Staying with trigger good or retraumitizing?

[WillowMarie]

I always read that people caution against worries about being retraumitized. Mainly in therapy, if someone doesn't respond right, it can cause more damage than good.

This has got me thinking what my therapist wants me to do outside of therapy. If someone is angry, to go towards it instead of pulling back and avoiding it. I think that she thinks I am just going to be able to handle it some day, that I just need to get used to it.

At work, I deal with many customers who have irritated attitudes and become rude. I feel like I can't physically stay around people like this. Especially when they get upset, and especially when they start telling me what I "should be" doing. Which are both a trigger for me, seeing people irritated, and when they tell me I "should" be doing something different, and also when they do not listen to me. So pretty much how my dad was, angry, blame things on me when he was mad and tell me I need to adjust my behavior, and he was always right even if there was proof he wasn't.

This past month, I don't know if it is because I have been more tired lately or what, but I feel like this childlike rebelliousness is surfacing in these situations where I just want to argue back with people. It reminds me of when I was younger and would get pissed off with my dad and fight/argue back sometimes. I told my therapist I feel like I am going straight into *fight* mode right away. My therapist was thrilled to hear I am talking back to people at work... lol. But it scares me a bit because I have a bit more anxiety of getting in trouble because I feel like someone is going to tell me I am being bad. (Another trigger of mine.)



But I still don't understand how staying in these situations will help because there is usually a point where the customer keeps complaining to me while being frustrated and I either feel angry/scared building up, or I am ignoring the inner stuff pretty well, but then realize I am shaking and that makes me realize what I am feeling inside. At this point I leave the situation and have someone else take over, or most likely call a manager. My brain also shuts down at this point and it is hard to think.

Mostly I end up in the bathroom practicing grounding techniques since I am really spacey and feel emotional. I try my best to let myself cry/feel, but still feeling present. Which is a struggle because the emotions keep hitting me in strong waves where I space out, as if my mind was also showing me something, but I can't actually see it. A lot of the times I forget where I am because all of a sudden I realize where I am and I didn't know before because I spaced out during the emotions feeling intense.

I have been trying to be more aware of what goes on in my head during these times and it is usually my brain trying to tell me that I did something wrong, I am in trouble, someone is going to yell at me. Even though my managers and other associates have been very supportive when things like this happen and have not really blamed me. It actually surprises me how caring they can be, I am not used to it at all.

So my question is, if I pushed myself to stay in these situations (I leave because I know I cannot control my reaction anymore, I wouldn't be able to stop it if I stayed, and fear crying and shaking uncontrollably and I don't want the mean customers to see me like that, know that they affected me.), isn't it doing more harm than good?

I know my therapist is probably thinking I will just get used to it some day, but I don't feel that way. There is a point I start to shut down and dissociate and I can't think rationally at that point and remind myself that everything is okay and I am not in danger and remember to breathe.

Will it be harmful if I tried to stay in these situations?

 

[scout86]

I can't see how it would be harmful, although I can see how it would be difficult. (But, that's just an opinion from someone with no professional training at all!)

Has your therapist ever mentioned thinking this through before hand and coming up with an effective plan for dealing with these situations? You know that you are uncomfortable in these situations because of early experiences with your dad. You know these people are NOT your dad. You know other outcomes are possible. Can you make a plan to follow to get the desired outcome from these situations? What would that outcome BE?

It seems like, to move forward, you need to assimilate the idea that what happened with your dad was "him" and "then" and that you need to come up with new and improved ways to handle "other difficult people" and "now".

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think there is possibly a way of doing it by levels. Firstly, it may be helpful to rationalise situations like this at a time when you are in a safe place. For example, look at why the customers are irritable (it is usually the product, or system that a customer is annoyed about, not the person that handles their complaint), so although they may direct their irritability at you, it is not an attack on who you are as a person. If there is a fear of physical violence that triggers you, perhaps consider how physically safe you are in these situations etc.

When you can rationalise it in a safe place away from the situation, then perhaps you can set yourself a goal to stay and face the irritable customer for 30 seconds longer than you would have done previously.

But however long you manage to face it for, when you do leave, look to reinforce the positive - if you walked away without after 10 seconds, you can notice that you did manage to walk away, and that nothing terrible has come of it. That way you are reinforcing the positive, and the self-power that you do have. If you walk away and tell yourself that the customer made you feel bad, that you can't cope with it etc, then you are continually reinforcing the negative belief. It's reinforcing those negative thinking styles that does the most damage.

Perhaps it is something that you need to plan for a bit more with your therapist. But I wish you well with it.

 

[Nebulustrix]

The idea behind staying in those tense situations is to create "good" and "safe" memories where you dealt with someone who was angry, irritated, or rude to you and you did not get hurt/traumatized. They did not attack or hit you and you "conquered" in the end. It is a type of exposure therapy - you are forcing yourself to remain exposed to what your mind is telling you to run away from in order to retrain your mind and teach it that you don't really need to run away, that it is okay to stay, that it is okay to argue/defend yourself, and that the angry/irate person is not going to hurt you.

It will only work if you indeed remain in the situation until you "conquer" and the person does not hurt you. The potential for being re-traumatized is in allowing your fear to rule and pull you out of the situation before you have faced it down and created that "safe" memory to overwhelm the traumatic memories from the past and teach your instincts that there is no need to react so strongly to angry customers.