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- #1,153
I am so ready to go home.
I am very depressed to see my uncle's decline. I have a cold. It is cold and pouring rain here today. I have averaged 3 hours of sleep each night I've been here and I am exhausted. I am in this totally weird place where I am watching myself interact with my uncle and seeing what it was like for me as a child with my family. I am never right. I am not allowed to have opinions. People don't listen to me, or if they do, they laugh off what I say. I am meant to be personable, adaptable, happy. I am having persistent (but fast at least) flashbacks to my childhood (many visits to Washington because my grandparents and my uncle lived here).
The good thing... I can watch how depersonalization and derealization allow me to cope with familial interaction. I can see why I thought my uncle could help me when I was a child when he actually was totally unable to because of his own issues. This visit is blasting me in the face with stuff from childhood...not the physically traumatic stuff, but the much more amorphous emotional stuff. I see why I learned to doubt my own grasp on reality. OMG. There is so much going on. Far more than I can or want to write here. And I'm all worked up because Anthony posted a response to one of my posts that had a tone that set me off. I don't usually engage in that stuff, but I did this time. And I'm sorry I did. I don't like arguments or disagreements.
I'm babbling now because I'm trying to avoid experiencing the chaos that's churning in me. I'm sure it will make its nightly visitation tonight, but I am aiming to hold things together until I finish dinner with my uncle. He is coming to pick me up now.
God, I am depressed.
But another good thing...I did get to the exhibit I wanted to see at the Museum of the American Indian.
One step at a time. Get through dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow, then I fly home.
I thought this was going to be a fun few days with no responsibilities. Wow was I wrong.
I am very depressed to see my uncle's decline. I have a cold. It is cold and pouring rain here today. I have averaged 3 hours of sleep each night I've been here and I am exhausted. I am in this totally weird place where I am watching myself interact with my uncle and seeing what it was like for me as a child with my family. I am never right. I am not allowed to have opinions. People don't listen to me, or if they do, they laugh off what I say. I am meant to be personable, adaptable, happy. I am having persistent (but fast at least) flashbacks to my childhood (many visits to Washington because my grandparents and my uncle lived here).
The good thing... I can watch how depersonalization and derealization allow me to cope with familial interaction. I can see why I thought my uncle could help me when I was a child when he actually was totally unable to because of his own issues. This visit is blasting me in the face with stuff from childhood...not the physically traumatic stuff, but the much more amorphous emotional stuff. I see why I learned to doubt my own grasp on reality. OMG. There is so much going on. Far more than I can or want to write here. And I'm all worked up because Anthony posted a response to one of my posts that had a tone that set me off. I don't usually engage in that stuff, but I did this time. And I'm sorry I did. I don't like arguments or disagreements.
I'm babbling now because I'm trying to avoid experiencing the chaos that's churning in me. I'm sure it will make its nightly visitation tonight, but I am aiming to hold things together until I finish dinner with my uncle. He is coming to pick me up now.
God, I am depressed.
But another good thing...I did get to the exhibit I wanted to see at the Museum of the American Indian.
One step at a time. Get through dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow, then I fly home.
I thought this was going to be a fun few days with no responsibilities. Wow was I wrong.