Stormy Flashback

[Shaan]

I don't know where to start. I feel I am over it. But again I think and don't know how to behave. What I think about may not be a major issue but I think that it is based on how a person thinks that the level of an issue is set. And I think my level is ground. A small incident would trigger a powerful anxiety which would go on for months before it stops. I have a habit of resorting to people I think I am close to when I am beyond my threshold of being able to handle it all by myself but eventually I end up in a horible guilt of discussing it out for the fear that someday they may remind me of it or for the guilt that I have left a horible impression about myself on them.

This particular incident was with a friend at college about 6 years ago. For him he used to get super comfortable as a friend but I on the other hand was a very reserved person. It took me a long time before I could tell him that I wasn't as comfortable as he thought. But eventually I had a crush on him and kinda told him that I did even though I realised he didn't like me. All this was long gone and forgotten and not a soul knew about it until recently. I suddenly got reminded of all the events (mostly bad) about the fact that I was uncomfortable and that I wasn't assertive enough to tell that I was and took so long. I got engaged about a few months back and it all came to me so strong suddenly after 7 months of engagement that I wanted to go and tell it out to my fiance. I was so strong about telling it out that I told my friends the story but in such a way that I now feel guilty about doing so. Now I feel I want to tell my fiance only because now I have opened up the story to others. But I don't want to anymore. But then I feel guilty that I told my friends about something I shouldn't have spoken about. I also fear that now if I don't tell him some one of my friends may remind me of the incident later in the future which may anger him if I tell him then. This entire chapter is bothering me since 3 months and I am not able to get over it. Really need some help out here.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Shaan
What is in the past is there in the past. We bring tons of stories to new relationships. Is it possible to just let this go? Let it stay in the past?

 

[Shaan]

@KwanYingirl I know. I did.Until someone came back and I got reminded of all the events. I only feel guilty because I gave off my friends a little too much detail since I was more than just panicking and couldn't handle it on my own. I don't know if I did the right thing or what. But now I am scared these friends will remind me of it someday and if I didn't tell him by then I will be in big trouble.

 

[Go Hungry]

I know this may sound silly, and probably a bit wrong but.. I find that the last thing any person in a relationship wants to hear about is another relationship. It's done, it's over.. And telling someone about it kinda hints that you still think about that past relationship when you should be focusing on the one you're in now. At least that's how it's been with any girl I was ever involved with. Me mentioning past women made them feel threatened, and ended up being a bad move. Every single time.

I would suggest you just let it go.. Don't worry about what your friends may or may not say. Most likely they are so wrapped up in their own lives they've forgotten you told them. And if they blab, then you'll have your chance to talk about it then. In the meantime though, just put it out of your mind. It really has nothing to do with your current relationship.

 

[Shaan]

@Go Hungry No it ain't wrong. I also would not want to hear from anyone I like if they ever had someone before. Maybe if it was told as a joke I would be all haha about it. But not if it were to be told seriously. Thinking of the same I don't want to bring it out anymore. In fact it never mattered before. Blah I guess I gotta just forget it. I just keep going back into the same loop over and over again. I see my friends who have done bigger shit in life and just don't bother. I wish I was like them.
Do you think if I ever casually bring up the incidents during a conversation within the same context it would be fine?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Shaan
The old relationship happened before you ever met your fiancé, right? It was what it was. A relationship that didn't work out. The details aren't important. Can you help me understand what you feel guilty about? Is it this guilt that is the emotion that is causing your preoccupation about the matter? Is there a connection to your trauma that is intruding on you? I'd like to help you feel safer. Sometimes there are spooky little reminders floating around us but we don't connect the dots. Are you afraid you can't trust your friends to be cool about it and not bring it up? That I can sympathize with!!!! Girls can be catty!!

On the other hand, does your fiancé tell you of his past relationships? It's perfectly ok to have boundaries about your past. It belongs to you. You get to decide what to do with it. Maybe that old relationship didn't get fully processed at the time it happened. That happens to people with PTSD.

If you wouldn't mind, though, I'd like to hear more about your guilty feelings. If it's none of my business I understand.

 

[Shaan]

@KwanYingirl The old relation was more than 6 years back. i met my fiance last year. And it wasn't even a relation. That guy didn't even like me. But it looked like his friendship boundaries itself were quite relaxed! if it was just this I wouldn't even care to tell my fiance. But because eventually I did like him (that's pretty much after telling him that I didn't like how he bahaved) that it is hard for me to tell. Because he would ask me if you didn't like the way he behaved then why did you like him? I would want to say because I told him and he behaved properly after that but even though its the truth I am definite it won't work.

Right now I am guilty that my friends know. Not just know but about the details. Yes one of them knows and I don't bother much because she told me its not important to tell him. The second one knows a bit more and she told me it is important to tell him. But now I don't want to. Before she got married she also shared her stories with me but not in details and now when I told her she kind of hinted to her husband too that I have something I want to tell my fiance. This whole thing is getting onto me.

I haven't seen her in 3 years and I am scared when she turns up for my marriage her face would just remind me of the last story I narrated and lose my peace of mind on my most happiest day. On the other hand because of my peak anxiety the way I narrated to her seemed as though I just could not get over it and I am still living there which is not the case. It's just that I never got reminded of it in the way I did and I started panicking because I was scared if I told my fiance he would leave me. I just want to clarify to her that I'm cool about it. I don't know if that's a good idea now.

It's been 2 months since I told her about it. Now when I did into my depression hole and if I talk to my friends who know I feel guilty that they do. For others I can still tell them I am depressed but not tell them the reason and feel comfortable. I am scared that in another 3 to 4 years they may come back and casually ask (thinking it doesn't bother me anymore) that "hey so did you finally tell him" and what would happen then. I am just getting paranoid with all my thoughts. I feel like calling her up and telling her please don't ever bring it up again. I can trust her on that but I feel even then when I look at her I would feel she knows something about me she shouldn't have and feel guilty.

I'm sorry I can't give you details but right now the fact that I told my friends bothers me more than the actual incident. Because I should not have brought these things up now that I am getting married. I wouldn't feel so bad about telling them if I was still single but I feel guilty that they would always think I don't love my fiance which is not at all the case. I am just pretty messed up. Very messed up. I wish I hadn't spoken to the guy who got me reminded of it!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Shaan
I see. Well, I don't need to know the details, but you deserve to live in peace. It's ruminating in you and if you're anything like me, you're playing out imagined scenarios over and over in order to feel in control and hoping to defuse the whole thing.

What's the worse that can happen? If it ever comes up just tell him it was the past, you learned from the experience and you're so happy to have found your fiancé. The more you try to prepare for what 'might' happen, that's time better spent on feeling good about your life as it is NOW. Guilt implies that you did something wrong and deserve to be punished. That's a wasted emotion. You are commited to your fiancé right?thats all that matters now.

You were much younger then and we all make mistakes. I am concerned that you are eating up on the inside and losing out on feeling secure. Do you have a therapist? If not maybe it's time to find one. With PTSD we have difficulty separating the past from the present. Then it's all just a negative feedback loop.

As for your friends, I hate to say it but you can't control them. You can express your concern and make it clear to them how glad you are to be with a good guy. You know? Just focus on today June 13, 2014. Look at your head and your feet are they in the same place?

 

[Shaan]

@KwanYingirl You are right. I play out imagined scenarios that didn't even exist. And that's what I told my friends too. I have this funny habit of blaming myself for things that I haven't done by defending the other person who may have done wrong to me. I have always been like this and I need to change. I was once kind of molested by a tailor but I tried to defend him in my mind saying maybe he didn't intend to but it just happened until I told my friends and they told me "girl! he intended and you got to fight for it!" this was kind of the same scenario but on a lower scale plus because he was my friend I was more adamant that he definitely doesn't intend anything wrong. Yes I did meet with a psychiatrist and he gave me some pills but I would rather have gone for talk therapy. I went back to him again saying I didn't want to take pills but wanted to talk and he asked me to go to a councellor if I wanted to spend time talking rather than fixing my problem with pills. He was of help in making me realise it wasn't my fault but I should have been more assertive but that's about it.

My only problem now is. Everytime I finally sober down thinking there is nothing much to talk about or tell him I remember that my friends now know and the one who I am scared about has misinterpreted it and I feel guilty because now I feel she thinks I did wrong.

I just keep praying that I forget it and so do my friends.

I wish I could juat speak out and get it over with :cry: I like my fiance a lot and don't want to intentionally hide anything from him :(

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well now what? Are you feeling better now that you've shared your concerns? Maybe search the site for guilt. I think this is rearing it's head because you do it with people in your past that didn't deserve your pity. Molesting is a crime that guy should be in jail. You are the victim and do not do that guy a favor by feeling sorry for him. I'd like to punch him for you. What's missing for you is closure about the old relationship .

I can't advise on that since it's something I don't do. I hold onto old crap that is a big waste.

What would it be like to tell your fiancé the story? Would he listen and comfort you because it is very stressful for you? Are you afraid he won't love you any more? Closure would put the whole thing to rest and then freedom for you!!

 

[Shaan]

@KwanYingirl I am afraid that I may not be able to put in everythin in this relation if I keep remembering stressful situations. I am afraid he will not have a problem even if I tell him but that it will hurt him. And everytime I talk to him I would have another set of new thoughts that maybe its affecting him and again I won't be happy because he won't (or at least I would be thinking that he isn't)

You know what? I think I will just close it once and for all. In my mind I mean. I had closed it. Unfortunately it opened up again. Maybe for the good. It's good that I went through the anxiety now before I could enter my new relation fully. I just keep telling myself it is for the good. I hope it is.

Thank you so much for conversing with me. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk things out with. I know I am still having a whirlpool of thoughts in there but I think I will try to concentrate on the positive. If I have to say it I will. If I don't I won't. Easy to say these words :wideeyed:

 

[KwanYingirl]

So glad if I could be of help to you! Think positive