Sorry I'm Posting Again

[trying to heal]

I seem to be on here a lot lately.. sorry. I think the meds my dr put me on are not holding as well as they were... most of the week I think they wanted me numbed out but from this afternoon the SI has been creeping back and getting stronger again.

I don't know how to explain this properly .. I feel mad at my T.. she knows how bad the SI has been for weeks and she even rated me as being high risk but not extreme on Monday morning but then I don't hear from her all week even though she promised to contact me. I feel like maybe I'm making up how bad I feel cause obviously, I can't be too bad ??? I don't know I'm so confused. I didn't want to contact her as I don't want her to feel frustrated with me that I'm being needy or attention seeking. I already feel that way enough.

I keep trying to distract myself by watching TV but I can't really concentrate on it ... the bits that stand out are when people are shot or killed and I can't help but think how I wish that was me. We have such strict gun policy here in Australia but if I was in the US I could easily end all this.

I know I am purposely isolating myself. I don't leave the house now ... I rarely answer my mobile and if I do answer I fake that I'm ok until I can get off the phone again. My friend wanted me to go out tomorrow but I just can't handle being out and trying to pretend that I'm ok and make polite conversation.

I just dont see the point of all this at the moment..

 

[ladee]

Something very significant you just shared...'i don't see the point of all this AT THE MOMENT..caps are mine.
At the MOMENT...because things change.
And you know this.

I have been where you are..I do understand.
In a way It is a comfortable place to be.. I don't do anything recovery related, I just feel hopeless.

But I get bored being there. I get bored with the broken record of pain and thoughts..and then I do something....anything..
Take a shower. Walk around inside my house at a fast pace until I get tired. Make a random list of things I want.
Really just simple things that doesn't take brain work.
But the point is I am doing something ,even if I don't want to,to break that bind that SI has on my brain.
And whether you do any of this or other things you think of, I do want you to know I hear you.
Post as much as you want or need. That's why we are here.
Gentle hugs if you accept.ll

 

[Intrepid]

I've used distractors my whole life. They numb me out, but don't really help. I used every flashback coping technique I could find. They don't do much. So I have worked with my therapist for the last year looking for something new, and I have developed a list of processes that really help. They are very personal, so I won't share them here.

Thing is, SI for me is a way of going numb. I go there and my inner self, the self that was hurt in the first place, screams and curls up into a ball. He hides in fear and I feel some relief.

That relief is only temporary. And as @ladee said, it gets boring.

I don't want to help hurt that child part of me. I have had enough of people hurting that part of me.

And yes, post as much as you want.

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

Hi. I just found your post and wanted to say I hope as I am writing this that maybe things are a little better for you. I can only offer advise based on things that have happened in my own life since I am not well versed in medical issues. I was never put on medication, when I went through psychiatric testing they said that since I had such a high probability of suicidal tendencies, that medicines would more than likely make those thoughts worse. Not every med works for everyone, maybe you need to be on something different? also, at one point, I was in a very bad place and my T at the time pretty much ignored me. I went to a psych hosp and signed myself in and told them I was suicidal, which I was. That was one of the turning points in my life. They allowed me to be admitted, they didn't put me on meds or force me in anyway. I was on a 72 hour watch, then did inpatient for 30 days, outpatient classes after that. Again, I don't know what will work best for you but I hope you can find something that will work for you. In the mean time, vent here, as much as you want, whenever you need to. know that when you isolate and don't answer your phone, or put on that smile and say its okay when its not... that here, you are never truly alone. <3

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

... oh and music!!! never the tv, with the news and commercials. those are triggers. I only stream tv like hulu and netflix so I can choose what I see :)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@trying to heal When I was having s/i for a month or more before I got into Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit someone on this forum suggested to try grounding, having had some DBT stuff in PHP I had a vague idea about what that was, but I looked further, and used some basic grounding techniques, well it got me thru until I could get the right help at the hospital.

You might want to try this, whenever you feel things getting to much or especially when you're having S/I thoughts, this may help you manage things.

One of the best grounding techniques I learned in the hospital is to hold a FROZEN orange (you will need to switch hands some). It really works. I keep 6 of them in my freezer, 3 where I go during the day, and 1 at my Therapists. (having them does wonders when I talk with my Therapists) (yes, I have more than one therapist).