Relationship Stay Or Go?

[tina_562]

I am the lucky wife of a Canadian soldier with uncontrolled PTSD.

I don't know when the last time is that we had 2 consecutive 'nice' days in a row. We have been married for 12 years and we have our youngest (16 yr old son from previous marriage) still living at home. Everything he and I do is subject to snotty comments , pissy looks and/or outright meanness.

Logically I know we should get out, but I keep hoping there will be a shift in hubbies behavior that makes 6 crap years worth the fight. Problem is, I'm not stupid..just scared of walking away from a person who used to be my best friend, and honestly my only current source of financial stability.

My hubby is the least introspective person I have ever met ( always had been that way) and is not doing anything ( diet, exercise , peer support,therapy) to examine what's going on ,or heal.

He actually called me a name and left the counselors office ( leaving me unsure of how I would get home, not to mention so embarrassed I just wanted to die) and insists that it was my fault.

Our house is so stressful we have a cat on antidepressants! I know this is a toxic environment for my son and myself , but I am having a hard time actually packing the boxes.To make this more complicated I am currently not working, so moving seems not to be an option..but we just received a disability settlement for enough money that I could move out tomorrow and have enough time to find a job without being broke. I could leave now if I wanted to.

I am not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but I would love any input...after 6 yrs with PTSD guy, my ability to make decisions has been eroded.

 

[Dallas]

Maybe you could get a job now, without having to move out. That would make you less dependent on him, and give you more confidence. It would also give you the strength you need to get him to seek help. Take care of your own needs first, everything else will fall into place.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[p-no]

I keep hoping there will be a shift in hubbies behavior

A friend of mine, general practitioner then working part-time (supervised) as a psychotherapist (not yet completed that additional education) said to me once, when I said what you did about my now ex-husband: When you look back at the last six years, has there been any shift out of the blue? That is what your chances are that "something" will happen "sometime".

Six years is a long time. I would suppose that this has already had an effect on your son and you, too. What you keep hoping for is something unreal given the current (and past) facts of your husband not doing anything to help himself. Why would he turn around now when he hasn't in six years? And why should he change; he's been accepted doing what he's been doing for a long time now.

 

[p-no]

P. S. The same friend said to me when I thought about leaving more seriously that telling the man you love you will leave if he doesn't get help and invest into the relationship that way actually gives them a chance. I had always viewed that as threatening them, putting them under pressure, etc. But it really is another perspective, that telling your partner that you'll leave (for example) in precisely one month if he hasn't gotten himself and thus all of you any help, really gives him a chance to keep the woman he (maybe still) loves and his son in his life so he will not be alone. If you really mean it when you say it, it is no threat and neither pressure, it's simply informing him of your boundaries and that you care enough to let him know because he can actually do something to turn it around. If he doesn't take that opportunity, then he doesn't take that opportunity. Then, in my view, you should take yours for leading a happy life without abuse.

 

[Venusian]

I have PTSD, I am not a supporter, but remember you have to look after you and your son. PTSD is NEVER an excuse for abuse, never forget that.

There are a lot of people on here that developed PTSD from other things, including abuse. Please make sure you and your son are safe while you are working on your relationship with your husband. There are lots of couples on here making it work and a lot of information. I usually don't respond in this forum so ignore me if you want to, but I have found a lot of information on here to help me see things from the other side. Your husband has to be able to gain a little perspective and want to help himself. I hope that you can gain a little insight to his side too.

 

[Hashi]

Do you have individual counselling for yourself? If not, could you begin to? 12 years of marriage is a long time, and it sounds like the last 6 have been especially long. You have a lot to consider.

I'd suggest being careful what you say to your husband at this point. I'm not clear who the disability settlement was awarded to, but if it's in an account that your husband has access to he might take steps to remove that option from you if he thinks there's a risk you'll take it. He might react in others ways too.

I think it's best to safeguard your options, and keep things to yourself, while you think about what you want to do. Make sure you stay safe, whatever you choose.

 

[discarded]

Hi Tina. I agree with a lot of what the others have said. I tried for 7 long years from when my husband was diagnosed with (combat related) PTSD for him to get help. When he was initially diagnosed he was the one who was ending our marriage (at that stage 21 years together) as he blamed me for all his misery due to my constantly trying to get him help. When I agreed I would leave him and we started the process to end our marriage he decided to get help. He was ok for a while, so he stopped therapy. Then he triggered again.

The last 3 years and especially the last 12 months have been hell. I could take it no more. Our now 12 year old daughter and myself had suffered for far too long with a man who did not want my support and seems hell bent on destroying himself. I told him if he didn't get help I would leave. I gave him a time frame. He did nothing. So, using the money from the small inheritance I received following my mother's death, I left. He cried, he didn't I would do it, didn't think I could afford to on a small casual wage. He said he would get help, please give him 3 months to sort himself out. It has been nearly 5 months now, my funds are running out, he has done nothing. He doesn't make any attempt to see our daughter, I have initiated all contact (4 times). Our 28th wedding anniversary is at the end of the month and I assume it will come and go and still our marriage will not be worth saving.

I know I have painted a negative picture for you, but in our case it is a real picture. You really do need to save yourself and your son. I hit rock bottom on new year's day, I wanted to end it all. If it had not been for my sister's intervention at realising how distressed I was, I may have done just that. I am terrified at how I will cope on my own to provide financially for my daughter after years of being mostly dependent on my husband. I am terrified at being on my own after all these years. But I am determined to be a survivor, to not let my daughter down. You, like so many of us, have found yourself in an unbearable situation. We didn't cause it and despite all of our well intentioned efforts to help our sufferers they still refuse to get help. We still love them. On new year's day after a long talk with my wonderful brother, I realised I love the man my husband was, I can no longer see any of that man, I don't know who he is anymore. He has done so many things that have hurt me that I never believed he would ever do. I don't know how to help him and trying to has destroyed me.

I had reached my limit of what I was prepared to take, I saw the option of leaving as the best one and hoped it would be the catalyst for him to get help. In my case it wasn't but that doesn't mean that it won't work out for you. For 4 months I waited in limbo hoping things would change til i reached my limit with that also. I am going to lose out big time also when it comes to property settlement and as unjust as that may seem it is the way it is and I now at peace with that. I am now ready to put an end to that 28 year chapter of my life and start to rebuild. I hate seeing my husband the way he is but it really is up to him now. He knows where the help is, hell he works for DVA since getting out of the army.

Good luck to you and (((((hugs))))) for you and your son. You are braver and more capable than you think. Be strong and take of you.

 

[Nicolette]

P. S. The same friend said to me when I thought about leaving more seriously that telling the man you love you will leave if he doesn't get help and invest into the relationship that way actually gives them a chance.

I think this is a good idea.

At least with an ultimatum as such, you have given them every chance and a clear consequence of their choosing. Their choice, in actions, will let you know what they really want and will either clarify if there is hope of change or not.

The only thing I would be mindful is of reasonable time frames - eg I will leave in 1 month if you do not seek ongoing medical support from a psychiatrist seems reasonable but sometimes the first appointment can be a 6 week wait. Also be prepared to carry through your ultimatum and it not just be hollow words.

 

[discarded]

I agree with Nicolette. You must be willing to follow through. My husband cried in disbelief when I told him I had been offered a rental property. I gave him the weekend before I had to pay the bond to seriously think about if it was what he wanted. When it got to Monday he didn't say a thing, nothing. He didn't say stay and he didn't say go. It was all up to me, he wasn't able to decide. That was enough, I wasn't worth it, after 28 years together he could not make a decision. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but it was the right one. I may not have saved him but I saved me and our daughter. That has to be better than all 3 of us going under.

I really feel for you and the situation you are in. Now is the time to consider only you and your son. Do what is best for the both of you. You have tried your best for your husband and your marriage. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with as a temporary measure?

 

[Abstract]

I think an ultimatum is a good idea. The only down side is that it seems to me many men don't believe it is happening until the person walks out the door.

The other possible concern is if you don't feel safe. It seems your husband is emotionally abusive. If there is any chance of it being more than that then I would be careful and would make plans before you say anything. Also the financial aspect of this is important to consider and plan before you start discussing it with him. Is he likely to be fair to you financially?

Take your time and think all aspects of this through before you take action. Take care.

 

[discarded]

Some very good points from Abstract.

 

[tina_562]

Thank you all for your comments. I left on sat night with my son and stayed at a hotel in town. My hubbie and I had gotten into one of those unending/pointless 'debates' because I had sat him down and told him that he needed to get more help, I was tired of being in emotional turmoil. Well, after a couple of hours of being told all that I do wrong and feeling like I was going mad, I left. My son and I ordered pizza and watched movies and talked unitl midnight. My hands did not shake and I felt so very sad, but not like a beaten dog. I was hoping that since when we left he was crying and upset it might sink in a bit...nope. He got drunk and watched war movies!!! I was told last night that the ball is entirely in my court..I'm the one who wants to go and there is nothing he can say or do!! Guess I have my answer.