't I just get over it. Logically they had to die so I would come home, more so I survived to come home. When my buddies son paid teh ultimate price I wasn't there. It was an honor to fly that boy home. I think of him often and his Dads words- Dying for this country isnt the ultimate sacrifice- giving one of your sons lives is. I dont think I'll ever not hear those words echo in my mind. 3 sons one more like me then the next and 5 daughters- any of which I could see becomming a warrior like Dad. That fact alone scares teh shit outta me

Sometimes I feel those who had the ceremony in the sand were luckier then us who live this hell every night we close our eyes. Having a bad night sorry If I brought anybody down. Gonna take Bay for a long walk maybe clear the cob webs from my head

Tim & Bailey

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Tim,
I know what you mean about feeling alone even in crowds. You just don't feel connected to anyone. I usually start looking for someplace to hide. As for kids in the bed with you, we have that same problem with our grandson who also likes to take up all available space so one of us usually ends of moving to another room. My husband and I try to have one evening a month for just us. We go to dinner or something and try to talk about something other than the children. It doesn't happen every month but when it does its nice. Gives us a chance to reconnect. I haven't figured out yet why he puts up with me either.

The thought of one of my children joining the military is not something that I want to think about either. My nephew just graduated from Marine Corp boot camp and after he finishes his training I worry about where he'll end up. I'd never want to see him hurt or worse, but I'm a proud aunt and I was there the day he graduated with my uniform on and tears in my eyes.

I'd give almost anything to go back to Iraq. That's the last time I felt almost normal. It doesn't make sense, I know, but that's how I feel. Now everyday can be such a struggle to get through. But somehow we make it. We can't go back, only forward, even if its baby steps. I don't believe that "time heals all wounds" but I do think that there will be good days and not so good days and hopefully the good will start to outnumber the bad. Each day we're here can make a difference. Maybe someone who is in pain can learn from us and releave some of their own suffering. Maybe that's why we're still here, despite wishing otherwise. I don't have all the answers, just trying to find a rope to hang onto until the next crisis rises.

Hang on to Bailey, she seems to bring some peace to you. One step at a time, one monster at a time.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

The more I fight the tireder I become. I'm thinking about a spirit journey. Bay and me my pack and the woods. Maggie and I are discussing it this morning. She's worried about the arm and me healing. I can't heal the body until the mind heals first.

Tim & Bailey

 

[Ned]

Good luck mate. I think Bailey can look out for you in the woods if you go. Mind and body go together in my experience but I agree that sometimes you need the stillness for the body to take the next step. When I've been really withdrawing badly (and being cold to those who care) making that extra cut for a few days has improved things, the rev-counter drops and thoughts are more positive. It shouldn't, but that's part of the condition for me.
Yes it's harder being left standing. But what would the fallen want you to do? Got to be for something.
I don't think you bring anyone down. I do think your coping is a bloody marvel.

 

[K-9 Al]

Tim, keep fighting man! I am glad you have Bailey. My service dog Bella is coming along pretty well in training. Cant wait to bring here home. I know EXACTLY what you mean about "regret being with me" I feel that way as wel. I feel horrible when i have panic attacks or the symptoms are just way to much for me to deal with, let a lone her.

Deborah- I feel the EXACT same way about going back. All though i know i can not because it will be an emotional/mental nightmare. I just dont feel "normal" here in society. I feel like my state of mind would be better suited for Iraq. I feel like i would fit right in with a line platoon int he middle of some god forsaken city. It is crazy. It is like life just moves on here. Not a lot of people really give two shits about what went on over there or what goes on. Its even worse when some college punk tries to say something like, "we went to iraq because of bush's oil and you didnt do anything but kill for Bush's oil" When i hear that i want to to grab these little punks and beat the snot out of them. How dare they? How dare they try and diminish what we all went through....BUT I REGRESS!

Sorry to Tim, back to your post my man. Day-by-Day bro, day-by-day. I try to do something everyday for my wife to let her know how much i appreciate her. Somethign just little. She will lay on my thigha nd i play with her hair. She loves that. After all, last year (september 6) was the day our marraige almost ended when i lost all control and got arrested for assault. So i value everything we share together. Her and the boys are my reason to fight this demon we call PTSD. There HAS to be a way to DEFEAT this beast. Thats how i am attacking this. I want to defeat it. Get rid of it. Not allow it to ruin my life. It is really hard because for the past few years it has been defeating me and still to this day it does but i am trying to fight back.

 

[Misera1013]

Tim, (((hugs)))

 

[Tim &Bailey]

Ok AL and Misera we need to get our K-9s together. I am so happ its working out for you both. Without Bay I think I'd be instituionalized already. She deffinatley keeps me going. I cant wait until next summer Sascha will be ready to breed then my first litter as Service Dogs to help other PTSD survivors. We are gonna make a go at it even if I'm not med boarded by then. Talked to my Chief today He said before years end I should be out. We shall see. Thanks for all teh prayers and words of encouragement. You guys and Gals make it worth gettin on this silly ass computer most days.

Tim & Bailey

 

[Misera1013]

Tim, today I had to go into Target to get some meds and OMG it was hell. It was just pure hell! I was almost running to get out of there. My chest hurt. I was short of breath. There were people every where!! When I got in the car I just thought, "Wow, I won't have to feel this way after this week!!" Thank you Tim!

 

[Tim &Bailey]

You are welcome I hope someday we can find a way for all of us to deal with it thru our K-9 service dogs. I'm not saying you wont have those feelings again just when the anxiety starts ramping up you can look at your Dog if they aren't reacting to the situation you can then break the chain and know its ok. You will adapt as you get used to reading your new partner. I am so happy for you! Now you can start a new journey - One of healing and adapting to living with this dreaded condition.

Love ya

Tim and Bailey