I am officially diagnosed, but because my insurance does not cover therapy, I have only visited enough to get prescribed meds to avoid additional expenses. I also have no immediate family or friends who understand my situation, so I am basically on my own.
I don't remember a time prior to the trauma. I was born into an abusive house. Only 24 hours after I had been taken home from the hospital after being born, my mother told me my father would scream at me when I started crying (as babies do). He once nearly chucked infant me into the floor because he was so angry I needed another diaper change. My mother told me she actually feared for my life and didn't know what to do.
It's been like this for almost 20 years now. I've known nothing else.
I was rarely allowed out of the house, nor was my mother. My dad postponed me getting my first job or driver's license. He scared away any friend or romantic interest I had. He also acted abusive and rude to my mother's friends, to the point they were scared of him and no longer wanted anything to do with her.
We were isolated.
I suffered with symptoms of multiple mental illnesses, and never could receive help. My dad had the money, but never let me go to the hospital when I needed. At the time, therapy was free. He just didn't want me to go because he feared loosing his job if the therapist found out about his behavior.
He denied me ever having problems and put the blame on me as to why there was so much tension in the house. I blamed myself for the anger my dad felt toward me and my mom, somehow. I, as well as my parents and teachers I came out to at the time, convinced myself that my problems "weren't really that bad." I was exaggerating. I don't really have a mental illness (even though I thought about suicide as a child and purposely crossed the street without looking, hoping to be hit by a car). I just need to get over this crippling gut wrenching feeling that follows me everywhere I go. Not being allowed to go to a birthday party or ride a skateboard is normal. Having your dad snag your pencil while writing because you spelled something incorrectly is normal. Not sleeping at night is normal. Living in fear of your dad is normal.This is normal.
It's not.
That took me years to figure out, and it's still something I struggle with because of my urge to forgive. He promised to change, but his behavior is the same, in different way. All I hear are excuses, somehow something I did provoked him, therefore I deserve being lashed out on. He's "always good to me" and doesn't understand why I ask him to stop screaming at his wife who came home 20 minutes late.
I don't want this anymore. This was never my family. I never felt like I belonged. When I was at home, I wanted to be at school. When I was at school, I wanted to be home. I never had a safe place to go, and I'm tired of living that way.
I'm emotionally numb from all of the abuse, and I don't know who I am. So, I'm changing my name, moving away, starting my life anew, as far away as possible from you.
I don't remember a time prior to the trauma. I was born into an abusive house. Only 24 hours after I had been taken home from the hospital after being born, my mother told me my father would scream at me when I started crying (as babies do). He once nearly chucked infant me into the floor because he was so angry I needed another diaper change. My mother told me she actually feared for my life and didn't know what to do.
It's been like this for almost 20 years now. I've known nothing else.
I was rarely allowed out of the house, nor was my mother. My dad postponed me getting my first job or driver's license. He scared away any friend or romantic interest I had. He also acted abusive and rude to my mother's friends, to the point they were scared of him and no longer wanted anything to do with her.
We were isolated.
I suffered with symptoms of multiple mental illnesses, and never could receive help. My dad had the money, but never let me go to the hospital when I needed. At the time, therapy was free. He just didn't want me to go because he feared loosing his job if the therapist found out about his behavior.
He denied me ever having problems and put the blame on me as to why there was so much tension in the house. I blamed myself for the anger my dad felt toward me and my mom, somehow. I, as well as my parents and teachers I came out to at the time, convinced myself that my problems "weren't really that bad." I was exaggerating. I don't really have a mental illness (even though I thought about suicide as a child and purposely crossed the street without looking, hoping to be hit by a car). I just need to get over this crippling gut wrenching feeling that follows me everywhere I go. Not being allowed to go to a birthday party or ride a skateboard is normal. Having your dad snag your pencil while writing because you spelled something incorrectly is normal. Not sleeping at night is normal. Living in fear of your dad is normal.This is normal.
It's not.
That took me years to figure out, and it's still something I struggle with because of my urge to forgive. He promised to change, but his behavior is the same, in different way. All I hear are excuses, somehow something I did provoked him, therefore I deserve being lashed out on. He's "always good to me" and doesn't understand why I ask him to stop screaming at his wife who came home 20 minutes late.
I don't want this anymore. This was never my family. I never felt like I belonged. When I was at home, I wanted to be at school. When I was at school, I wanted to be home. I never had a safe place to go, and I'm tired of living that way.
I'm emotionally numb from all of the abuse, and I don't know who I am. So, I'm changing my name, moving away, starting my life anew, as far away as possible from you.
