At 14, I was placed in Straight Inc. January 21st 1978.
I had smoked Pot. I had drank Alcohol. (Less than an ounce of Pot, Less than a gallon of Alcohol)
I was in Straight Inc. for 3 years.
It is difficult to fully explain Straight Inc. (Google it)
By definition, Straight Inc was Drug Rehabilitation Center. In reality, Straight Inc was an abusive Mind Rape Mill. As Brainwashing is a term most often used, but in many circles, the term is poo-poo'd as non scientific and dismissed. But techniques used, illustrate Brainwashing. Those include:
(Just to name a few)
At the heart of "the program" were 7 Steps (a bastardized vision of Alcoholics Anonymous's 12 Steps). These 7 Steps eventually where changed to follow the 12 Steps.
At the time of my incarceration there were no "Professionals", no one had a degree, no one had any paperwork that showed any type of credentials. Essentially, "The Staff" consisted of individuals who had completed "the program"...these Staff Member's were mostly adolescents themselves in charge of 350 other adolescents ranging from 12-18 (later adults as old as 23 where admitted)
A typical day was 12 hours (9am-9pm...6 days a week...Sunday 12pm-9pm).
There were "5 phases":
"The Building": I was in a total of three "Buildings" which were always free standing buildings. Each was a warehouse, with no air conditioning, no heat. Bare concrete floors, bare concrete walls (with the exception of posters of "The Steps" and various "Slogans"
The day consisted of mostly "Raps" which were 2 hours long. The Raps while sounding innocuous, were often brutal assaults on individuals. If one was thought to be less than truthful, they were "Confronted" swiftly and mercilessly. This "Confrontation" would last 30 minutes but would often consume the bulk of the two hour Rap. The "Confrontation" came from members of "The Group" (other teens) Screaming Obscenities, belittling, humiliating, threatening, and intimidation was the rule. The result (more often than not) was Forced Confession. "The Lesson" learned....Honesty (The First and Most Important Rule) was in fact, Dishonesty. The more horrid the story, the better. The harder you Confronted another, the better. "The more you kill them, the more their dead".
Once "The Confrontation" was over, compulsively "The Group" would bellow: "WE LOVE YOU". The message: Love is raking someone over the coals, brutally.
In between the Raps we were to sing "The Songs".
"The Songs" were simply to keep our minds mush. We had to not only sing the songs, there were required hand motions. "The Songs" were sang at the top of our lungs. Imagine, being severely confronted called every name in the book, being spit on, humiliated, reduced to a trembling shell of a being.....and then being forced to sing Zippty Do Da, like your life depended on it.
There were "Rule Raps", we were required to recite each and every rule, which began with "The First and Most Important Rule" and continued to the most recently added "Rule". Rules were added almost weekly, Rules were never relaxed or abolished. The result, an increasingly restrictive environment, increasingly hostile environment and without surprise, an increasingly violent environment.
Every Monday and Friday there was an "Open Meeting".
The "Open Meeting" was an opportunity for Parents and Siblings to enter the building. These OM's began at 6pm and lasted until it was done. Often these meetings ended at 11pm or 12am, followed by an :Open Meeting Review", which always consisted of "Confrontations" and no less than 2 hours, often 3-4 hours. Only to return to "The Building" at 9am the following day.
It would take me days of typing to effectively convey the Straight Inc experience. As I type, I am numbed by the experience and the explanation feels futile in nature. Who would understand this experience? Another individual that Survived the experience! Well, this sounds good in theory and although it is true in part....it is very difficult to seek support in my Survivor Community.
Yes, I have been active in my Survivor Community some 14 years now. It is very much a love/hate interaction. If looked at, it is not difficult to understand why this is true. We were taught, trained to destroy one another. While it is also true there is a lot of understanding, when tensions get high, we often revert to what we were taught. Attack, or Perceived Attack evokes such a RAGE which can often last for days, if not weeks. As soon as the RAGE settles, there is a few moments of calm and the RAGE rears it's ugly head once again. This is not only probable, but predictable.
It is difficult to separate myself from my Survivor Community. And the reason is clear, if only to me. The Straight Inc Experience is so convoluted, so bizarre only those who experienced it can fully understand. Who doesn't want to be around people who understand? In the same breath, who wants to be around their abusers? Then consider, who wants to be around those they themselves may have abused? Yes, we abused each other. I am not only a Survivor of Abuse, I am responsible for Abuse.
I am not a victim of a one time incident. I was not raped, I was not a victim of a fire, auto accident or any other one time trauma. I am a victim/abuser of a systematic MIND F@CK..
I was diagnosed several years ago with Explosive Temper Disorder. While it is true I have an Explosive Temper, it is not a disorder. I failed to divulge my history. I do not, as a rule discuss my history with anyone, other than my mate. Chiefly, because of the trigger words the well intentioned say, IE: "Get Over It", "You probably needed/deserved it" etc. If I have not received that response, I can see the look of disbelief in thier eyes, looking at me as if I have three heads. Having since explained my history to health professionals, because Straight Inc was a "drug rehabilitation center", the label of drug addict or alcoholic is cast on me. I am neither.
Group Therapy is a dismal failure, as it echoes my past experience and I feel as tho I will come out of my skin. Do not block the exits!
Eventually, I was properly diagnosed about 5 years ago. Therapy has been tedious, as trust is an issue. The guise of treatment is always at the forefront of my mind.
I moved just over a year ago. The change couldn't have been a better choice. I lived over 34 years just miles from the same warehouses that confined me. I saw the people who ran the facilitiy and reminders daily. I protested my abuser many times in public hearings, formal protest infront of ones house (many times) and even a hunger strike just before my move to the Atlanta area.
Just shortly after moving here, I suffered a massive heart attack at 49 years old,the following day, they performed an Triple Bypass (Open Heart) surgery. To say this has been a rough year would be an understatement. Kept horizontal from pain and fatigue Post OP and since unable to work...my symptoms have escalated. I am reclusive. If my house is not on fire, I really see no good reason to leave the confines of my home. People no longer trigger me, as I avoid them at all costs. When I do venture into the world, I avoid all eye contact, refuse to initiate conversation. My RAGE is unpredictable.....and there is an impending sense of emptiness, a numbing that is almost constantly with me. I no longer have nightmares, but night terrors....
I no longer work. My last employment application sent me into a full blown panic attack. Subsequent efforts to file for disability almost landed me in the hospital. Any serious dealings with the human race is avoided at all times. If those near and dear to me want to see me, they come here. I do not use the phone, nor will I answer it. Although I do not actually feel depressed, if I were watched by a camera, I would certainly look depressed.
I have in the past 2 months once again sought professional help. The symptoms were just to over powering. I was lucky/fortunate to receive a therapist via the county mental health agency. She is a trauma specialist and seems to be very sharp. Which is important to me. If pressed, and one is not sharp/blunt, I will dance around the subject and evade any thing too close to home. She is non threatening, non judgmental and she actually took the time to investigate Straight Inc. She is a trained practitioner of EMDR, which I have experienced before with tremendous results. She does however speculate that EMDR may not be the best course of action, as there is not one incident....but 3 years of intensive abuse. She asked me last visit to consider what I would be like if all symptoms were removed, to remember them, but to not be affected the way I have for past 35 years.......I am truly stumped. I do not know what my life was like prior to my symptoms. It is such a surreal feeling to go thru life without dreams, hopes or aspirations.....If I had dreams hopes, aspirations....I wouldnt begin to know how to achieve them. I simply only know how to exist, to survive......I would have no clue as to how to actually thrive.
I am not without promise. Color has come into my life, again! 15 years ago, I met a woman who I could not shake out of my mind. There is/was such an uncanny sense about this woman. I never forgot her. Our initial meeting was short, but intense. She was married at the time, and we, out of necessity had to go our own way. Although excruciatingly difficult, I continued and did best I could. My life was grey.
She is now actively involved in my life! With her, a life once devoid of color is no resplendent with all hues and brilliance of a rainbow. She is fully aware of my history. She voiced an understanding and now that we have been together, for a lil over a year, she has experienced my symptoms first hand. PTSD never really goes to sleep, een when in love.She is an therapist herself, but because of our closeness, we elected to seek counsel outside our relationship. She simply loves me...that is something totally new to me. I once asked a friend what I should do about her....the reply was simply...."Let her love you". This has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.
My life is now full...but congested. I come to this site looking for a refuge. I dont know that I am looking for answers or anything monumental. Just simply a reprieve from the hauntings of my history. Yes, I have a Survivor Community, that oddly, I hold near and dear....but I need fresh insights. I have read this site for sometime without actually "joining"....I find it refreshing and almost all encompassing. The after taste of my experience is not embedded in this community as it is with my Survivor Community. I am, dare I say, hopeful.
If you have read this far, and followed my choppy introduction, I would like to thank you for your time and your interests! I wish you all....
Much Peace
Woof
I had smoked Pot. I had drank Alcohol. (Less than an ounce of Pot, Less than a gallon of Alcohol)
I was in Straight Inc. for 3 years.
It is difficult to fully explain Straight Inc. (Google it)
By definition, Straight Inc was Drug Rehabilitation Center. In reality, Straight Inc was an abusive Mind Rape Mill. As Brainwashing is a term most often used, but in many circles, the term is poo-poo'd as non scientific and dismissed. But techniques used, illustrate Brainwashing. Those include:
- Extreme Confrontation
- Sleep Deprivation
- Social Isolation
- Coerced Confession (usually false)
- Intimidation
- Malnutrition
- Physical Abuse
- Constant Fear Based Motivation
- Humiliation
- Spit Therapy
- Marathoning (4-5 people screaming at you in shifts for hours, days at a time)
(Just to name a few)
At the heart of "the program" were 7 Steps (a bastardized vision of Alcoholics Anonymous's 12 Steps). These 7 Steps eventually where changed to follow the 12 Steps.
At the time of my incarceration there were no "Professionals", no one had a degree, no one had any paperwork that showed any type of credentials. Essentially, "The Staff" consisted of individuals who had completed "the program"...these Staff Member's were mostly adolescents themselves in charge of 350 other adolescents ranging from 12-18 (later adults as old as 23 where admitted)
A typical day was 12 hours (9am-9pm...6 days a week...Sunday 12pm-9pm).
There were "5 phases":
- 1st Phase
Away from home. In a "Host Home", with an "Oldcomer" and their family. In theory, this "phase" could be done in 14 days. I was on this phase for over 11 months.
- 2nd Phase
Return home, but returning to "The Building" daily (9am-9pm) At this point, "Newcomers" were brought into the house hold, as it was now a Host Home. 1-2 Newcomers was not uncommon. BUt often there were as many as 4-6
- 3rd Phase
Return to School. Immediately after school, back to The Building until 9pm. Newcomers, still were the Oldcomers "Responsibility" - 4th Phase
On this Phase we were given one day off, allowed to socialize (with 72 hours written request) and then only by "Permission" and only with other "Straightlings" (No Guy/Girl interaction) Other wise, if not in School, or on a "Permission" the expectation was to be at The Building after school until 9pm - 5th PhaseAll the above (2 phase-4th phase) remained with two exceptions. 2 days off and a position of some authority. Which consisted of standing around "The Group" Allowing or Denying individuals to use bathroom, keeping people awake. and passing requests up "The Chain of Command".
"The Building": I was in a total of three "Buildings" which were always free standing buildings. Each was a warehouse, with no air conditioning, no heat. Bare concrete floors, bare concrete walls (with the exception of posters of "The Steps" and various "Slogans"
The day consisted of mostly "Raps" which were 2 hours long. The Raps while sounding innocuous, were often brutal assaults on individuals. If one was thought to be less than truthful, they were "Confronted" swiftly and mercilessly. This "Confrontation" would last 30 minutes but would often consume the bulk of the two hour Rap. The "Confrontation" came from members of "The Group" (other teens) Screaming Obscenities, belittling, humiliating, threatening, and intimidation was the rule. The result (more often than not) was Forced Confession. "The Lesson" learned....Honesty (The First and Most Important Rule) was in fact, Dishonesty. The more horrid the story, the better. The harder you Confronted another, the better. "The more you kill them, the more their dead".
Once "The Confrontation" was over, compulsively "The Group" would bellow: "WE LOVE YOU". The message: Love is raking someone over the coals, brutally.
In between the Raps we were to sing "The Songs".
"The Songs" were simply to keep our minds mush. We had to not only sing the songs, there were required hand motions. "The Songs" were sang at the top of our lungs. Imagine, being severely confronted called every name in the book, being spit on, humiliated, reduced to a trembling shell of a being.....and then being forced to sing Zippty Do Da, like your life depended on it.
There were "Rule Raps", we were required to recite each and every rule, which began with "The First and Most Important Rule" and continued to the most recently added "Rule". Rules were added almost weekly, Rules were never relaxed or abolished. The result, an increasingly restrictive environment, increasingly hostile environment and without surprise, an increasingly violent environment.
Every Monday and Friday there was an "Open Meeting".
The "Open Meeting" was an opportunity for Parents and Siblings to enter the building. These OM's began at 6pm and lasted until it was done. Often these meetings ended at 11pm or 12am, followed by an :Open Meeting Review", which always consisted of "Confrontations" and no less than 2 hours, often 3-4 hours. Only to return to "The Building" at 9am the following day.
It would take me days of typing to effectively convey the Straight Inc experience. As I type, I am numbed by the experience and the explanation feels futile in nature. Who would understand this experience? Another individual that Survived the experience! Well, this sounds good in theory and although it is true in part....it is very difficult to seek support in my Survivor Community.
Yes, I have been active in my Survivor Community some 14 years now. It is very much a love/hate interaction. If looked at, it is not difficult to understand why this is true. We were taught, trained to destroy one another. While it is also true there is a lot of understanding, when tensions get high, we often revert to what we were taught. Attack, or Perceived Attack evokes such a RAGE which can often last for days, if not weeks. As soon as the RAGE settles, there is a few moments of calm and the RAGE rears it's ugly head once again. This is not only probable, but predictable.
It is difficult to separate myself from my Survivor Community. And the reason is clear, if only to me. The Straight Inc Experience is so convoluted, so bizarre only those who experienced it can fully understand. Who doesn't want to be around people who understand? In the same breath, who wants to be around their abusers? Then consider, who wants to be around those they themselves may have abused? Yes, we abused each other. I am not only a Survivor of Abuse, I am responsible for Abuse.
I am not a victim of a one time incident. I was not raped, I was not a victim of a fire, auto accident or any other one time trauma. I am a victim/abuser of a systematic MIND F@CK..
I was diagnosed several years ago with Explosive Temper Disorder. While it is true I have an Explosive Temper, it is not a disorder. I failed to divulge my history. I do not, as a rule discuss my history with anyone, other than my mate. Chiefly, because of the trigger words the well intentioned say, IE: "Get Over It", "You probably needed/deserved it" etc. If I have not received that response, I can see the look of disbelief in thier eyes, looking at me as if I have three heads. Having since explained my history to health professionals, because Straight Inc was a "drug rehabilitation center", the label of drug addict or alcoholic is cast on me. I am neither.
Group Therapy is a dismal failure, as it echoes my past experience and I feel as tho I will come out of my skin. Do not block the exits!
Eventually, I was properly diagnosed about 5 years ago. Therapy has been tedious, as trust is an issue. The guise of treatment is always at the forefront of my mind.
I moved just over a year ago. The change couldn't have been a better choice. I lived over 34 years just miles from the same warehouses that confined me. I saw the people who ran the facilitiy and reminders daily. I protested my abuser many times in public hearings, formal protest infront of ones house (many times) and even a hunger strike just before my move to the Atlanta area.
Just shortly after moving here, I suffered a massive heart attack at 49 years old,the following day, they performed an Triple Bypass (Open Heart) surgery. To say this has been a rough year would be an understatement. Kept horizontal from pain and fatigue Post OP and since unable to work...my symptoms have escalated. I am reclusive. If my house is not on fire, I really see no good reason to leave the confines of my home. People no longer trigger me, as I avoid them at all costs. When I do venture into the world, I avoid all eye contact, refuse to initiate conversation. My RAGE is unpredictable.....and there is an impending sense of emptiness, a numbing that is almost constantly with me. I no longer have nightmares, but night terrors....
I no longer work. My last employment application sent me into a full blown panic attack. Subsequent efforts to file for disability almost landed me in the hospital. Any serious dealings with the human race is avoided at all times. If those near and dear to me want to see me, they come here. I do not use the phone, nor will I answer it. Although I do not actually feel depressed, if I were watched by a camera, I would certainly look depressed.
I have in the past 2 months once again sought professional help. The symptoms were just to over powering. I was lucky/fortunate to receive a therapist via the county mental health agency. She is a trauma specialist and seems to be very sharp. Which is important to me. If pressed, and one is not sharp/blunt, I will dance around the subject and evade any thing too close to home. She is non threatening, non judgmental and she actually took the time to investigate Straight Inc. She is a trained practitioner of EMDR, which I have experienced before with tremendous results. She does however speculate that EMDR may not be the best course of action, as there is not one incident....but 3 years of intensive abuse. She asked me last visit to consider what I would be like if all symptoms were removed, to remember them, but to not be affected the way I have for past 35 years.......I am truly stumped. I do not know what my life was like prior to my symptoms. It is such a surreal feeling to go thru life without dreams, hopes or aspirations.....If I had dreams hopes, aspirations....I wouldnt begin to know how to achieve them. I simply only know how to exist, to survive......I would have no clue as to how to actually thrive.
I am not without promise. Color has come into my life, again! 15 years ago, I met a woman who I could not shake out of my mind. There is/was such an uncanny sense about this woman. I never forgot her. Our initial meeting was short, but intense. She was married at the time, and we, out of necessity had to go our own way. Although excruciatingly difficult, I continued and did best I could. My life was grey.
She is now actively involved in my life! With her, a life once devoid of color is no resplendent with all hues and brilliance of a rainbow. She is fully aware of my history. She voiced an understanding and now that we have been together, for a lil over a year, she has experienced my symptoms first hand. PTSD never really goes to sleep, een when in love.She is an therapist herself, but because of our closeness, we elected to seek counsel outside our relationship. She simply loves me...that is something totally new to me. I once asked a friend what I should do about her....the reply was simply...."Let her love you". This has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.
My life is now full...but congested. I come to this site looking for a refuge. I dont know that I am looking for answers or anything monumental. Just simply a reprieve from the hauntings of my history. Yes, I have a Survivor Community, that oddly, I hold near and dear....but I need fresh insights. I have read this site for sometime without actually "joining"....I find it refreshing and almost all encompassing. The after taste of my experience is not embedded in this community as it is with my Survivor Community. I am, dare I say, hopeful.
If you have read this far, and followed my choppy introduction, I would like to thank you for your time and your interests! I wish you all....
Much Peace
Woof
