Supporter Still baffled

[chiara vietto]

In a calm manner, with boundaries, asking for what you need to make this work - and to make it clear...

the national domestic abuse help-line told to record the 'dialogs', just in case. at the beginning I was completely naïve, did know what to do. I would like to repair this relationship, but I don't know how...he is blaming me for things I haven't done and telling I like his parents and it is too late??
Thanks for your help, hopefully I will be able to come out of this mess.. going from a very supportive partner to this mess is very difficult.. for me. I used to be a very strong single woman ..

 

[Justmehere]

Ah, ok. That makes sense. Very understandable. They probably meant record dialogues with you, in the context of physical abuse or threats of physical abuse and fears for safety. Even then, recording someone else without their permission can be a huge problem in states that don’t allow it. Be very careful with this. Call a DV shelter or crisis center in your area of o be sure it’s one to record him without him knowing.

Recording someone’s therapy session without the therapist and him giving permission? Again, it’s very understandable, but a huge invasion of privacy and inappropriate. It’s not something you likely could or should ever use those recordings in court or in a domestic violence proceeding against him. I’d be mortified if someone who went to therapy with me recorded it without my knowing.

Why are you worried for the dog’s safety and yours? Is it the overall lack of mental health and the angry outburst? It’s totally reasonable to be shaken by that.

It’s got to be especially hard when his parents don’t get it. I don’t suggest handing the recordings to them, but maybe he would give permission for his parents and the providers to talk? Then again, it sounds like they are not stand up people and are not likely to listen anyhow.

So sorry for all you are going through. :hug:

 

[chiara vietto]

Sorry, I wasn't clear.. I didn't record therapy sessions, I just reported to my therapists what he was telling me.. and they told me that he didn't seem to make much sense that he was projecting and right now was better to give him space.. and not escalate things. Initially,he was trying to pick up a fight with me and I was calm and he was getting upset that I was calm and calling me crazy. His parents are not use, they are the one sending him into this crisis, the father is in denial of his abusive behavior, and his mother told me tat she doesn't want to talk about it and is to painful for her to think about her past life and why she didn't leave.. but she also thinks that he should get over it and be nice to her...
I talked with his sister and maybe I give her to much info's, but she is nice and she should know that there is hope also for her and she should at least seek help for herself, but she should not blame my partner for wanting to finally distance himself from the abuse..(but she is scared and will not say anything to him or her father). What a mess.. my father was super nice. He was a wwII veteran, if he was still here I will be back with him...and not give a ***.
I am resentful that this all this mess is happening after his passing. When I left home to be with my partner I thought was the right thing to do , I was investing in my future.. now I feel I should have stayed with my father... more. I visited him often, but still.. I feel guilty..
Thanks again for your support and helpful advice..
I am not scare for the dog or me.. I just feel that I am loosing everything I should at least get the dogs...:((

 

[Justmehere]

didn't record therapy sessions, I just reported to my therapists what he was telling me..

Ok, that makes a lot more sense. I’m sorry I didn’t understand clearly.

I’m so sorry for the passing of your father. This is a time to gain support from a partner, and all of this mess with him would understandably bring someone down. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[chiara vietto]

It breaks my heart but I am moving out. Apparently, he still wants me to move out ,but then he keeps delaying coming to an agreement about buying me out of the house. One day he told me that he was fine with my final offer. I told him I don't want to pay too much in legal fees and he counter offer...this was 3 weeks ago..
Then he got mad and call me liar and that I never paid for anything. there is no use showing him the receipt or copy of the checks..he tells me that he doesn't care.
So I decided to move out in anyway, I cannot keep living this way , I am afraid that I will end up losing my job..
When I told that I was moving out he lost it...(he should have been happy??!).
He told not to take anything from the house, otherwise he is going to sue me..
I am will leave some of my stuff here and wait for the settlement..
Thinking that he is back in the grips of his abusive family breaks my heart.
They were always angry that he had us own life and was successful, they did everything in their power to hurt him again ..
I try to call them to say goodbye but the sister didn't not answer the phone.She is happy that we are separating , because she can ask him for money..she is already I'm his will.
I ate them , but I cannot longer save him from them..
He has no friends anymore and nobody that cares for him. :((
Thanks

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so sorry! (((hugs)))

 

[Justmehere]

It stinks it’s come to this. I think you can rest knowing you've done all that you can to make it work. I’m sorry he’s being a jerk about it.

If you leave stuff behind, I would suggest taking photos of what you left behind and the condition you left it in.

 

[chiara vietto]

The lawyer called that he finally agreed to my very generous offer!!
I want to tell him that hope that one day he can tell to his father how much he was hurt by his abuse (instead of going nuts with me).
I hope that he can find the strength to break free from his family (and their abusive way), and work on himself and let people appreciate him for who he is. I also want to tell him that abuse is never okay and he is not his fault for what happened to him.
Given that he is synptomatic with his cptsd at this moment I am not sure if it would be appropriate to tell him that??
Any advice?
Thanks,