Sufferer Spinal Cord Injury

[Esterio]

Well the appointment went OK. She prescribed me some things to help with pain. She understands why I...

It is amazing the things we were told about chemicals in the work place. I started my working life In a sawmill at 17. We had to change saws on the edger once per shift You would where rain gear so you didn't get wet from this substance that was use to kill fungus and not allow the wood to discolour. They told us it was safe and we believed them.wWe never wore any protective clothing at all it was not avalible. There was other jobs that you got soaked in it (permatox) I am sure that is not how it is spelled. Asbestos was every where. Before they tore that mill they went in with hazmat suits and resperators and removed all of the Asbestos, Permatox and who knows what else. My Dad died due to the exposure to asbestos he was a welder and worked on demolition. I am sorry for your over exposure

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Vietnam vets, families, all were told that agent orange at first never existed, then we ALL found out the damage done to our vets' bodies that were ravaged (lungs, respiratory systems) by agent orange. So sorry Esterio about your exposure to all those toxic chemicals and your father as well. JJ

 

[WanderingSoul]

Sorry to hear about so much exposure to toxic environments. After the spinal cord injury, I started to develop a red rash were my right shin I guess hit the stairwell as I fell. Being in pain all over from my core was my primary concern. So this little bruise on my shin seemed like a minor thing. Well this rash grew to the size of my entire shin on my right leg. It was bright red and water made it burn. Showering was painful. Especially when it spread over %50 of my body. I lived like that for several years. I actually thought I was dying as movement at all was very difficult. Topical steroids seemed to inflame it. But the photolight UVB chemo radiation therapy seemed to make a difference. I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of psoriasis. My primary care told me psoriasis is an auto-immune response to something. And they can't be sure what caused that trigger. A psychologist asked me about my voice sounding deep and raspy for my age. I told him I use to get a face full of concrete from 100 year old buildings. Some MSDS sheets 1/100 parts lead and silica dust. He said something about that also being important. I asked for a mask. But that foreman said it's an inconvenient pain in the ass for everyone else to wear a mask. Just get it done quick he told me. Sure wonder if he lived to see his retirement. This is someone who is supposed to train the up and coming generation. Still boggles my mind.

 

[WanderingSoul]

Now I feel like I should keep going with how that experience with this other shop unfolded. Because bottling it up and being told I need to 'keep my mouth shut' about what was supposed to be some hazing only meant to test your nerve. Its eating at my soul and I want to be free of it.

So about a weak into this job I had my first thousand holes drilled into a ceiling, without any mask. I wake up one morning and my throat feels strange. But I had no pain. But when I would try to talk, my voice was so deep and raspy. I found it funny at first. Called and left messages with all my friends for a joke but anyway.

This foreman of another unrelated job tells me I shouldn't have been getting the dust anywhere but in the drill. What are you talking about I said to him. He tells me the drill is supposed to have a compact vacuum attachment. When were you going to tell me this I said to him. He got pissed. He said the other crew was stealing tools again. So this is were it got interesting and yet crazy.

I find out later the crew I was assigned to was known to be to 'cliche' to accept outsiders. So I was bargained to another grew in exchange for all the new tools which included the drills with the vacuum attachments I need to do the job.

To shorten up the story. I finished the drilling without a mask. It took maybe a little under 2 weeks to do almost 3000 holes for a secure run. I can't remember that specific any more. The rest of the job I was able to get through without much trouble until the lay offs came.

I got my layoff check from the other foreman who traded me away so he could get the new tools. He said to me. You need to go talk to the 'head of the department' let's call it. They want to talk to you about the job. He thought It was funny. I was glad to be leaving a work environment with people like that.

So I go into the presidents office. He is in a terrible grumpy mood. I say so what can I do for you? It then went something like this.
He starts to accuse me of shooting up heroin in the bathroom and punching a guy out for giving me a layoff check.

I said 'are you kidding me'? I know you can't throw a punch on the job or you will be terminated from the program. And I don't use drugs. We had to be drug tested every 3 months.

So he continues to yell at me.

You mean to tell me that you are not John Doe (example). And a shop that has been in business for 100 years is lying about you.
Why should I believe you he says to me.

Because I just want to make something of my life, not throw it away.

He shouted at me to get the f*ck out of his office then.

I should of known then something was wrong. But always testing your nerves we thought they were. So I kept going.

It turned out later the guy who did shoot up and punch a guy out was a relative to the owner. And they needed a sap to try and pin it on. We both had the same first name. So they just switched the last name in the records. I couldn't believe it. Still boggles my mind my life got played with like that. All the things my work produced and it was other people ruining it for me. Whatever. There we go. Feels good to finally say something after so many years.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Now I feel like I should keep going with how that experience with this other shop unfolded. Because...

Good for you @Laborgrunt that you are NOT working there anymore! And talking about it does help you come to some understanding and peace in your mind with how horribly they treated you like a piece of machinery bartering you for tools! Jerks!

Sounds like this job didn't care about your health (lungs) either by not giving you adequate protection for your lungs! Trading you for tools, such jerks, barbarians! And putting your body in harm's way by lifting such heavy weight and I am so glad that you are out of there, yet the experience still haunts you and hopefully the more you share about how cunning, manipulative, and maniacal some of these people you had to work with were and how disrespectfully they treated you because of their own sick selves, the less power and pain you will feel from their games that some people do play and have played with our minds, hearts, and souls to get what they want @Gruntwork.

Yes it does feel good to finally say something after so many years, for me as well. Talking about secrets and the cruelty experienced by others has helped me as well to try and free me from how horrible some choose to treat others. You were a hard worker and you were vulnerable because you were a team player and played by the rules. And you know who you are, not what others tried to turn you into back then. It's not what I am called @Gruntwork it is what I answer to that is most important of all. Like you said you wanted to make something of your life and NOT simply throw it away and that is who you are not what was done to you by unscrupulous human beings GW. The owner covering up his kinfolks' mess by using you sickens me to my core and you are able to reason and know that they were not playing with a full deck of cards and they were one haybale short of a hayride.

That said, I hope you are resting now and can shove that cast of clowns out of your mind for now, and think about what you learned from them. People are always teaching me lessons about myself in relationship to themselves. Learning right now a lot about myself. Some good stuff I learn about myself, some not so good. Learning to try and forgive myself for my mistakes and I have made a lot of them over they years.

I have always been reactionary and now I am trying to not immediately react to others' stimuli and their behaviors that tend to push my buttons and simply try to acknowledge and process what is going on around and in front of me without reacting and becoming part of the or taking part in someone else's chaos and that's a hard one for me. Not my monkeys, not my circus, my monkeys can fly! Fly away monkeys far from the drama and the instability of others and find peace and sanctuary that is what I try to do these days. Your boss yelling at you is craaaazzzzzy-making! My father was that way and others that used to be around me when I had no control over the situation. Now, I try to stay away from toxic people and the games people will play. How about you? For, I just don't want to be part of their volatility, lying, and crazy-making anymore. I am trying to learn to enjoy what serenity and peace are and trying to learn how NOT to allow others in this crazy world to push my buttons anymore while living here during life's struggles and someday I will try and learn about joy real joy within my soul and haven't gotten there yet, thought I had. I so @Gruntwork want to create around me and for me (no one else will do this for me) stillness, and quietness even when stuff around me is happening and flying around me like a hurricane which that is mind-bending at times. Looking back and in disbelief of myself, I use to try and fight other people's battles for them, OMG I can't believe @Gruntwork I used to do this. Not anymore. Now, I try to stay away from their mass havoc and unsettled minds because I have my hands full trying to keep myself calm in a world that at times seems to thrive on disorder and perpetuate mayhem. I was raised in that kind of an environment, and so I used to unwittingly create and re-create as I got older this chaotic tumultuous type of lifestyle and environment. Do you believe this work environment and being treated so horribly traumatized you to the point you now have ptsd? Or are you dealing with some other stuff you haven't talked about yet in here? For I am dealing with pervs who just about killed me with their insanity @Gruntwork. Just curious that's all. You don't have to answer my question and I will most certainly understand.

Do you like peace and now not being around people who are trying to take your sanity away from you? I do. I am so glad you posted more about what you were so cruelly put through in the workplace. Thanks. Keep getting that stuff out, for I have been told so many times that I am only as sick as my toxic secrets that I had been keeping bottled up inside of me because toxic people put fear into me if I told about their destructive behaviors. They don't live up in my head rent free now and the rent is high and they can't afford it hah hah hah, for now I'm in therapy trying to exorcise them out of my mind and life. How are you feeling this night? Hope you are feeling good. JJ

 

[WanderingSoul]

Not my monkeys, not my circus. Good one. Walking away and moving on from people like that was easy. I believe the PTSD came from the fact I couldn't walk from a spinal injury. And lived in physical pain from it for years to this day. That and the whole psoriasis and photochemo treatment experience. Every day there was pain. And when I could sleep, I have a reoccurring dream about the event on the stairwell that led to me being crippled. I actually do need to stop myself going into further detail about what was said by this guy. I was 29. In the prime of my life with an education that would of taken me anywhere. And this guy had a terrible attitude over the fact he couldn't get cheap labor to move his material. This guy denied I ever showed up for work that day. I had to present my pay stub as proof.

I spent my 30th birthday unable to walk. Unable to get health insurance. And for some reason I still thought it was just more of a test of my nerve. They would say it was a non-civilian experience. If you liked enjoying things like the weekend or having a social life, the program was not for you. You had to mentally condition yourself to do it every day every chance you got if you wanted to graduate. So I guess that also contributes to how I get triggered sometimes. Deadlines.

We even had an instructor once tell us. This program has been known to put people in mental hospitals. We laughed. I'm not kidding he said. We laughed.

So I guess for all this trouble, I'm not doing to bad. I still got my limbs. They still get really sore, as it all connects through the spine. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

I've come to love peace and quiet where I can find it. I took part in something I thought was worthwhile. I helped build and expand towns and cities. Other people I've talked to told me they were jealous. Even over my efforts to just help the team. So wherever I can find peace I look for it. I don't want to be bound by these injuries inflicted on me by others who wanted to eliminate all competition. I did it to improve and strengthen my community. So I also can find peace in what I did with my life. All the money in the world isn't worth your ability to walk. I use to walk everywhere. I miss that.

I'm still in pain. But I could sit up again long enough to type this out. Thank you for asking. I hope you are feeling good too.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

No, please do not stop yourself from going into detail about this guy! Important to talk about it, yes very important and I have learned this about myself too in Trauma Diaries here @Laborgrunt. Oh God, I hope I have not been so insensitive to your pain and your feelings and your inability to walk. I am grateful for our friendship here LG and I want you to talk about it. I have a tendency to get up unknowingly on soap box and sound preachy like I have it all together, and I have not got it all together. I do very much like listening to you talk, please don't stop! JJ

 

[WanderingSoul]

No you have not come across as insensitive. I just get conflicted by wanting to let it go, yet sticking up and fighting for my rights as a human being. One thing I realized is someone put a lot of this into my head. And I wish I didn't have to experience some of it. So I want to stop myself when I can. I could explain something else. Laborgrunt is one of the things the last foreman I worked for called me. All my hard work and commitment was a waste of time is what he said. I will only ever be that in the industry because there is no more room for educated workers as he put it. You have to be born into he said. This guy didn't agree with the training program I was part of. That I figured he was part of. He was against it I guess. Our rules don't apply to the rules he shouted at me once. Your program doesn't apply to our program he said. I could of quit and not helped them make the deadline. But this guy sure had difficulty planning out the job correctly. I just came to realize the other day, some of these people must of been high on something while on the job. But we were thoroughly vetted and tested.

Here's one I think I can share. There was this grumpy guy I worked with another time. That would happen. If I could help make someones day easier, that was my job. If they were miserable people, nothing I could do about that. We had to move some material to a school once. It needed to be secured in the van. So I secured it and padded it so it wouldn't get damaged in the move. It was the end of the day. So the plan was we would move it the following morning. So the next day, I show up at the site to meet this guy in the van. It was at an elementary school. His eyes were bloodshot and I could smell booze. But I tried to ignore that. I go to open the back of the van, and this material I had secured and padded was all undone and mangled. I had to take the van out to do another job last night he barked. You screwed this up too! he went off with vulgarities and insults, in front of the school as a class full of children was starting the day. How I am a screw up and a loser, and I'll always be a loser who can't get anything done right. I was done working with that guy. I apologized to the class from were I stood outside the window of the school on the grass. Several hours later I left that company. People like that I couldn't understand. Miserable and angry. I guess that experience reminded me to always appreciate someones hard work and effort as I've always done anyway. Any person in training years behind me, I gave direction to if they asked me. Every kid coming up that had hope to graduate and do something great I helped out. And I never threatened anyone about the slight possibility of taking my job. Another kid asked me once why I stopped doing what I used to do. Pay attention I told him, and be careful who you risk your back for. And you could have a great career come out of it. From what I also understood the final test of my success would of been to teach the next person willing to learn and contribute. Not stop them from learning anything, or destroying any confidence they have about themselves. As miserable as I get enduring these pain flares at the most inconvenient times. I don't take it out on others. I go and find peace and quiet. There's so many audio atmospheres on youtube to calm my nerves as I try to forget the most miserable people I ever was unfortunate enough to cross paths with.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

These ungrateful, severely abusive, heartless and apathetic robotic-like "human" constructs whom you have miserably and scarringly had the traumatic and horrific misfortune of working for are very sick and you were most definitely hurt by your exposue to their psychological illnesses and there is NO excuse for their unprofessional and unprincipled and unethical behaviors. On that job it sounds to me like you were a serious-minded dedicated model employee with incredible work ethic, human compassion, and deep intuitive understandings about the human condition being vulnerable to sick SOB's (sorry have to be honest) who have nothing better to do than to slime their extreme unhealthy untreated psychological illnesses onto you @Laborgrunt.

Have you ever thought about writing? You are so good at expressing your train of thought through words. Just sayin'. Like you said I am so trying not taking my trauma and thus anger out on others and going and trying to find peace and quiet is also for me trying to be the order of the day. And also like you I am trying so hard to let go of those who seemingly attempted to try to destroy my core being (essence of me). And I like when you share because like many here you share from a deep, warm-hearted and empathic level, and I try only try to share like that. JJ

 

[WanderingSoul]

Wow JJ, you are very good with words too. And I appreciate that. I was only attempting to be a model employee as you put it. There were some super stars in there already. And I was just some kid who worked his way up being reliable and consistent. Several years of perfect attendance was not easy. It took a laser like focus to qualify. But to answer your question about writing, yes. Writing about the things I over came in life and such I figured would be worthwhile. I wanted to eventually do that for years. But this trauma that I almost escaped until it became the physical reminder of daily pain I have now has some what taken it all in a direction I don't even know how to organize. I guess I'm trying to regain control of that. I was thinking last night as I struggled to get any sleep again because well, back spasms aren't just painful at times, they can also keep you awake. There was another situation that occurred and it didn't make any sense until years later. It had to do with the now very well known group anonymous.

There was a rumor that one of the higher ups had a paranoid breakdown. He disassembled his entire car in the parking lot at the school trying to find a wire or a bug (recording device). The next thing we heard he had resigned. So one day in class, we got interrupted by someone who had a policeman at the door with him. He asked the class, 'which one of you is anonymous?' One of the students behind me said 'if I were anonymous I guess I can't tell you then'. So they asked him to get up and go with them for some questions. This guy then told us how we are to stay off social media and leave or smart phones in our vehicles before we get on a job site. That they were watching each and every one of us to see who we 'affiliate' with outside of the program. I met with a band to jam maybe once or twice a month so I would still feel human was about it. But they were so paranoid about this anonymous group and who was 'leaking information'. I almost went with computers... but construction I thought would be more exciting. I use to landscape and paint since high school anyway. I loved working outdoors in the elements. Computers are fun too. But anyway. I think that was another piece to the puzzle. They did not know if some of the kids they were training who were tech gurus who would film some of these guys doing stupid shit and getting it on the internet were OSHA could see it. I hear now that everyone has a phone with them again. Like it doesn't even matter. I see these memes about the new guys staring at they're phones from atop a ladder. But for a time it was leave it in the car so we don't suspect you. That was tough for me because all the wonderful jobs I did get to do, I wanted to take pictures of and post them up. Whenever I get a ride around the city, I like to point out the rooftops I worked on. I only have a few photos which required me asking permission at lunch time to take a couple of work I had done. I could of had an entire photo album. But those are just memories now. There was this paranoia some of these guys had. I think this anonymous group scared the crap out of them. So as it went. We were all suspect. Fair or not. Some of these people must of been so aggressive for a reason. I never would of thought I would of had spinal trauma and an auto-immune disorder coming out of this program. When I started I was fit and healthy. Now I'm looking at extensive spinal surgery from the top down when I decide I can't take it any more. There were other actual laborers on many job sites sometimes. So I would be told what type of labor I was supposed to do and what I would leave for the official laborers. And this one laborer told me to be careful. You'll be lucky to make it to 35 in this line of work. Let alone a life long career. Still I saw old timers trying to reach retirement. They made it, why can't I? I helped a few old timers get by to retirement. They were always fair. It was these guys around my age or a few years older. Rotten attitudes. For whatever reason. Breaking a skilled worker makes no sense to me. It goes back to OSHA teaching us to look out for each other so we all get home safe to our families. That the cost of safety is never to steep. Do it right the first time. I need to go take my mind of this for a while now.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

It is amazing the things we were told about chemicals in the work place. I started my working life In a...

Esterio I just saw your above post about chemicals you and your father were falsely told were safe at the sawmill you worked at and that "safety precautions" were in place at the toxic sawmill so suits, etc. were NOT needed to protect you (yet it took hazmat suits, etc. to demolish it! and that your father died from asbestos exposure. Your dad paid the ultimate price and these companies and also our government lies about harmful chemicals on our foods, our vets are exposed to, and even the seeds of the plants of the foods we eat are being soaked in chemicals by Dow and Monsanto (big money-making chemical corporations with govt'l. contracts. Also that our oceans get so flippin' polluted by oil spills which kills off plant, mammal, and wildlife, then govt. allowing rain forests to be destroyed, and all these fires destroying natural wildlife habitats for our precious animals, insects sickens me.

Saw on cable recently where Dow and Monsanto soak our food source plant seeds in chemicals to make the bug/fungi resistant yet poisons consumers. Native Americans, Alaskans, and others are gathering what's left of their organic seeds and storehousing and preventing further soaking of their food source seeds @Esterio. Humans have so harmed our fragile eco-system and have seen the destruction some of us up close and personal. Psychiatric born mental illnesses born from exposure to toxic chemicals and also physiological (death) destruction like your father, our vets, and us as consumers. Makes me sick to my stomach, and I'm already sick from low T, and liver issues this day. So hard to read how your father passed away from asbestos exposure @Esterio. So sorry to hear this. Bless your heart. JJ

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I do @Laborgrunt believe in the power of Karma and that what goes around comes around. Oh yeah. It's been my personal experience and I've seen this in others' lives as well. Ya tend to get what ya give in this world. I guess that's why I've been told it's so much better to give than to receive. Enough with the philosophical from me, this is what I believe. And yes, it is good to write and share about traumatic memories and experiences if/when it helps you, at your pace in your time frame and not others pace, etc. I just want you to know that I get only to a decillion of a fraction of a degree how much you are suffering without the use of your legs and that I very much appreciate you continuing when you feel like it and only then how you are dealing with your trauma.

For you through your postings allow me to get out of myself and maybe just maybe give a little comfort, support, and encourage when allowed to do so @Laborgrunt And when I am able to (feel so badly right now) answer your posts I hope you know that it's obviously because I do care how you feel and what you've been through and are continuing like me to go through. For I too have been and still continue to go through my only little war and hell, and a famous man once said "When you're going through hell - keep going." That is what I'm doing now and I appreciate your nice words and posts which also help me to feel connected and cared about as well.

Am feeling sick at this moment, so lying down again. Wanted to answer you and @Esterio. I like having friends to talk with here it gives me the sense that I am not all alone in this for me now scary world. Peace and Love and Hugs :hug: JJ