Stay Or Go, Feeling Stuck

[SMC_1987]

I was only officially diagnosed a week ago, I think part of my brain is still in denial even though I've known for at least the last year SOMETHING was wrong. A small shred is still saying "you're fine, its everyone else who has a problem."

My family telling me I'm not the same person anymore is what finally pushed me to go. Turns out I'm not so good at hiding it as I thought I was. They were really understanding and supportive, my partner on the other hand just doesn't seem to get it. I'm thinking about leaving him. I don't know how much longer I can try to make him understand, he just doesn't.

I can't stand pretending to be something I'm not, and constantly explaining to him why yet again I just don't want to go anywhere, or be intimate, or clean the house, or even just TALK. I'm tired of feeling like (and to him, being, I'm sure) a constant let down. This is eating my life, I'm trying to think this through and make a rational decision. I can't tell if the PTSD is making me feel this way about him, because its taken over everything else I used to enjoy in life, or if I'm really just done. Everything in me wants to give up because he refuses to try to see it from my point of view. I know its not easy for him as a supporter, but he pushes way too much and just expects me to be better. "Think positively, smile more" in his opinion will make it all better. If I release him he can go find his perfect, mentally healthy, active person that he keeps trying to turn me back into. The person I used to be.

I can't talk to anyone in my personal life...I feel like nobody cares.

 

[arfie]

You have someone to talk to here, SMC. Folks who are sorting through similar issues. I find it easier to sort out this stuff with folks who are not so enmeshed in the problem, but still have clues what I am dealing with.

My own journey through PTSD has caused me to seriously misread both myself and other people on a routine basis. When I find myself feeling misunderstood I try to detach just enough to let my control issues, etc., settle. Lots of times I get so lost in the chaos that I can't tell a hand from a foot.

Give it time, SMC. It is allot to sort through.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Relationships are hard even for people without PTSD. How much does your partner understand about PTSD? He may not even realize what it all means and therefore says unhelpful things even when he is trying to be helpful. I had my husband come into a session with my T and I just so she could explain to him what PTSD is and how it affects my life and relationships with him and others. He still gets frustrated with me at times but I know he is trying so hard. Maybe it would be helpful for him to sit in a session with you and your T or Doc so he can start to understand more.

One other suggestion I have is not making any big decisions right now. Let the dust settle, as the saying goes, and wait until you feel more accepting of your new diagnosis and have had some time to process everything. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Powder]

You just got diagnosed a week ago. Was it by a psychiatrist or psychologist or just MD? Will they be referring you for therapy elsewhere? Who will help you with meds if you should want them?

From what I read, you are still working through the process of accepting the diagnosis yourself. Give it some more time. He is probably having a harder time working through the diagnosis than he lets on. He may feel like he's losing you, and in a way, maybe he is. He may be desperate, unsure how to help, among other feelings.

I know it's hard, but you must try to be patient with the time it takes to work through this. You are at the beginning of a healing journey. Don't push him or anyone away just yet who genuinely loves you and wants to support you, even if they don't understand you yet. That will come with patience as you learn to navigate PTSD for you and share that with them. He may well be the ally you need to find your way through the maze of living with PTSD and coming through it to the life you want. It's so much easier if you have someone to take the journey with if they care.

 

[SMC_1987]

He just gave me an ultimatum to change or he's done, so I guess the feeling is mutual.

I can't promise him change, so I don't know where to go from here.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am very sorry @SMC_1987

 

[SMC_1987]

It's been a long time coming.

 

[Powder]

Sorry to hear that, SMC_1987. I don't know what that feels like, but I imagine not good at all. :(

I keep wanting to ask you about medication and then editing it out. (Not sure why.) I guess just that you feel you have changed dramatically makes me want to ask if you have tried any medications for PTSD or if it's too soon to get into. I think it's good to take time to think about how you feel and want to try to feel before doing the meds talk.

I "came of age" with PTSD during the SSRIs hey day when the idea of just putting into tap water in my home state of Washington was actually an idea of a psychologist in Spokane. Needless to say, I was put on several SSRIs, which was a dark time of life for me that put me off the idea of medication for over decade. I'm still not a fan, but I found Lorazapam to help my digestion and keep a healthy weight (not to mention leave the house and work). I am now okay with taking it on a low-moderate daily dose, to regulate my PTSD until something better comes along. I am happy to have it.

How has your eating, sleeping, weight been effected in the past year? Did you have a severe weight loss prior to PTSD symtoms?

Muse

 

[SMC_1987]

My family keeps suggesting medication, it's just not a step I'm ready to take. Shortly after the trauma my family doctor put me on Xanax for "generalized anxiety," the side effects were so awful that I'm really not ready to go down that road again. I was a living zombie for a year and a half. That was 6 years ago.

I did actually have significant weight loss before this hit me full throttle. Alternatively, now that I'm living it, I've started gaining back some of the weight as I tend to cope with stress through food lately.

Sleeping has always been an issue, initially after the trauma I was a full blown insomniac. Now I can easily fall asleep but wake up a lot throughout the night, I'm tired 95% of my waking hours and only really function with caffeine stimulants.