Startled!

[Justmehere]

I have been in car accidents, and I have been yelled at during traumatic events, and I have had an exaggerated startle reflex since I was a small child. My brother used to tease me about how easily I could jump when scared. I have never had any trauma involving explosions or a sudden loud boom.

Twice in the last week there has been a loud sudden sound and it spooked me into sudden automatic running and hiding.

The first time, I was sitting in my house, feeling anxious and triggered already. I was slightly hyperventilating due to another trigger. Outside the window of my apartment, someone dropped a pile of wood and it made a very loud sound. I instantly screamed and ducked in the corner. I was startled by my own reaction - it was so sudden, so automatic. It went away as soon as it hit me, but I shivered and shook for awhile all the same.

Then on Saturday, I was out car camping with good friends. There was a group of about 8 of us. One of the other girls and I walked over to the grass next to a lake, not far from our tents (and within sight of one of our protective guy friends.) We were at about 10,000 ft, and sound carries really well at that level. We could hear people who were talking across the lake. The stars were incredible, and the air was cold. We were lying on the ground and I felt so safe and at peace. Someone from the campsite near to ours came out to the water's edge. They were about 30 feet away. We turned on our headlamps in their direction to make sure they knew we were there. I'm not sure why we did this, it was just something we did rather quickly.

Then I saw one of them throw something towards the water with a trail of sparks. My first thought was "wait, fireworks?" Then the boom came. I instantly and automatically jumped up and ran for the campsite. I stopped near our tent and my whole body shook and shivered. My friend and I were half scared and half giggling. Two of our guy friends went over and talked to them and came back and told us they wouldn't be sending off any ore illegal fireworks anytime soon. Another called police to let them know. (We had seen a firework go off on the other side of the lake much earlier in the day.)

I wasn't cognitively scared. But physically, I shook and shivered for quite awhile. I told my friend I have PTSD, this happens sometimes. She grabbed blankets and I wrapped up tight by the fire. The shivering and shaking stopped but I ended up having to take emergency anti-anxiety meds to fall asleep. I didn't have any thoughts of fear -- but my body responded on FULL ALERT anyhow.

I have never been in combat, but yet I still have this super strong startle reflex. Yeah, the guys with the fireworks were really stupid and they had to answer for they did to police and park rangers. But it's not just fireworks or loud sounds outside. I can accidentally drop my own books and jump at the sound of them hitting the floor.

Two of my friends on the trip knew beforehand that I have PTSD, but not anything about the trauma. Now another friend knows as I had to explain why I was still shivering and shaking. I told them "I am ok, I have PTSD, it will take a little while for my body to totally calm back down." Everyone was great about it. They didn't make a big deal, and yet still asked if I needed anything and reassured me that things were ok, there would be no more fireworks. My friend who does not have PTSD was startled and upset too, but she didn't run 30 feet to duck and cover and she didn't shiver for an hour afterwards.

I know I'm not alone in having such a strong startle response. I feel really embarrassed all the same. I'm home from the camping trip and looking back on my week, and I feel so bad about it all. Even when my brain knows that everything is ok, my body is still ready to fight or flight in a nanosecond.

I really need to share this right now. I refuse to let my mind start beating myself up or to feel ashamed for responses I can't control. No one was in danger because I ran so suddenly and then shivered for so long. Everyone understood. It was a reasonable response. I still feel so bad.

 

[Friday]

I love the saying 'Normal reaction to abnormal circumstance'.

The upside to the startle reflex is that it means you actually move instead of freeze. Most people freeze. Heck, that's what half of combat training is: learning to move in an emergency, and how to think -or obey- when your brain shuts itself off (aka reflex, do the right thing out of sheer repetition until you can think again and do the right thing on purpose). So, yeah, the Pluto-dicked-morons were throwing fireworks in the lake. If it hadn't been, if it had been a half stick of dynamite and a shallow shoreline? Pebbles are great shrapnel. BrainDonor walks to spitting distance of you in the dark and there's an explosion. It's a good thing to throw yourself out of the way!!!

Another description of PTSD?
The gift of the survivor.

 

[SeanCharles]

I find I have to restrain myself from wanting to react to being startled in a violent reaction. The more I look back on this job whether I was in grocery or now the deli, I still react to sudden loud thuds or even trash compactor door being slammed to a dust mop handle hitting the floor to worse, someone sneaking up on me, the first immediate reaction is to want to knock them out. I definitely have to hold back and realize where I am and such it's almost like an instant grounding... I hope this makes sense!

 

[Justmehere]

BrainDonor walks to spitting distance of you in the dark and there's an explosion. It's a good thing to throw yourself out of the way!!!

Another description of PTSD?
The gift of the survivor.

@FridayJones - These words were just what I needed to be reminded of. Thank you deeply!

@SeanGeo - So sorry you struggle with this too! Sometimes I jump and then I want to yell, "stop!" It does make sense that you instantly ground to keep yourself from reacting. Do you know what helps you hold back and not respond?

 

[Seasounds]

I like your responses, they make sense to me, and I support you in feeling at peace, with your reactions.

Tto be helpful, a thought:
In homeopathy, a natural treatment modality, people naturally have different types (i.e. some people are sensitive, some are grumpy, some are angry, etc). None are good, none are bad; they just are.

 

[shimmerz]

This is what I am hearing. 'I haven't had a trauma that involved big bangs so why do I react like this?' Does that negate for you that you are allowed to respond this way to loud noises? I hear in your posting it is a natural response but then that you feel bad. I would challenge that feeling bad by knowing that this too (regardless of the reason) is a normal response when your brain is PTSD wired (loud bangs being part of the original trauma or not). Love yourself, forgive yourself, and keep surrounding yourself with those kick @ss friends. They sound just awesome. Treat yourself the way they treated you.

BTW, fireworks completely screw with my head as well but as far as I know loud bangs were not part of my trauma either. I understand why I react to most noises now but not fireworks. When I react to them and feel like I shouldn't be I bear in mind how many dogs shake and shiver and try to hide under beds etc. It reminds me to be as kind to myself as I would be to a pet with the same reaction.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I definitely agree that hyper vigilance of ANY sort despite your trauma is a part of PTSD. For me sounds are somewhat of an issue, but people sneaking up on me is HUGE! I also agree that people have different responses to it like @FridayJones said. Mine is to freeze in most circumstances and I HATE that! I want to bolt, but physically can't. Oddly enough I have dreams about trying to run away and feeling like my legs are stuck in quicksand. The only time I do bolt is when I hear people fighting, physically or just arguing. That is due to my past. I immediately bolt into a corner of a room curled up as tight as possible and have severe panic attacks 0_o.

I like what @shimmerz said about fireworks and the dogs. We are kind to them, why can't we be kind to ourselves?

 

[SeanCharles]

One trauma that I feel has added to my ptsd cup is one involving a drive-by-shooting of sorts with a cap gun which had me fearing for my life. I was not yet diagnosed with ptsd although I have had seizures at this point at least the onset as I recall which I suspect are either directly or indirectly related to the ptsd. It wasn't until this fourth of July that I remembered this trauma. I have an upcoming psych appointment in assisting with my disability determination that the state and Social Security are currently engaged in. While that appointment does involve my ptsd, it doesn't necessarily connect to this thread even though hyper-vigilance is obviously one of my symptoms which I will likely be discussing with this doc.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to have a very bad startle response which my family thought was hilarious. Now many, many years later it is not so bad anymore so I want to share this hope with you that you will not always be this way. You have a future and a hope. Hugs.

 

[SeanCharles]

I have a co-worker who doesn't seem to care that he triggers my startle response. I so have to keep myself from decking him! I don't need any violent reactions which would definitely be used against me.

 

[Friday]

I have a co-worker who doesn't seem to care that he triggers my startle response.

Try jumping into him &/or knocking stuff over in a big spectacular fashion. The kind of thing that is super embarassing in the moment (unless you've engineered the thing), but that ends up with coworker getting told to knock it off & leave you alone. I've done this tons with guys who think its funny (and I'm not working somewhere I can deck him and get away with it.). Yep. Funny until the boss puts a moratorium on it. How it usually goes is something like this;

Crash! Bang! Drip drip drip... (As I knock over the table with the coffee on it)
"What happened?"
"Sorry! Josh thinks it's funny to come up behind me and scare me."
"Josh! Knock it off! ... And clean this mess up! You think we're in highschool?"

Sometimes I've needed to knock over a plant, or cubical partition, or crash into people a few times before Josh's neck is on the chopping block if he doesn't stop instigating these things. But since it actually counts as harassment & hostile work environment and you could sue, management is generally keen on putting a stop to it fast. Course, if management is in on it, that's when you do take it to HR or legal as harassment & hostile work environment.

I'll tell you what, though. My favorite places to work are where I can simply get my own back, and knock dude flat.

 

[SeanCharles]

@FridayJones My workplace resembles high school! :roflmao: He does get himself in hot water anyway and must like doing so. Me, I am hatching a plan in which I have to be cautious of my actions more so now then I did before because I am waiting for a disability determination. I don't know beyond a psych eval at this point what else I will have to do yet. I have that appointment in two weeks! I know too to a degree that the last two days my back was covered which has been a bit refreshing. I suspect that in small ways I am being cut some major slack in comparison to some of my co-workers.