Sexual Assault Spirit

[KAT]

Does anyone think that everything happens for a reason (grand design) or that its just dumb luck that some us have had such horrible lives. I can't see what good having this type of life has. My counselor that it has giving me a deeper spiritual understanding of life but of what,pain and suffering. How does being abused by an monster make us a better person?

 

[cherryblossom]

While I don't agree that everything happens for a reason, nor that our abuse is 'designed' to make us a better person.

But however crap things are for me, being raped has made me a better person. It has brought out an empathy and compassion in me that I never knew existed. It has made me more aware of other mental health issues. It has taken me to PTSD Forum where I've met amazing people, and it has led me to run this forum, which hopefully helps others. At the end of the day, I wish I hadn't been raped, but I also know that in some respects, I'm a better person because of it. I don't believe in a 'grand design'. All I believe in, is trying to make the most of what you have been dealt.

 

[jadebear]

I really used to believe that everything happens for a reason. I used to also believe that maybe we chose this life beforehand as a learning experience. Now, I just tend to think 'shit happens'.

 

[Nyx]

I don't believe in destiny or a greater force guiding my life. I do believe there is a God out there, but not the one religion describes or brags about belonging to. I believe God is out there in the form of love. And when we love we are gods ourselves.

At one time my T asked me why I hang on to stuff that holds bad memories inside - I used to have a memory box filled with things like that. I told her it was because I didn't want to forget the lessons the bad things had taught me. It's been some months since I threw all that away and guess what? The lessons are still there. And even though some of the lessons are bitter and make me bitter and cynical, some of them taught me about me. Taught me about my strength, my big heart, my whits. And i couldn't have learned without the bad stuff happening.

Like CB said, "a better person because of it". And it doesn't happen to all people who suffer, in case you're wondering. For a long time I have tried to help people who didn't want my help. Problems would turn them evil and I wanted to "show them the light". Doesn't work that way. They chose to let the problems beat them...

I know it's hard to think that something positive could come out of something that evil... But it can.

 

[KAT]

I guess it does, thanks jadebear. :D

cherryblossom, I think that's what my counselor was trying to express that I had more empathy and compassion because of my childhood. I don't know I guess I just feel a little overwhelmed sometimes by my memories.:scream:

 

[KAT]

Thanks Nyx , I don't know about an deity, but I do try to be a kind and loving person. I do believe in karma.:) I don't know how that works with childhood abuse,maybe by stopping the abuse. :thinking:I guess when a person such as myself has such a horrible life I could have had greater chance of becoming evil by hurting other children when grown,:( don't go to the dark side.

 

[KAT]

I just feel weird. :(

 

[Nyx]

Feel weird about what, Kat?:love:

 

[KAT]

About two weeks ago I had a flashback when I was 12 of dad waking me up by starting at the bottom of my legs climbing up my body. Then he did the same old ,same old. Well I kept thinking he was climbing up my legs like a snake. I started having some memories of myself at age 18. I was emotionally retarded due to the abuse. I was struggling with this memory.(critical parent)

About a week ago I had a nightmare. In one part of my dream I had been bitten by a snake. I ended up paralyzed and my throat started closing up by the poison. Instead of waking up gasping for breath (i had this done before), I heard a voice saying wake up, wake up, its just a dream. I think my 12 year inner child wanted to remind me of the horror and pain of the abuse, because I was being so critical of myself. Does that make sense?

Since the dream I have felt a bit weepie and insecure. I don't know I think the insecurity is the way I felt when I was 18. Sometimes it takes me a little while to understand what I'm feeling that's where the feeling weird comes in. Trying to heal from this PTSD is really hard, sometimes I get a little down. Also my sister is coming in to visit. Her and my brother used to be major triggers. I am hoping now that I had therapy for over a year things will be different.

:hug:Back at you Nyx.:)Thanks for the concern, it made me feel warm and fuzzy,:Donce I was all alone in my life. It's funny how things come back to me as I write.

 

[KAT]

I know what happened with dad was horrible. But I just get tried of saying the word. I'm sorry about the paragraph. I keep forgetting the format. Do I need to rewrite it?

 

[Nyx]

Don't worry about it, Kat. For now I can't do it because I don't have permissions, so it will stay like this a while. But it will get fixed soon.

My T keeps telling me that dreams are the way our subconscious "talks" to us, so yes, the nightmare could have been a reminder. And it's a completely normal reaction to feel weepy and insecure for now. Things resurface and are difficult. It gets easier in time.