Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

I feel good again today. WTF??!!:wideeyed::woot:
This is cool!
Am trying to acknowledge that it will shift and change as the day goes by as it always does.
Trying to balance the revved/good feeling so I don't go over the top, then crash which is my usual M.O.

Success so far. Took daughter out and decided to do one errand only, not try to do the vegetables too. We went to the pet store to by food for my fish, Muse, and a new house for her gerbil (who has eaten through two in two months). Looked at kitties for adoption. We're getting close to that. It has been a long time with no kitty. My husband needs one. I'm scared of the stress it will cause with the dog. I want to find a kitty who is used to dogs. Sigh. Good luck with that.

Now I am going to do my chakra clearing and meditation, and sleep before the family dinner with my uncle and in-laws tonight. This is good. This is what I need to do for myself...rest and get my batteries charged up. My throat chakra opened a little this morning. Cool. I felt it/sensed it. I don't know what this means quite yet, but it is good. I have been working on this. All this practice stuff seems to be giving me a little traction finally. I told my therapist it feels like when you're switching gears on the bike and the chain slips off and you're pedaling like mad and going nowhere, then suddenly the gear engages again. Ah, yet another tortured analogy. I think he is not a cyclist because he looked at me and nodded in happiness but utter incomprehension. :roflmao:.

Maybe more lines of my new poem will come to me today. I hope so. I have a good feeling about it.

I just ordered a new tent, a camp cot, and a hammock:wideeyed::woot::):):):):). I am excited. It is utterly irresponsible of me to do this. We have no $. But we never ever have any money. We just have less now. And I never buy things for myself without torturing myself and sucking all the joy out of it. Not today. I am excited. I am happy. I am hopeful.

I wish I could bottle this elixir to sip on later. I know later this will seem as utterly unreal as this current happy state seems when I am inside the vortex. But part of the "practice" is getting used to this ebb and flow. Trying to balance it so it doesn't get extreme. So. Off to rest instead of doing the 8 other things I'm excited about doing and that are percolating in my brain but for which I do not have enough energy.

 

[Hope4Now]

Total f*ckING meltdown.
Should have predicted it was coming.
Shit.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am okay now. Kind of exhausted, but just spent 4 hours in the sun and feeling a little clearer. Now a nap.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am still trying to "sit" with what happened to me last night.
I had a good day yesterday. Happy-ish again. Working on staying balanced. Not overdoing just because I felt good.
At in-laws for dinner. Not sure what happened but suddenly overtaken with compulsive desire to hurt myself. Gave in, to some extent...very, very minor. Then stopped. Then had this really nice interaction in the hallway with my daughter and her grandmother (my mother-in-law). It was lovely. It was like it is supposed to be in families I think. And it kind of devastated me at the same time as I was so grateful for it. Very, very hard. I'm still trying to sort out WHY it was so hard. It was a nice night. My uncle and my father-in-law were happily ensconced in conversation. My husband and my son were doing dishes. All was well.

Walked home (they live only a block away). I'm slow, so everyone else got into the house before me. When I came in, Uncle and husband were listening to the 6 messages from my mother on the answering machine. (My uncle is her younger brother...82). I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly my husband started flipping out on my uncle. I think husband's stress cup was full.

And I was not my NOW self anymore. I was in the middle. Stuck. Trapped. Trying to make everyone happy and failing miserably. Wanting to take care of my husband, wanting to take care of my uncle, freaked by the argument, nervous about what my kids were witnessing. End of the world. That's what it felt like. My energy was being annihilated in its hopeless attempts to make peace. This. This silly stupid argument. But it wasn't silly or stupid to me. It was life or death.

I went upstairs to escape it. Told the kids to go to bed. Went to my little office-space. I don't remember exactly what happened then, but I think I was rocking with my arms around my head saying "no..." Crazy stuff. Then my husband was there. Kneeling on the floor and holding me. I was crying like a little child. I DON"T DO THIS. Then my uncle was there. I was horrified in some part of myself. Saw what was happening. Horrified that I was losing my cool in front of people. In front of him. In front of my husband. But I couldn't stop.

Husband was saying to uncle, "See. Welcome to our life. This is what it's like. You come breezing in..." etc. Not nice. That made it worse.

It went on and f*cking on. Finally I got it together enough to go to the bathroom. Left them there talking to each other. I think, maybe, my uncle suddenly saw that this stuff I'm dealing with is real. That maybe he has underestimated the effect his sister has had on me all these years. He is a kind man. A counselor and priest. But a perfectionist and tough too. He is like my second father. I am still horrified that I lost it in front of him. He is very sweet though. Says this is human. This is just being a human being. This confuses me terribly. I am NOT ALLOWED to lose it like this.

But I did lose it. And it was okay. Horrible, but okay. I am still here. I had bad body flashbacks in the night. But I am still here. Tired. Sort of scoured out. But still here. It passed.

This is what it is like. I have been talking to myself all day about this. This is real. This is me. I have these parts of me that take over. Sometimes I can manage them nicely. Sometimes not so nicely (working on that). But they are all me. I continue to find this very, very difficult to believe.

When I'm "in a part" it feels like that is the only reality even though some observing part of me recognizes what is happening.

So. Normal day today. Went to beach with daughter and in-laws. Got lots of sun. Good stuff but sunburned. Came home and slept. Ate goldfish and broccoli for dinner. Ditched my husband and friends who all went to see the new Mad Max movie. Stayed home with my daughter and watched Bridget Jones's Diary. Loved it. Never saw it. I love Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant looks like one of my old boyfriends (My daughter says, "Really? Why did you break up then????!!! LOL!) I told her he was 6'7" to my 5'4" and it was too hard to dance. LOL. Then, sat out on the bricks with my uncle and talked about my crazy mother and what to do about her.

Still reeling a bit from last night's takeover. Cuz it was a big one. I've had a few of these over the past 18 months and they freak me out. There's no fooling myself that I was in any sort of control. Not. My arm is all bruised and scratched up. Not bad. (Uh, yeah, I was working in the garden will suffice). It reminds me that last night was real. I think that's part of it. I need the physical reminders that all this batshit crazy stuff is actually happening in the bodymind called "me."

Now I will go to bed. Husband not back yet from Mad Max. I should have gone with them. Cool night. How often do 5 couples get together to go to the movies? And these are friends. Oh, well. I am a loser. I didn't think I could take on all the socializing and all the explosions in the film. Oh well.

Time for bed.

 

[shimmerz]

And it kind of devastated me at the same time as I was so grateful for it. Very, very hard. I'm still trying to sort out WHY it was so hard.

Because it is letting you see what you have missed all of these years? Contrast, especially when being thrust into it, can make a 'part' suddenly appear and it is too quick for adjustment....blindsided. Maybe?

When I came in, Uncle and husband were listening to the 6 messages from my mother on the answering machine.

BAM! From safety to..... ?

I was in the middle. Stuck. Trapped. Trying to make everyone happy

Which was your job at one time but not now. THENNOW. I am guessing your uncle, at 82 years old knows how to handle himself. Sounds like a protector of people part appearing. I am finding more and more that this rarely works out well.

My energy was being annihilated in its hopeless attempts to make peace. This. This silly stupid argument. But it wasn't silly or stupid to me. It was life or death.

You poor thing. :hug::hug:'s my sweet Hope. Truly. So many hugs to you.

I DON"T DO THIS.

Yes you do. Just not generally in front of an audience. You are attempting to maintain the 'lie' that all is well. It is not my friend, and that is okay and your uncle was so wonderful in reminding you of your humanity, which does, in fact, exist whether you are rocking and repeating 'no' or not. That is, in fact your humanity. This was a gift from him to you. Acceptance. He sounds like a really good man.

That maybe he has underestimated the effect his sister has had on me all these years.

Or maybe not. He has dealt with her a lot longer than you have. He may know more than you think.

This confuses me terribly. I am NOT ALLOWED to lose it like this.

Who said this? This isn't a thought that we are born with imho. This is our humanness. Hmmmm, your humanness is where your SELF resides imho. Deny your humanness and we have a harder time getting to our SELVES. *look at the pot calling the kettle black here*. lol.

But I did lose it. And it was okay. Horrible, but okay. I am still here. I had bad body flashbacks in the night. But I am still here. Tired. Sort of scoured out. But still here. It passed.

And you were not annihilated. It felt like you would be, but you were not. You have no image to uphold with 'real' people hon. This may be a good anchor for you.

Ate goldfish and broccoli for dinner.

Goldfish? Ewwwww! We flush dead goldfish down the toilet in these here areas!

But they are all me.

No, they are all a 'part' of you. An aspect. A wounded bit of you that you can work with like playdough. And thank the 'universe' :arghh;:whistling: (can't believe I actually SAID that), for the people (well the ones that don't call 100 times a day) for supporting your humanness in all of this.

Then, sat out on the bricks with my uncle and talked about my crazy mother and what to do about her.

Did you guys come up with anything? Validation? Plans?

There's no fooling myself that I was in any sort of control. Not.

Yes. I get this. Very very scary these takeovers. Love you hon. Walking with you.

Ignore if this sounds preachy. I don't mean to be but I feel like sometimes I come off that way. These are just my perceptions. Not necessarily true. Except for the humanness part. I stand by that one. Coming out of the closet around safe people is not a bad thing.

 

[Pietro]

Oh, well. I am a loser.

Nope, this is false. Quite the opposite. For reasons too many to enumerate.

Says this is human. This is just being a human being. This confuses me terribly. I am NOT ALLOWED to lose it like this.

He's right. And it's just fine to "lose it" in front of those who are supposed to love you and care about you. The fear is old. It comes from a time when you believed that you had to be the one to keep the family together, meet everyone's expectations, realistic or not, be the good kid, the hero, the savior of the family. Not only for your own peace of mind, but also because you probably believed that this is what made you "valuable" to your caretakers -- that, if you didn't "perform" your role, you might be outcast, abandoned. "Losing it" was never an option because it could put you in danger of this. Your currency with your parents was what you could do for them, not who you were.

I will refrain from publising the string of expletives I'm saying under my breath, at the moment, from my anger over the events, and bad behaviors from others, that are now causing you such pain. The simple answer is, you don't have to be the hero all of the time, or even any of the time. You're allowed to be human, too. And, even when you allow yourself to be human, to "lose it", to have moments where you can't be everything to everyone, it won't destroy you or your life. You are now an adult who can manage through this and everything else. The proof is that you've been doing this for a long time already. :) You will not perish, you can no longer be abandoned. It will take a long time for your "inner children" to believe this, but, eventually, they will.

If any of this rings true, then, suffice to say, the reason I understand is because this has been my life's experience as well. To this day, I sometimes feel I want to cease to exist because I can't be everything to everybody, including my own "inner children". I still become enormously anxious when I feel I've angered someone, got them upset with me, or not met their expectations, because I fear abandonment. Our parents did a real number on us. They were selfish, narcissistic bastards; maybe worse. The most important thing we've done in our lives is make sure that we didn't pass this forward to our own children. That's how strong we are -- to throw-off an entire upbringing based on negativity and selfishness, and do the opposite. No matter what you're going through, right now; no matter how many times you "lose it"; none of this matters when compared to the strength you posess to overcome it each time, and to have protected your children from your upbringing. The strength to continue fighting, and believing in the possibility of healing.

It's an understatement to say that you are a hero, to me. Not because you do anything for me, but because of who you are, of your example in fighting for your life, in every way. Because you "lose it" and come back to fight some more. Because you continue to care for your family, despite everything you're going through. It's OK for your family to care for you too. And for you to have a right to "lose it" when you need to. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Goldfish? Ewwwww! We flush dead goldfish down the toilet in these here areas!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Cheddar Cheese Goldfish by Pepperidge Farm.

And thank the 'universe' :arghh;:whistling: (can't believe I actually SAID that),

:woot:

Did you guys come up with anything? Validation? Plans?

Nope.

Ignore if this sounds preachy. I don't mean to be but I feel like sometimes I come off that way.

Nope. Not preachy. Or if preachy, appreciated preachy. Keep it coming!

 

[Hope4Now]

you probably believed that this is what made you "valuable" to your caretakers -- that, if you didn't "perform" your role, you might be outcast, abandoned. "Losing it" was never an option because it could put you in danger of this. Your currency with your parents was what you could do for them, not who you were.

Ah, yes. You are so right.

to have moments where you can't be everything to everyone, it won't destroy you or your life.

Yes, the trick is for me to "let go" enough to do this, to see that it is not life-threatening to cry or make a mistake. So even though I got hijacked by a part that night, here I am, alive and well, and my husband and uncle are no different for the wear and tear I put on them.

To this day, I sometimes feel I want to cease to exist because I can't be everything to everybody, including my own "inner children". I still become enormously anxious when I feel I've angered someone, got them upset with me, or not met their expectations, because I fear abandonment. Our parents did a real number on us.

Yep. And for me, the church as well. Didn't help.

No matter what you're going through, right now; no matter how many times you "lose it"; none of this matters when compared to the strength you posess to overcome it each time, and to have protected your children from your upbringing. The strength to continue fighting, and believing in the possibility of healing.

:):hug::hug::) Thanks, P. This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It's an understatement to say that you are a hero, to me.

:wideeyed: Ummm, who would be the hero to whom you're referring?

It's OK for your family to care for you too.

^^^^^
This. This is what's really, really hard. Just talked about something along these lines in therapy today. That lots of my parts absolutely do not trust that there is a single soul in existence who can help and protect and support me. Or that I deserve it. I feel as if I have to earn it. But never will. :banghead:.

Hugs to you. Thanks for writing all this.

 

[Pietro]

Yes, the trick is for me to "let go" enough to do this, to see that it is not life-threatening to cry or make a mistake. So even though I got hijacked by a part that night, here I am, alive and well, and my husband and uncle are no different for the wear and tear I put on them.

Exactly. The way my therapist described this to me is that my "parts" are deathly afraid that we will perish; but that, as the adult, I have to remind them that, not only can take care of them, but that I have done so -- at the very least with regard to subsistence.

As for your husband and uncle, they, too, are adults, and should be able to handle a little wear and tear. ;) But more than that, their little row was a lot of wear and tear on you -- enough to trigger you. IMHO, it's time they took your situation seriously, and if "losing it" is the only way that they'll understand, then so be it.

Yep. And for me, the church as well. Didn't help.

Didn't know that. Was detrimental to me as well. I like the current Pope, but, as a whole, I have no use for the Catholic Church -- or any other church, for that matter.

This. This is what's really, really hard. Just talked about something along these lines in therapy today. That lots of my parts absolutely do not trust that there is a single soul in existence who can help and protect and support me. Or that I deserve it. I feel as if I have to earn it. But never will. :banghead:.

Me too. I haven't gotten close to achieving this. Like you, working on it. :D

:wideeyed: Ummm, who would be the hero to whom you're referring?

You. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

I've been experimenting this week. I've put on weight and I think it is because of the seroquel. I cannot put on weight. I will be seriously depressed if I do. The only really good thing that has come out of this whole endless meltdown is that I lost 25 pounds effortlessly and have kept it off for a year. I need to lose another 25 to feel good(ish) about this body I'm stuck in. But now the scales are tipping the WRONG WAY. So, I cut the seroquel out. Had a horrible night and a horrible day on Tuesday. Took the seroquel on Wednesday and slept and felt okay. Did not take it last night. Had a horrible night. But I feel okay today. I can't figure it out.

I told my therapist I was going to stop. He seemed alarmed. He said, "Well if you don't take that you have to take something." I think he's probably right. I think it is helping my mind, but I can't put all that weight back on. I just can't. Blah!!!

Last night, I started a literary piece that is a bit of my story. It is about the recovered memory. I think I might be able to make something of it if it isn't too, too harrowing for people to read. Decided I would tell it from the multiple perspectives. We'll see. Will share it with my writing group if I can manage to get a decent draft crafted. I am hoping that doing this will help me process some. I wrote a story about the motorcycle accident from 25 years ago...it helped me a lot. And I think it was actually an okay story.

I am doing a lot of thinking about what I am going to do to channel some of this creative energy that has been bubbling up in the last year. I need to do something other than just create. But I have to be careful too, because I know that as soon as I start in with expectations about my work, the joy vanishes and I just shut down. So I won't do anything with the paintings I think. I care too much about those. But I care less about the poetry because I don't much think of myself as a poet. I need to submit some of them and see what happens. I wish I had done it this winter when I was thinking about it, because I would know now. There's a 3-4 month wait period. I hate that. I want instant feedback. That's why I like the open mike stuff. But there is something about traditional print publication that appeals to me. It's like getting a stamp of approval.

And I need to do something with the photos. I like the photos I've been taking. I am working on series three now. I have NO CLUE what to do with them. I cannot afford the entry fees for shows. If I felt more confident, I'd arrange my own show the way some of my friends have done. I'm reasonably certain that we have enough friends and acquaintances who would feel obligated to purchase them that the costs of framing and showing would be covered. But the problem is that I wouldn't trust that people actually like them. I wish there were an equivalent for photos to the open mike thing. Where you could show your stuff to people who have no idea who you are so they can be honest. That would give me a little more confidence I think.

But then, why do I care anyway. If I am producing stuff that I like, that should be enough. And to hell with them if they don't like it.

At some point I need to take the leap and put myself out there. Or the creative juices will dry up, I fear. I need some kind of feedback. I have hundreds of photos, a dozen or so poems, several essays, and a pile of paintings. I can't just keep generating. Too much self-reflexivity. Ugh.

My uncle left today. I am happy sad. It was stressful to have him here visiting for 10 days, but he did manage to keep my mother at bay during that time, which has been really helpful. I wish he would move up here and help me with her. He is a good man. He stresses me out sometimes, but he also makes me laugh. And I think he actually loves me for real. Not just for himself and what I can do for him, which is what my parents loved me for. I'm beginning to realize this last bit. A lot of parts of me have a hard time believing that. But it's true.

Today I will plant some herbs and vegetables. I will work on the story. I will meditate and nap. I will pay my mother's bills. I will re-read my poems and select some places to submit them. I will clean up my study. If I can do all these things, I'll feel pretty damned good. We'll see.

 

[Hope4Now]

This.is.powerful. Not great. But powerful.

 

[shimmerz]

Holy crap! Thought provoking! and to actually see it.... Thank you Hope.