Still here, not sure why

[SeekingAfrica]

Catastophozog picks the nightmare option as if a) it’s the ONLY option, but it never is & b) assumes I’m stoooooopid & incapable, which is just insulting. The “and then what?” game lets me take what’s already going on (catastrophizing) and USE it to shift gears, find actual solutions, and break the loop.

I'm struggling seeing other options often, and currently it's worse every day. So far. Even when I know logically it's not.

How do I find money to get home for example if I have used all my loan options, pawn options and I'm not sure if I can make enough by 29th( date to travel to avoid landlord).
Also how do I do any work that would produce results soon after me going home, which I will still need.

 

[Tinyflame]

No doubt a steady guaranteed (even side) income would help @SeekingAfrica .
Can you be honest with your friends and do some paid jobs for them? If not, please ask your parents, from what you've said I don't think they'd say no, get rid of the worry, move and then tackle the bigger picture. A bit of tunnel vision might help.

Also- and I don't blame you if you get angry at the suggestion- but I know at such times I myself need gratitude. Even the smallest thought, anything I can think of to say, out loud esp or to myself. Love eradicates fear, humour scales down some anxiety, gratitude can widen perspective and ease some tension.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

No doubt a steady guaranteed (even side) income would help @SeekingAfrica .
Can you be honest with your friends and do some paid jobs for them? If not, please ask your parents, from what you've said I don't think they'd say no, get rid of the worry, move and then tackle the bigger picture. A bit of tunnel vision might help.

Also- and I don't blame you if you get angry at the suggestion- but I know at such times I myself need gratitude. Even the .

This whole situation is making it really hard for me to work, side or not. I have gotten support from friends last month and I'm not sure what to do. I asked my parents but they will know in 10 days, when it will be too late for another options I have to see what I can do myself. Also the way my parents reacted made me feel like failure and disappointment because I have needed help for a while now.

I am so beyond out of options it's not funny.
It's pathetic. Which makes me feel like I don't deserve help.
But I'm so depressed so the amount of work and preparing I manage is sad.
I honestly feel like drinking til I forget if there was alcohol here or just giving up on everything and that scares me.

Like how many people can help me now?
How pathetic am I to accept and how will I manage to change that in the near future so I am not a burden?

 

[abovedown]

Personally? I find that Sarcasm makes terror infinitely bearable.

Seriously.

Not just because it adds a stroke of funny, but because it requires me to use my brain, and turn the situation on its side, and kick it. It’s a weird sort of way to step away/distance myself whilst still being eyeballs deep in it, that sorta breaks the trauma lock. Very similar to how -when I can’t talk about my own trauma to save my life?- I can talk it up/down/left/sideways to help someone else. For whatever reason? It flanks the issue I’m having.

Alternatively? Diving headfirst into cold water. Or a hot & cold shower. Major sensory disruption. Not grounding, more of a slap in the face, clarifying, short circuiting the anxiety loop. Lacking either? There are weird clusters of nerves in the wrists, and running cold water over them can sooth anxiety in a really weird way. Especially the kind that leaves you feeling like you’re about to puke, but most others as well.

Because catastrophizing? Is at least 2/3s anxiety.

For the 1/3 that’s not? But a lithe imagination? I play the “and then what” game. Which also breaks the loop, by providing actual real solutions to real problems. Yes, those problems are imaginary, but I treat them as if they’re real… instead of the OMFG WHAT IF ITS ABC!!! Loop. OMFG WHAT IF ITS ABC!!! Loop. What ifs are catastrophe food. What if I have cancer? What if I can’t pay my bill? What if I don’t have food? What if, what if, what if………….. and it all just feeds off of itself. Catastophozog picks the nightmare option as if a) it’s the ONLY option, but it never is & b) assumes I’m stoooooopid & incapable, which is just insulting. The “and then what?” game lets me take what’s already going on (catastrophizing) and USE it to shift gears, find actual solutions, and break the loop.

So how do you play this 'an then what' game? Is it like a dialogue with the anxiety like: what if I have cancer -> I go to doctor to get treated -> well what if I need surgery? -> then I will get surgery ->...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So many changes, so much I want to say. I don't know if I'm better but I'm active. I want to reply to specific things that helped but... it's after 8pm and someone thought it's a good time to drill so I need to go distract myself.

 

[abovedown]

So many changes, so much I want to say. I don't know if I'm better but I'm active. I want to reply to specific things that helped but... it's after 8pm and someone thought it's a good time to drill so I need to go distract myself.

I hate when neighbors drill at early morning or late evening

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So, last week before I go home. Last packing, cleaning and all of it.

Due to some help I could by travel ticket. That freed me to think how can I leave another 100 or 200e to the landlord before I go so it's something at least. I managed to borrow 2nd trunk for the trip. I managed to renew my meds which I wasn't sure would happen and its important obviously. I'm trying my best to sell now 1-2 items I would have ditched to make cash. Day 1 was success. Trying to work too but it's hard with travel prep.

At one point I got highly suicidal(shame and guilt about leaving this way) and I'm trying to manage that with being proactive so I can finish all I can this week and get out ASAP. I can deal with feelings once I'm safe. Things are a bit messy for my taste but it's the last week.

Hoping to travel Monday or Tuesday max.

I need to see landlord once today to bring urgent mail, once for last chunk of money and the I go. I dread both of these,especially the second but it is what it is. If she must report me to police after that, a,so can't do much about.

Most of the time I cope better, some of the time I still get panic and migraines and need to take 90min refuge in my dark bedroom. I'm trying, I know this all sounds messy but I'm trying.

 

[abovedown]

So, last week before I go home. Last packing, cleaning and all of it.

Due to some help I could by travel ticket. That freed me to think how can I leave another 100 or 200e to the landlord before I go so it's something at least. I managed to borrow 2nd trunk for the trip. I managed to renew my meds which I wasn't sure would happen and its important obviously. I'm trying my best to sell now 1-2 items I would have ditched to make cash. Day 1 was success. Trying to work too but it's hard with travel prep.

At one point I got highly suicidal(shame and guilt about leaving this way) and I'm trying to manage that with being proactive so I can finish all I can this week and get out ASAP. I can deal with feelings once I'm safe. Things are a bit messy for my taste but it's the last week.

Hoping to travel Monday or Tuesday max.

I need to see landlord once today to bring urgent mail, once for last chunk of money and the I go. I dread both of these,especially the second but it is what it is. If she must report me to police after that, a,so can't do much about.

Most of the time I cope better, some of the time I still get panic and migraines and need to take 90min refuge in my dark bedroom. I'm trying, I know this all sounds messy but I'm trying.

I think you have progressed well! I am proud of you :)

 

[Midnightmoon]

Most of the time I cope better, some of the time I still get panic and migraines and need to take 90min refuge in my dark bedroom. I'm trying, I know this all sounds messy but I'm trying.

Doesn't sound messy, sounds pretty logical! Look at the original post, all the overwhelming panic you were facing in doing this stuff, and now, you've done the stuff! Happy for you that you are on the final stretch with this, you are so nearly there

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you both!! Every word means so much now.

I'm slightly annoyed because ever since I had to visit my landlord to leave some mail (and pretend I'm not leaving the way I will) I've been bad. I slept long and now I'm taking another 2h after lunch for migraine. It's time I Don't have but it's the only thing that will allow me to be productive after.... hopefully. I still have a l9ng way to go with income and with cleaning ... buuut I'm trying and I'm still here.

I swear I react to her like she's a female version of my abuser.

 

[abovedown]

Thank you both!! Every word means so much now.

I'm slightly annoyed because ever since I had to visit my landlord to leave some mail (and pretend I'm not leaving the way I will) I've been bad. I slept long and now I'm taking another 2h after lunch for migraine. It's time I Don't have but it's the only thing that will allow me to be productive after.... hopefully. I still have a l9ng way to go with income and with cleaning ... buuut I'm trying and I'm still here.

I swear I react to her like she's a female version of my abuser.

I have noticed I am more productive if I actually eat lunch in peace without mixing it with work or daily assignments. Seems to help with the anxiety too.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

OK, that mood held me all day. Seeing the landlord is bad for me.

Also the whole apartment is unprepation mode and it's hard to do any job other than selling stuff,and I Don't have that many. Without that last minute things pop up and I can't handle them and I'm scared. Like I'm nit sure how to find enough week only jobs and my favorite reddit and client for that are bothaway exactly not.o e until 25th, one until 27th....

I seriously need help when I get home. I am fragile in ways I didn't expectant that is one of the words I hate.
I Don't want to be like this when I get home....