Sometimes It Just Takes A Look... And I'm Off

[anthony yoder]

So hard to trust people now. but i hate myself over it because jesus said go forth..live in love. I want to live in love...but people look so mean and crazy lately, i guess they always have been. I get panicky over revving engines, which is a normal thing in hawaii. it feels like a threataning and aggressive thing to me. i get panicky over stares that last more than a quarter second glance. and it gets me to the point that i start to carry weapons and want to get bigger and more dangerous ones. I have just been hurt so much already and so many people i know hurt, killed, or dissapeared too. Then the anger kicks in. i feel in this constant circle of trigger, panic, dread, anger, seclusion, prayer, stepping out, then back to trigger.
Plus i always try to just quit the meds altogether and freak out even worse and get in a paralyzed state. Im just going to keep seeking because there has to be a way through this. i will find it

 

[Deleted member 10686]

I can relate to a lot of what you have said, anthony.
I seem to be hyper-sensitive when it comes to peoples body language, tone of voice, any non verbal cue that is so small most people wouldn't even pick up on them. the glances are a part of this too for me. I try to tell myself that a lot of it is me, is the PTSD, it becomes more recognizable in therapy when all of a sudden i start perceiving his non verbal communication to be negative, judgmental, attacking.... then I most often realize something triggered before that, something set me off, maybe something he said or maybe something unrelated, idk. It is easier to eventually realize, maybe at least part of it is just me, in therapy. But out in the world, peoples glances, mean looks, body language, attitudes, those are harder to make sense of. because i typically think everyone is just a bunch of really big a**holes. which they are...I still wonder what is the ratio of real to perceived asshole-ism. lol. Sorry...I'm rambling. but I wanted to say I can relate..

 

[anthony yoder]

Yea...I feel yuh. I think what makes this harder and yet hopeful for me is that I have known amazing peace and power and love from God too. Which makes me see that there is some force fighting us all and trying to make us all miserable, thus proving satan, which no one wants to believe in, but he his alive. Of course Jesus is more powerful than ten billion demons and when he's on the scence there is peace and love and joy. Im so glad I know that, or I woudl have already killed myself probobly.

<Edited for capitalization by Amethist>

 

[jersey]

Anthony I have experienced a similar sort of downward spiral and when I get to the bottom of it, I am a certified paranoid. Then, I feel bad about being so paranoid... You need to remember that feeling this way is not a statement of your character. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person. It's a chemical pathway in your brain that ended up there as a leftover protection system.

Forwardmotion-- I think I will print out this quote from you and put it on my wall, LOL: "the ratio of real to perceived asshole-ism". I could not capture more perfectly, the internal dilemma I am always engaged in... Because I know in my head that the world is not nearly as bad as I think it is...but every once in a while there does come along an a**hole, upon whom if I opened a big can of PTSD , the world would thank me for it. And I would be really, really good at it. :-) The problem is figuring out who is who!

 

[Grace Hope]

I feel for you for what you are going through. Shit happens, it happens to me, you and other people.
Sometimes when I feel the fear I think it will be with me for a life time. It never Is because at some point it passes. You might get another fear but its not the same one as before, and the one before that was a different one too. I tried positive thinking, especially two authers : Louise L Hay and Susan Jeffers both are great for me. they may help you too or even a different auther may be better for you. People figure things out in different ways and often get the same answers in the end. I know it is hard to get through things but you have us on your side.
I would love to know a bit about Hawaii and about the local way of life and what faith Hawaiian people follow.:cool:

Clan Destany

 

[anthony]

Above response deleted. Please read rules on the use of basic grammar.

 

[TigerPride]

Anthony Y.

I'm with you on it being so hard to trust people...I too probably read a lot more into peoples "body language" then what is there. I panic if someone moves in what appears to me in a threating way, read more into there looks then what is likely there and so forth and so on...Some people are dumb and do try to intimidate and bully us with there actions, but for most it's just the way they move, act, & speak, there not purposefully trying to intimidate us & would probably fell bad if they knew they did.

I don't know the answer as how to deal with/overcome this, but I do understand...

 

[Weazeeeleeeeel]

I used to think I was being Paranoid, so I decided to talk to people about it. Unfortunately I discovered I was right, I wasn't misreading the clues, I was just really good at reading them instead . I had to learn to confront this by understanding that thus is normal for people to get pissed off with others, but that it dosn't mean it will escalate further. Your not so much paranoid as guillemot scared. There are people who walk on this planet who kill others. It's a game of chance your keeping yourself safe, but you also seem to understand the safest place is in a group- I only started to heal when I went away to a charity where I lived away fom the world for a few days and felt truly safe. Only time really fixes this maybe, I don't know the answer, but somehow I doubt its paranoia, your probably not imagining it, butin my experience I needn't feel threatened by it. In fact it has been quite useful on the blind dating circuit as I have avoided some interesting men when I look back.

 

[anthony yoder]

I feel for you for what you are going through. Shit happens, it happens to me, you and other people.
Sometimes when I feel the fear I think it will be with me for a life time. It never Is because at some point it passes. You might get another fear but its not the same one as before, and the one before that was a different one too. I tried positive thinking, especially two authers : Louise L Hay and Susan Jeffers both are great for me. they may help you too or even a different auther may be better for you. People figure things out in different ways and often get the same answers in the end. I know it is hard to get through things but you have us on your side.
I would love to know a bit about Hawaii and about the local way of life and what faith Hawaiian people follow.:cool:

Clan Destany

yea...im feelin better the more im involved with church vibes. There are many religions practiced here. Definitly many christians. certain prophecies fullfilled in hawaii according to the things ive heard that made many turn to Jesus..

 

[Blondie362]

I have spent many years thinking " is it me ?" when it comes to reading people, within a few minutes and I mean minutes of being in the company of somebody I get a feel about them...

My Sister is a trusting person, and I can't tell you how many times I have met some of her friends and boyfriends over the years and immediately I got " that vibe" call it bad karma whatever you want - but 99% of the time they have turned out to be complete assholes, and she's been screwed over emotionally.

I always remember a quote from Maya Angelou " when somebody shows themselves for the first time- believe them"

And that means if you come into contact with somebody that says something or does something that makes you question your gut instinct about them- believe that's what they are like- don't disregard it.

Yes we may have to deal with PTSD, because of that and our life experiences it also flags up the ability to sense whether a person can be trusted or not, its not all about " in our head" or paranoia although hypervigilence is a pain in the butt- its also our survival mode. I don't feel bad if I get a vibe about not trusting somebody, I have met too many people in my life that havn't had any MH health issues and definitely should be in therapy ..:whistling: Kate