Squeamish Therapist?

[Lucycat]

Interesting. May I ask what exactly you were doing with your therapist for those four yeas if not talking about your trauma?

I have done a combination of talk therapy and EMDR, He knows the nature of the trauma, but not gruesome details.During EMDR I had to think about and visualise these but not say them out loud. It has been brilliant - I would recommend it to anyone. It is certainly very hard work and an exhausting process.

 

[Chava]

Details always hurl me backwards. For me (and I think a lot of people) trust and creating a safe relationship is huge. So initially lots of noticing what I'm feeling, finding ways to calm down my breathing, taking on little bites of difficult things as my body and mind is ready. For me, it's slow and whenever I push it I get a little unglued. I do think it's possible to talk about trauma, to some extent, from a really cerebral and disconnected place. I think my therapist wanted to avoid that too. So slow helps process it with both feelings and cognitive memory in tact. I honestly can barely get the two together without total overwhelm, but when I can in little bits, it is a more transformative step than simply "telling" what happened. But I'm pretty triggered by relationships in general...so the safety and feeling like I could trust my therapist with any information has taken a really long time, even though she's a completely nice and gentle person.

Connecting and trusting is part of the work for me. I think that's true for many of us. But for sure, going into trauma too quickly can lead to flooding, dissociation, backsliding into symptoms, etc. So a good therapist is generally gentle about getting into it. You have to get to know her, but she is also getting to know you...general bits of history but also where you are at in terms of coping, emotional regulation, what happens between sessions, etc. I suppose therapy could drag on in an unhelpful way but it seems more potentially damaging to rush into trauma details than to go slower pace, so she might just be trying to be cautious and get to know you in a broader way first.

My therapy is body-oriented (somatic experiencing and other stuff), which partly holds that the details don't even matter so much as our nervous system's ability to regulate the information, whether spoken in detail or not. It's more about finding safe release for trauma energy and bringing nervous system back into the mainstream. That's just one approach and talking and sharing all of the information is helpful for others. But that in itself isn't really what healing from trauma involves. It's a complex mix of sharing, being validation, and helping your system experience healthier regulation and fewer negative symptoms. So a lot of different kinds of work can be involved in that.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you might ask her what her process is like so you don't have to wonder. Maybe she really is squeamish. But if she's a decent therapist or has worked with trauma, likely not. But it's important to feel like we're being heard, so maybe asking about the therapy process she is working with so you can feel reassured of being heard vs discounted or feeling like your story is possibly minimized...Maybe she will tell you she doesn't want to delve into details because she wants to work on grounding or getting to know you more generally first. Who knows, but if it's bugging you, you have a right to inquire about the process and her techniques.

 

[Dana1010]

@digger - Well, to update I actually filled the thing out, so much ado about nothing. It took a couple of hours and I actually found it strangely validating, like, hey things happened to me that shouldn't have happened and it's about time someone paid proper attention, dammit. I actually think it will be an aid to both of us, 'cause I wrote some things that I know I'd have a difficult time saying to someone's face. It was pretty general and didn't require reams on each and every incident that ever occurred.

There's more than one way to get your history.

This is true and is what initially made me think "squeamish" when she insisted on having it all contained in the form and handled like nuclear waste. I guess we'll see what direction things move in once she gets it.

My therapy is body-oriented (somatic experiencing and other stuff), which partly holds that the details don't even matter so much as our nervous system's ability to regulate the information, whether spoken in detail or not.

Technically, we are doing SE; I guess I imagined it would be more intense but I guess where working up to that. In our first session, she did say something about wanting to acquaint me with regulated body so that I can return to that and not get stuck in a memory. I do start shaking when I'm trying to regulate, so I guess there's at least a little discharge happening.

I initially became interested in SE because of the emphasis on the physiological and not so much just sitting down and talking endlessly. However since I felt so much better after opening up about my memory loop in our last session, I was hoping to get some more stuff out today for increased relief. I agree with a lot of the posters above that she probably is trying to pace me and slow down the process to avoid going overboard.

 

[Chava]

If you're doing SE the details aren't super important. And before the story, gathering the feelings and sensations in your body, learning to recognize and name them, and find an outlet when needed. The idea is that your body has your story more accurately than probably your memory. So your story will be told but your body can do most of the "talking" and you'll have some words and insights to add. But it's a slower process...and kind of gauging where you might be stuck at first, what makes you feel calm, etc.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I gotta get me some SE.

 

[anthony]

Having a history is good, as it allows them to have a rough understanding of what's to come. I must agree though... if you (the client) are willing to just jump in and see what happens, then I would hope like hell the therapist goes along, as that is really what they struggle with in most clients, as they have to try and pull the information out. You're happy to jump in and give it a go... and then they stop you. I would be asking what gives as well.

 

[Dana1010]

It makes me wonder if some therapists get into SE because they think it's a way to weasel out of hearing about things (and still make those three figures an hour.) SE isn't all she does - she does Gestalt and all the rest, but maybe she views the SE clients as her respite from all that. I mean I'm sure it's draining.

I gave her the history five days ago. Tomorrow will be our first session since she's read it.

 

[Justmehere]

My therapist does SE and gestalt and several other forms of trauma therapy. SE doesn’t require knowing all the details, but I have found that with my therapist it’s not because of a lack of courage or willingness to go into the details.

If your therapist has been doing this for decades, she’s actually probably kinda desensitized (not numb, but also not phased as much as we are) and also knows how to discharge and handle the effects of the process really well. It is possible but unlikely it is because she is seeking to avoid it all for her own sake. She is likely doing that for your sake.

Talking about details alone, without processing the trauma somatically, can sometimes be a very destabilizing thing for someone. If she is shying away right now from talking, I think it’s because of what she said – she wants to first make sure you know how to return to the regulated state. That’s very normal for the beginning of SE therapy.

There are lots of times I want to jump into the core issues myself, and my SE therapist tells me whoa, slow down. Your body can’t do all of this at once. She quickly says, "We will get there. We gotta do these other things first."

SE theory is pretty clear that trauma is most effectively processed in the nervous system by going through one part of the trauma that's being "held" in the body at a time. I have had to learn how to do this in SE therapy. We do go into one way the trauma is held in my nervous system at a time, and envitably, when doing the SE process, there are plently of points where one small thing becomes huge in my body, and she becomes the one saying hang on, let’s keep going deeper into this one thing.

It might be helpful to ask her she seems to be shying away from talking about the trauma and if it is because she gets tired of talking about it. I often ask my therapist questions like that. I usually feel kind of dumb doing so, but my therapist welcomes the questions and I have noticed that it actually really helps me feel more safe to dive in deeper on some kind of non-verbal level.

I'm super glad you have already felt some relief!