Strange realisation about my trauma and choice/ non-choice, being active/ passive

Ecdysis

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I was looking at some photos today and had a strange realisation...

For me, all my childhood trauma was stuff I didn't have a choice in and stuff that I fought back against, even if that meant copping more punishment...

And I became a really independent adult... who went out of her way to make her own choices in life... to choose her path in life...

And I realised today, in my head, that seems to equate to "Any trauma that happened is my fault, because I actively, purposely, stubbornly picked/ chose the circumstances that led to it"

Which I know isn't true. But my brain doesn't seem to care. It's just this constant mantra of "YOU chose all of this YOURSELF so it's all YOUR fault"
 
great epitome, skin shedder. may it lead you healing places.
YOU chose all of this YOURSELF so it's all YOUR fault
that particular self-shaming -nearly verbatim-- proved especially therapy resistant until i started coming at it from the sporting angle. the blame game is a globally popular sport. when i can resist the urge to play --even on elected officials-- it becomes much easier to resist the urge to blame myself. when i point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointed back at me. when i start self-shaming, it feels like more than three fingers pointed back at me.
 
"YOU chose all of this YOURSELF so it's all YOUR fault"
Argh, that awful mantra. Because we can find so so so many examples to prove this mantra right!
But it's wrong.

What's worked with changing other core beliefs and can you use it for this one?

One of the things that worked for me was imagining what happened to me happening to some random made up child. And when I did that, I could have compassion and not blame that other child. So that confronted my notion about myself. Took a while to believe this and it wasn't first go. But when I was able to connect to the sadness of what that made up child went through, and carried it over to me, that's when the dots joined up.

And yep, hyperindependence is a classic trauma response.
 
I could have compassion and not blame that other child.
Unlike so many here, I've always been able to have a ton of compassion for my inner kid for what happened during childhood trauma. I feel so blessed that that particular aspect wasn't broken in me during childhood and have so, so, so much compassion for everyone for who it was and who struggles/ struggled to find that.

For me, the self-compassion didn't break until the adult trauma happened... Which is when I was making basically ALL my choices, hyper-independently, as you say, as a PTSD response... And MY choices are what, in a round about way, along a long chain of events, led to the trauma.

As a random metaphor: Sort of like deciding to buy my own car, despite everyone telling me not to and then 5 years later having an accident where someone slams into my car and I end up in a wheelchair... So my brain's like "Yah you bleep-bleep-bleep-expletive, cos you're so stubborn and bought that car and refused to listen to what everyone else said, that's why you're in a wheelchair now. You always think you know best and all you did with your decisions was create trauma and damage and it serves you right."

Totally non-logical but my conviction rate is almost 100%. I guess I'd say it's 99% because there's this remnant 1% part of my brain that can tell it's a) a classic trauma response, b) logically it's bullshit, c) I see other people doing this self-blame thing to themselves with trauma and d) I have compassion for them and know it's a fallacy in their case so theoretically it probably might be in mine too... It's just that 1% feels like "nothing" emotionally....

ETA:

Ugh........... Tears now.... I just realised something... You know that bullshit many of us girls were taught that "Independent women will get punished" ? That girls are meant to shut up and be seen and not heard? And that if you're freewilled as a girl, someone will come and put you in your place? And if you're a strong, independent woman, you'll be labelled a b*tch and a sl*t and whatnot? Yeah... that... It feels like punishment for choosing to be strong and independent as a woman... To break out of the mold that society thinks I should be in as a woman... Be a "good girl". Don't reach for your dreams, don't be audacious, don't say "no", don't own your own destiny, don't trust your instincts, don't try stuff out, don't take risks, don't be yourself fully.... Else you will pay the price..."
 
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That is a tremendous knee-jerk / coping mechanism / CDCB of my own. x50 for the first six months or so following any kind of victim trauma, or helplessness. I throw myself into my life, and making choices, exercising/training/refining my judgement, taking action, learning/relearning to trust myself, etc., etc.. So it’s not entirely a bad thing. There’s maybe 33% that is totally positive. 33% blinding. 33% f*cked up.

The remaining last little percentile? I’d have to call the feather that tips the scales away from depression. As in, when I have deliberately blocked doing this in my life, instead of spending 6months or so completely driven (far beyond what is healthy), I end up spending 6mo or so faceplanted. I’m still attempting to work out a way to keep what I like, and what works, about this… and to kick to the curb what I don’t. All or nothing? Doesn’t work. I have even worse results in my life disavowing it, than I do dealing with the consequences of it. Still bobbing & weaving, though. I’ll find a way through, one of these days.

It also dovetails with the core belief that “If it’s my fault? I can fix it.” (Or at least do something about it.)
 
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We're you groomed into the adult trauma?
Yes and no. The bit of the adult trauma that broke my brain, yes, groomed into it.

But there have also been so many deaths, accidents, illnesses, injuries, losses, crises... That are just "normal life trauma"... And they arose in the course of stuff I'd decided to do, like the buying-a-car example above...
 

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