Starting Over

[Jimmy1]

Starting Over

This is my timeline for Combat PTSD and to me its like I am starting all over again.

2002, I returned from East Timor and presented to the medical personnel with anger issues, loss of concentration at work, family problems, and I basically hated the world. The medical personnel in their infinite wisdom stated ?PTSD and then proceeded to test my thyroid. They did send me down to the Army Psych, but they said there was nothing wrong.

So I just used that anger and aggression and put it to work to complete my promotion courses and obtain a posting so I could achieve that promotion.

The marriage went from bad to worse and no one within the unit recognised I had any problem, they just thought I was an angry old SGT.

I put this anger to use and threw myself into 12 to 16 hour days ensuring my soldiers were functioning and were well looked after. This gave me what I needed to get a deployment to Iraq. (Maybe I could escape over there).

During my seven month deployment, I don't think I slept a full night because of the explosions, general noises, and gunships which regularly flew over as well as the shift work we were required to do as watch officers. There was also the other traumatic events which just going near them in my mind still cause me to cringe.

After returning it only took 18 months for someone to realise I was not right. This included the final dissolution of my then marriage.
I was placed on anti-depressants (Zoloft) and mood stabilisers (Epilim) and placed on the national PTSD course.

This would have all been well and good if I did not mask all the good work and medication with alcohol and substance abuse.
I have mentioned it before in previous posts, however, I gave up the alcohol nearly 18 months ago now and the substance abuse just over 3 months ago.

The problem I am having is it is like I am STARTING OVER.

The medications no longer had any effect and if anything, had adverse effects. At present I am Lexapro 20 mg which has no real effect at all, and the Mirtazapine they gave me I had to give up because it made me feel worse.
The problem with the medication is its like everyone is using guesswork. Try one thing, if it does not work, try another. That is depressing in itself.

I am aware that medication is not the long term answer even though I know some people who are resigned to the fact that they will be on it for life, but I would like to be able to find 'one' type of medication that will aid me so I can get on with the 'cognitive therapy' or 'EMDR' and start to get my life back.

I see my GP today, my counsellor tomorrow, and my Psych on the 9th of next month. So really its just a matter of hurry up and wait.

I suppose to put it in an analogy, its like my car has the wrong type of fuel, and once I find the right fuel, I will be able to learn to drive it. And If I continue to get driving lessons and practice, eventually everything will become second nature.

So, I only have myself to blame for the alcohol and substance abuse, but that is past now and I suppose I am now in a big hurry to make up for the mistakes of the past.
:confused:

 

[anthony]

It takes years to get a good grasp on managing PTSD without medication, alcohol, etc. Don't stress yourself over that one... nobody can do it in any type of record time, because knowledge is the first aspect, then to use that knowledge and apply it to your daily life. That all takes time and experience. I didn't just wakup and be able to go into shopping centres all day without fallout... movies, concerts, etc. It all took time and experience. I fell over a lot of times, dusted myself off and did it again and again and again, until I applied what I learnt within each situation. The end result, much less fallout and when I do have fallout, it occurs for one or two days, even only hours, then I am ok again. I still have PTSD and I still get ill for no apparent reason on some days, though my overall lifestyle and abilities to participate within life are pretty high. Every time I try and work, that one kicks my arse... being the stress of dealing with people constantly, time restrictions, etc... the anxiety builds far to quickly and I fall over within a week max. Would I be able to work with medication? Maybe... in combination with alcohol, most likely.

The end result of that though would not be good for anyone around me, most likely not even those I worked with. But it could be done if I chose that lifestyle. I don't personally want to have my body under that much stress again, as I have already done irreparable damage to myself as a result of stress.

Even today, I still learn new things, learn new boundaries for myself and still continue to expose myself into life, new things, pushing myself just to try and stay as mentally healthy as possible.

The point is... don't just assume you are going to do CBT, EMDR, medication, etc, and things will get better, because this is how you will severely disappoint yourself and make yourself worse. Learn and approach things with caution and control. Control is very much a factor for PTSD. You control your daily stressor intake, you control how much you push yourself one day vs. the next day. Don't build yourself up for anything mental health related to provide a fix... because it won't happen. There is nothing on the market or within the field that can achieve this for PTSD. A common-sense, balance approach to educating yourself and applying your education to daily life will give you a much better lifestyle with PTSD. This is CBT in a nutshell, hence why CBT has the highest success rate for PTSD, around the 95% plus mark, because the person themselves have to actually do the work, find their limits, push themselves and so forth.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate thanks for those comments.

I suppose I am aware that there is no magic treatment or magic pill that would make it go away, apart from alzheimer's, and I won't let myself get set up for a fall, but I will have a positive attitude and not hide from what needs to be done.

This site is a great help and also allows me to bounce my feelings around when the chips are down.