Stages In Healing?

[Nyx]

Ok. But can you prevent them from happening?

 

[Nicolette]

You can't prevent a shut down if you are overloaded, you have gone to far when you reach that point.....you have to stop yourself before becoming overloaded being saying 'no' to something or learning to let go of what you can't control and just accept that you can only do what you can do.

Then, once your stress levels have reduced you have to pick one thing to focus on and start working on 'fixing it' to start minimising your stress. It may be as simple as dealing with how you feel about something non trauma related and then once that is dealt with start on the next thing on the list which is causing you heartache. Each little thing you knock out of the way by dealing with it lessens your stress and then opens you up to be able to deal with the bigger issues like your trauma. It's like chipping away at the outside, to remove it and uncover what lays beneath and exposing it. You can't expose the underneath while loaded with other things covering it.

 

[cherryblossom]

I think this is my down fall. I don't know how to say no, and then I find myself overwhelmed. By then it's often too late, I've hit the bottom, and then it's one hell of a climb back up.

 

[Nyx]

Take it easy. If it is, let it be for a while. If it's not, not panicking over it will help. Whatever comes, let it be. ou'll be just fine in the end, even with all the storms.

 

[anthony]

I was never hospitalized for this.

Yep... had one major one before being diagnosed, and several smaller one's up to the point and just after diagnosis... but pulled myself up. This was all before any real trauma education... only a little intro therapy during some of the minor breakdowns. They where a rough few years...

 

[jadebear]

I think the first step Jadebear is to allow yourself to feel rather than keep it stuffed down or pretending it didn't happen or keeping it a secret.If you can look past the anger I think you can only then start to identify your emotions.

I seriously don't know how to 'allow' myself to feel anything other than anger and rage. The emotions are there, somewhere, I just don't know how to access them.

 

[Nicolette]

I just don't know how to access them.

My suggestion is to pick a time where you can be alone with no time pressures and no interruptions and just 'sit'. Sit by yourself and let the thoughts run through your mind. If the thoughts make you sad, allow yourself to cry, if they make you angry have a pillow you can punch the crap out of, if you want to scream just do so etc.

My guess is you are 'programmed/wired' how to act with only allowing certain reactions - anger and rage as they scare others away, keeping them at a distance and subconsciously pushing them away (protecting you). I watch you here - you reach out for help then you go back to patterns of anger and rage like deleting your diary. Deleting your diary hurts no-one yet it protects you from re-see the you that you allowed out at times.

Just sit and be still........it will come when you are ready. :hug:

 

[jadebear]

I think that was one of the things I liked about drinking...even though I would end up depressed and crying, it would feel good to let it out. It didn't feel good at the time, but the next day it did.

I was programmed to be seen and not heard. Talk and you ran the risk of being killed, or someone else being killed. Emotions weren't allowed. No matter what was going on, we had to pretend it wasn't. We were taught that as long as we looked good, dressed in nice clothes, etc, then all was good, that it wasn't what was on the inside that mattered, it was what was on the outside that counts. I was taught to not talk about anything at all. No matter what happened, we didn't talk about it....ever. I was told what I could and couldn't say and my mom would rehearse what I would say before she took me somewhere. I wasn't allowed to show anger either, but that was the only emotion I was able to get away with.

Even as an adult, up until my dad died a couple few years ago, it was reinforced. All the times I wanted to get help and start therapy, they would find out and talk me out of it. They would tell me things like "don't ever go talk to someone, they will tell you that you were molested...and you weren't". "don't go see anyone, they will convince you that things happened that didn't", etc. I gave up trying. It took me awhile to go to therapy once he died, and I still have a hard time opening up. That fear of talking never left.

So, I see the pattern of reaching out and then pulling back, I do the same in therapy. It's just a hard thing to undo. I've been doing it my whole life.

 

[Nyx]

They would tell me things like "don't ever go talk to someone, they will tell you that you were molested...and you weren't". "don't go see anyone, they will convince you that things happened that didn't", etc.

If it weren't so why would they try so hard to convince you that nothing happened? Just because it seemed normal to them it doesn't mean it's normal...

Anyway, you are making progress, no matter what they taught you. Even if you're pulling back, you have started to talk and that's what's most important.

I seriously don't know how to 'allow' myself to feel anything other than anger and rage. The emotions are there, somewhere, I just don't know how to access them.

Here's how I did it. I sat down and wrote what made me angry. Everything that came to mind. This was asked by my T - to write him a letter telling him why I hate him. Then I took the elements there and started thinking how that really made me feel.
Ex: I hate my father for not wanting me to be a girl. How does that really make me feel? Makes me feel ashamed of being born a girl. Makes me feel frustrated that I can't be a boy. Makes me feel frustrated for wanting to look good. Makes me feel afraid for myself. And so on...
Once I decomposed every one of them, I tried structuring the feelings, eliminating the ones that repeated themselves and combine the ones that had common root. That is how I obtained that list of feelings from the thread "Processing anger".

It takes a while and it can be confusing. I even questioned myself at times and wondered if I feel that or not. It's also foggy, but it's a start.

 

[jadebear]

If it weren't so why would they try so hard to convince you that nothing happened? Just because it seemed normal to them it doesn't mean it's normal...

I realize now why they tried so hard to convince me, it was to keep me from telling anything and to protect themselves. I didn't realize it until I started therapy though. Before that, I listened and obeyed(and believed them).

I do remember reading the processing anger thread. I will have to re-read it....

 

[Nyx]

Take care when you read it. You said back then that you found a lot of your own thoughts and feelings in there, so take care not to trigger stuff too badly.

 

[Nicolette]

All the times I wanted to get help and start therapy, they would find out and talk me out of it. They would tell me things like "don't ever go talk to someone, they will tell you that you were molested...and you weren't". "don't go see anyone, they will convince you that things happened that didn't", etc. I gave up trying.

Same as my CPTSD sister......it took her almost 20 years to even get diagnosed as anytime she went near someone for help they told her " there is nothing wrong with you, they will just fill your head with things which aren't true, the only people who can really help you is us". They guilt-ed her out of treatment so many times to the point she doubts anyone trying to help her. It took her 2 years to respond to me when I sent her information on PTSD and then the family still told her "those people don't know what they are talking about" and they set about trying to 'fix' her which, to me on the outside, was stuffing her back in a silence box.