Step daughter - step dad issues

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For those who don't know my daughter who was kidnapped by my abuser many years ago was recently returned to me. For a long time I had to put her out of my mind completely. I have dealt with multiple child loss, infertility etc. I know this sounds cold but after a while I had to put her out of my mind completely or I couldn't function.

Anyway she is home, but severely traumatized. Her and my husband butt heads and he doesn't understand why I always defend her. Yes, she has snapped at him, but he is oblivious to reasons behind it. She has barely opened up to me about her traumas. Outside of the one rape I do know about, violence from her dad and cyberbulling, I get the feeling there's a lot more.

She behaves so much like me at that age, it is really easy to step into her shoes. It's like watching my younger self. My husband just can't relate.

He tried to take the authoritarian approach with her getting mouthy with him, and now she just sees him like someone like her dad.

He is hurt because Sunday I told him to never talk to my daughter like that again. After a bad argument I told him that I will always put her and her needs first. I guess that really stung for him, even though he should understand.

He hasn't snapped out of this pouty funk he has been in since.

I feel like I set them up for a bad relationship. His walls are up, she doesn't like him.

What do I do? All this happened before I could explain to him that she isn't lashing out at him, she is lashing out at the world.

I have told her if she needs someone to lash out at she can. Only now she says it makes her angry because I respond to much like a therapist. Yes, I laughed at that but I also know what I wanted at her age. So how do I fix this.

 

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Anyone, please.

 

[Friday]

Everyone will have a bad day. Will do the wrong thing. Will say the wrong thing. There is no way to be perfect. You’ll f*ck up. He’ll f*ck up. She’ll f*ck up. It’s going to happen. It would happen with a newborn, too, but the two of you would have months of ironing out wrinkles without oversight (and nobody does oversight like a teenager!), and babies do no wrong, so it would only be 2 people learning, not 3.

Add in teenager, add in trauma, add in the exact shades OF those traumas... there is going to be a lot more f*cking up on eveyone’s part, and a lot more stress to be perfect (to make up for lost time, to not cause ANY hurt, to do right by, to... a lot of things).

I think what you’re doing... in seeking specific help for abducted kids & their families? Is exactly the right thing to be doing. The “rule book” is out the window for the 3 of you. Your worlds are all upside down and inside out.

It will be, some days, more painful than when she was gone. You’ll hate yourself for that. Don’t. Or at least try not to. It will feel like one wrong word, or one misstep, and she’ll vanish again. She won’t. The clock isn’t running out. You’ve got time to learn to be a family. Even when it feels like there isn’t any. Breathe. Go easy on yourself. And try to go easy on a brand new dad, too. <<< You’re her mom, and you grok a LOT of where she’s at, so you’ll naturally go easy on her. But while you understand her position, his and yours are new to you. So go easy on you two, too. :)

(((Fadelicious)))

 

[Abstract]

Sounds really hard.

How knowledgeable is he about trauma? Has he not learned a lot because of you? Does he know about your ex? Is there a book you could get or could you take him to a therapy session to discuss this? Its going to have to be him that adjusts to this as she is a traumatised child. Maybe giving him something positive he can do may be a good step. Hopefully the proper formal resources you are looking into will help.

 

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He is pretty knowledgeable about trauma, he knows about the effects of the abuse from her dad has had on me, but I had years to work on things before we got together, I don't think he is taking everything thing into account. There is still a lot of trauma she refuses to talk about.

I do feel fortunate that he had to take a 3 course on recognizing the effects of sexual abuse in teens / sensitivity course for his job this week. He came home saying she was textbook.

He would be willing to go a family counseling session but she isn't willing to go yet.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I would print of symptoms of ptsd... Trauma... Etc etc.... Sometimes reading it is better. I recently did this with my father.. And now he totally understands better. Your daughter is lashing out because a he is man. And b she's been to hell.... And no man right now.... Is going to tell her what to do. I hope it helps....