Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

It feels like many months since I wrote in this diary, but it really is just over a month. I have such weird issues with the perception and conception of time. At some point I found the word that is the official name for this, but it got lost in the labyrinth of my poor brain. An hour can feel like a week, and a month can feel like a day. I've started back on using a paper calendar and have developed a routine of looking at it several times a day to remind myself what day and year it is, and to remind myself of the obligations I need to fulfill. I missed way too many meetings and appointments last year and am working extra hard to prevent that from happening now.

These past few weeks (well, actually the past year +) I feel like I'm living in a personal hell of my own creation. Every time I think I have myself "figured out" some part comes up and wrecks the momentary relief of insight, or I have some flashback that adds more quasi-information to what is already overwhelming. And, yet, I keep slogging through. I am still working--for better or worse because it is extremely stressful--and I am really pushing to try to be there more for my family. There is definitely not enough of me to go around. I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside and the outside. But anyone looking on would see a relatively normal (well, maybe a little funky, eccentric and unpredictable) person, living a rather predictable middle-class life.

Today, I got hijacked by my parts. Planned to go to work, then just couldn't make myself do it. Collapsed in bed, wrapped in a blanket, clutching a heating pad, for something like 5 hours. But my uber-responsible part re-emerged and I drove carpool, got my hair cut, took my daughter to her piano lesson, and am about to go cook dinner and call my mother (I have procrastinated on this last one since Tuesday). I am ready to collapse again. I have not slept much in the past week or two. I am fighting hard against the urge to run run run away and hide somewhere, but I know I will be trying to hide from something that is inside me. So I stay. I'm also fighting hard against the urge to hurt myself because I know that, too, is an attempt to escape the inescapable.

It's kind of like a meta-entrapment. All these parts come from being trapped as a child by other people. Now I'm trapped in my own parts. The parts that were trying to escape entrapment are now entrapping me...it's a kind of internal form of traumatic replication where people replay their traumas. Somehow I've managed not to do that in my exterior life...I have a lot of decent people around me and a wonderful loving husband. I just do it to myself. At fault, yet again.

A "new" part of me emerged big time last weekend. It is a part I actually like...a really devil-may-care, energized part. It was my most functional part until I was around 10-12 years old, but it's back. The good thing is that when it's here, my pain is less and I have a lot of wild energy. I've been channeling it into riding a stationary bike and moving around a lot. But it won't let me sleep and won't let me stop moving. I know I'm going to crash soon. Maybe today was the partial crash, but this part is still pretty active in me. It had a lot to say to me today even though I don't quite understand all of it, or believe what it says--or that the part itself for that matter--is real.

I guess the difference between now and last year is that I am aware somewhat of these parts of myself. And sometimes I can listen to what they are saying to me, as one might listen to another person. It is a completely surreal experience, but it is letting me understand my system a little better. I just have no idea how much to open up to them. I am, I guess, terrified of them. Sigh.

 

[Eleanor]

@Hope - Is the 10-12 year old part, by any chance angry? or just enthusiastic and curious? Or both?

The collapsed bit is... anxious? afraid? exhausted? despairing? what does she need?

Time is going to be weird as you switch consciousnesses. Eventually they should all come together, more or less. And you may be sleeping more than you think... emotional activation goes UP in sleep - so when stuff is up sleep is often disrupted. Valerian might help.

It might help to think about it this way (and talk to the parts about this.) The parts have limited experience and memories and skills. They don't have access to the adult you, and they haven't learned to "calibrate" to the present - and may well be "stuck" to a greater or lesser extent in some past experience that is not fully integrated and so not yet a memory for them, but still an ongoing experience. If the part is not stuck, but just immature, do your best to talk to it, and let it out to have new experiences "with" the adult you - this is where mindfulness comes in to help you supervise. The idea is to let that bit actually mature, and learn new things and make a solid connection with the adult you. The parts that are stuck need help to get unstuck - EMDR, exposure, something that lets them come online fully and experience the thing and survive it and process it so it can become a memory.

I suspect keeping the adult part of you active and relatively busy will help. As much as possible try to think/act toward yourself like you are a momma duck and you have this line of slightly off baby ducks in tow all the time - be mindful when one is or might freak out. KNOW that you can handle whatever, and them too.

One useful thing to do is when you get a bit triggered, notice, then feel the feeling/hurt driving it just for a second, then get your adult self activated as soon as possible (think about the best you, things you've felt really confident doing, beautiful things, accomplishments, people you love, times you've been compassionate, communities you are a member of, etc.) and then - love that little self and try to solve her problem in her best interest.

Crossing fingers.

Pencil introduced me to the theory around this: Structural dissociation - and ... the adult part is always pretty much terrified of the small parts. Phobic is a word that gets used a lot. Talk yourself through the fear - keep yourself in the present as much as possible "Nothing bad is happening right now." The little parts are scared of you too. Poor ducks. The way out is for all of you to speak to each other. You are all in this together. They are why the adult you survived. You are why they survived. There is no conflict of interest here. There is scary discomfort. And that can go away.

That's the theory anyhow.

 

[Pietro]

Talk yourself through the fear - keep yourself in the present as much as possible "Nothing bad is happening right now." The little parts are scared of you too. Poor ducks. The way out is for all of you to speak to each other. You are all in this together.

I can corroborate this. :) In fact, today, which has been one of the most anxious days I've had in months. I've been "cheerleading" my "inners" all day, trying to help them understand the difference between the past and present.

A "new" part of me emerged big time last weekend. It is a part I actually like...a really devil-may-care, energized part. It was my most functional part until I was around 10-12 years old, but it's back. The good thing is that when it's here, my pain is less and I have a lot of wild energy. I've been channeling it into riding a stationary bike and moving around a lot. But it won't let me sleep and won't let me stop moving. I know I'm going to crash soon.

This is really interesting. I'll be really interested to see the progression of this part in you, over time. Sounds like one of your "children" has "escaped". ;) If she got locked-up when you were only between 10 and 12, she's likely feeling like she has a lot of catching-up to do. ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you, Eleanor and Pietro, for responding. I seem only to write in this diary when things are particularly snarly and I'm hoping for some external response (my paper journals are endless and there are never responses to those except my own). I'm uncomfortably conscious that I'm using this element in the forum in a pretty selfish way, but I suppose that's what it's for, and it is nice to feel heard and supported. I'm still getting used to the fact that there IS actually support and understanding available to me. That continues to be a bizarre concept to me.

As much as possible try to think/act toward yourself like you are a momma duck and you have this line of slightly off baby ducks in tow all the time - be mindful when one is or might freak out. KNOW that you can handle whatever, and them too.

I LOVE this. It made me smile. My therapist keeps talking to me about the same idea, but he frames it as mothering real children. This makes me totally stressed out given that my own children (as wonderful as they are) so often exhaust me with their needs, and I've spent much of my career as a teacher of kids with special needs and that was exhausting too. There doesn't feel like there's anything left to "mother" my self. You've framed it in a way that doesn't stress me out. I think I can be a duck. Maybe that'll be a good start.

Talk yourself through the fear - keep yourself in the present as much as possible "Nothing bad is happening right now." The little parts are scared of you too. Poor ducks. The way out is for all of you to speak to each other. You are all in this together. They are why the adult you survived. You are why they survived. There is no conflict of interest here. There is scary discomfort. And that can go away.

Again, you've said it so well and so comfortingly. Thank you. I can see that you're doing or have done this work yourself. How brave you are, and how generous to be offering your compassionate support. I don't have much to give back to you except my gratitude.

I do "talk" to myself constantly...it's just that I'm never quite sure who is talking to whom :). That's one of my challenges but I'm getting better at it. Yes, every part is scared of every other part in my system, and none of them want to admit it so they just keep reacting to one another and making noise to protect themselves. My therapist used the technical term "squished" :). This made me laugh because it's true. All the parts are squished up together.

Supposedly on Monday we are going to try once again to process something that one of my parts has been stuck in since the summer. This will be something like the fourth attempt, but we have to keep backing off. I think maybe I can do it this time, though. I hope so because it is very hard to keep going on like this.

 

[Hope4Now]

In fact, today, which has been one of the most anxious days I've had in months. I've been "cheerleading" my "inners" all day, trying to help them understand the difference between the past and present.

Pietro I'm sorry to hear you had a rough day. Did the cheerleading help? My inners cannot seem to grasp that there is any difference between the past and the present. They do not listen to me, the incessant voice of reason.

I'll be really interested to see the progression of this part in you, over time. Sounds like one of your "children" has "escaped". ;) If she got locked-up when you were only between 10 and 12, she's likely feeling like she has a lot of catching-up to do.

I don't know if this part is a child/exile part, or a "protector" part as my therapist thinks. It feels like the former, but I think it's the latter...another last-ditch effort to protect the deeply wounded child parts from surfacing in all their shame and vulnerability. And yes, @Eleanor, this part is angry. In spite of all my reading, I don't really understand how parts split off and take on roles in one's life. I guess maybe it's immaterial as the real goal is to dig down to the really raw emotional hurt and terror and somehow resolve it. It feels like it will never happen, but maybe it will. Everyone says it can, so I just have to trust that if I keep doing all this work I will eventually become a more calm and integrated person who can love myself.

 

[Eleanor]

I have the GREAT advantage of having splinters due to neglect not trauma. So my bits aren't really phobic of each other. Tho they are pretty independent, and seem to prefer to go their own ways. Curious.

My inners cannot seem to grasp that there is any difference between the past and the present. They do not listen to me, the incessant voice of reason.

That would be because ducklings don't HAVE a concept of past and future. They are always right now. And they get stuck in experiences... so the experience doesn't become past. Don't reason with them. SHOW them. Reasoning is my variety of crazy - thank you @Pencil - "Would you reason with a puppy that just pee''ed on the carpet?" She asked. "Erm... yes, actually I would" I replied.:confused::wideeyed: Nuts.':wacky:

Anyhow, SHOW them it is ok. Like with a ducking. Hold them in your hands til they relax. I don't know how you do that exactly - visualization maybe? Walk them through the good ending of the experience. Dig down to the hurt - feel it for just a second then think of other stuff and feel differently - so that the connections get made.

so I just have to trust that if I keep doing all this work I will eventually become a more calm and integrated person who can love myself.

Yup. That is right.:tup:

This structural dissociation theory plus Panksepp's thinking on basic emotions is proving very fruitful for me...

 

[Pietro]

@Eleanor: I'm familiar with Structural Dissociation Theory, but not Panksepp -- something else to research. ;)

@Hope4Now: I think Eleanor is right on the money; my understanding of "inner children" (ducklings) is the same. In fact, the sense of time is one of the most intractable issues. I have the same problem -- my "inners" do not recognize that time has passed. Could be as Eleanor described, that children don't consider time too much. I think Eleanor also said something about them being "frozen" in time, that, after they are "born", they do not age or mature -- they retain all of the characteristics present at that time. They are not entirely distinct identities of their own that experience life the same way we do -- which is largely why this is not the same as DID (although they may be at two ends of the same spectrum). They are more like "copies" of us at a given moment in time that are stored as part of traumatic events/situations. There are actually analogies for this in the computer world, which help me to understand some of this; but there are pieces of this that are wholly human, and ridiculously complex. The fact that such a full copy of a personality can be created within one's own mind -- let alone many -- is just incredible, given the size and complexity of the information. I will venture that those of us with this issue are probably utilizing more than 10% of our brains. :D

Again, as Eleanor said, showing them works. You have to do it A LOT -- much like changing behaviors in an ADHD kid. ;) They will not learn from just one, two, or even 10 experiences. They've been the way they are for decades, so it will take a certain consistency of new behavior to convince them that the change is safe. And when you do start to make a change, they will rebel -- with a vengeance. You will hear negativity in your mind that you may have thought you'd finally defeated long ago. ;)

I don't know exactly how re-integration occurs, or if it ever occurs fully. My therapist has implied that re-integration does occur for fragmented folks. I have felt something like re-integration of pieces, on occasion -- couldn't describe it right now if you asked me, though. I do know, however, that every time I have a memory flashback, some re-integration occurs. I suppose that's an indication that resolution of repressed memories has a lot to do with this.

As regards what Eleanor said about how to interact with your "children", this does work differently for everyone. I talk to mine like children. I do reason with them -- to a degree. When they continue-on for too long without producing any new information or emotional release, I step-in and request -- sometimes firmly -- that they stop, or maybe go to sleep. I don't really do thought stopping, unless I have to. I've disagreed with this with my therapist -- and many others -- because it's a standard technique. But I can't reconcile treating my "inners" in a way that I feel is invalidating, when half of their problem was caused by this very behavior from others. I don't talk like that to my "outer children" either.

So, Eleanor gave you the emotional perspective, and I decided to provide a lengthy technical treatise on the cognitive side. :rolleyes: There's only one thing to say....

 

[Hope4Now]

Ahh, the struggle progresses. My parts seem determined to keep me from processing out of the terrible trauma loop that one of my child parts is caught in. Every flipping time I think, "Yes, we're going to do this today," something else comes up to derail me, and my therapist says we need to slow things down and I need to spend time with my parts. Sigh. Happened again today. I suppose maybe if I'm patient enough, it will happen eventually. It is just so very hard to live like this.

It has been a very tough week with yet another part emerging. And other parts freaking out so much that it has taken a lot of self-talk to keep me from running away. Of course I can't run away from myself. I know that. But the compelling urge to run to the woods is there. Pain is back with a vengeance. It never has gone away, but it has been averaging only around a 4-5 for the past couple of months. Yesterday for several hours, and a few times other nights this week, I could not walk at all. Pain at 9-10. Ugh. It sure is getting crowded in my internal life.

The impossible-to-contact famous psychiatrist with whom I am supposed to start working on meds was finally tracked down by my therapist, so I will be going to see him in 6 weeks or so. I think the idea is to give me some kind of medication that will soothe some of my wildly activated parts enough that we can progress with the trauma work with fewer interruptions. I continue to have mixed feelings about meds, but I'm willing to try. I definitely could use something.

I am terrified that everything is coming apart. It is. And I'm hanging on by my fingernails because I don't know what will happen when I fall, or if there'll be anyone there to catch me or even what that falling or catching looks like. I know I'm supposed to catch myself, but guess what?! Don't think I can do that any more. That part that pushes me ever onward in functionality is tired and a bit pissed off that I'm dredging up old and best forgotten things. Ugh. It's an scary place to be inside my mind these days.

 

[Valentino]

Terrified that if I let go, there will be nobody there to catch me in my emotional free-fall.

In order to escape, I need to "let go" in one way or another. Either give up and choose to die, or find the courage to let go and reach for the next hand or foothold that is out there somewhere out of my awareness. Terrified of the fall.

I am terrified that everything is coming apart ... I don't know what will happen when I fall, or if there'll be anyone there to catch me or even what that falling or catching looks like.

This 'fear of falling' seems to be a consistent theme for you.

Have you ever considered investigating why this fear is so strong? Others have different core fears, like fear of abandonment, fear of being trapped, fear of uncertainty, etc.

What's the worst that will happen if you fall? What exactly are you afraid of? Losing control? Uncertainty? Is there some sort of assumption of falling apart? Breaking up into pieces?

Emotions work through symbolism and metaphor, sometimes it takes a little digging to get the total and accurate message.

I have found that the combination of Education and Exposure work very well for easing anxiety. If you keep yourself in the dark by reactively and impulsively running from your fears, while that initially eases the fear, it also reinforces a constant underlying anxiety. Taking some time to investigate (education) and pausing before reacting (exposure) can better help to counter that anxiety.

Panic and urgency often creates more panic.

.... and in IFS terms, the anchor is the Self, I think it's about becoming a Self-Led person, no longer falling into the trap of Managers, Firefighters or Exiles parts taking control of the lead, or the mind attaching and identifying with them as a false leader. The Self is what remains and can take over the lead after your other parts fail and reach their limits of leading, protecting, or covering up.

This is the belief that, in addition to these parts, everyone is at their core a Self containing many crucial leadership qualities such as perspective, confidence, compassion, and acceptance. Working with hundreds of clients for more than two decades, some of whom were severely abused and show severe symptoms, has convinced me that everyone has this healthy and healing Self despite the fact that many people initially have very little access to it. When working with an individual, the goal of IFS is to differentiate this Self from the parts, thereby releasing its resources. When the individual is in the state of Self, we can work together to help the parts out of their extreme roles.
--- http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

What if emotional free fall is what's required to get in touch with and learn to recognize your underlying true Self?

 

[Eleanor]

If it is not too confusing to use other metaphors (and I like Valentino's!) it is likely you need to give the adult functional part (the ANP) some nice things to do to too. I am becoming increasingly skeptical of people going off work and such to deal with this stuff. Work and responsibilities seem to help keep the process grounded. There is a balance to be struck for sure, but some external structure seems like a really really good thing.

On the basic emotional systems level, SEEKING is an excellent moderator of PANIC if for no other reason than the behaviors are opposite to anxiety - muscle tension, scanning, global alert - SEEKING - or curiosity /interest is about focus, pursuit, action. Change the behaviors, you will change the affect.

Sending you integrating vibes Hope....

 

[Pietro]

My therapist says similar things to what others are saying here -- better to be able to maintain life while working through things, both because you need to survive, and because living will help you through the trauma. I had talked, at one time, about taking leave from work for a month or two, and my therapist got somewhat concerned; I think she saw it as a step backwards. There's no doubt that, if you had the time and financial resources to just quit work and devote yourself nearly full-time to therapeutic activity, your recovery would progress more quickly. However, even so, it could still take years -- years during which life will have passed you by.

Make no mistake -- I don't like this compromise. I don't like having to live through life with a 1/2 ton monkey on my back, weighing me down and interfering with everything I do. I'm damned bitter about it, in some ways, and have a serious grievance to lodge with the powers that be in this universe. Regardless, the game is what it is, and we have to be clever about how we play it. ;)

Regarding the meds, the theory is that they will help mitigate some of the anxiety and/or depression and allow your mind to "loosen-up", a bit. It will also help with maintaining daily life. Typical types of meds are SSRI's and, lately, SNRI's; lots of people take these. There are some others that are used as well. Given that your psychiatrist is an expert in this area, he may have some other, more novel, approaches, but the goals will likely be similar.

 

[Hope4Now]

What if emotional free fall is what's required to get in touch with and learn to recognize your underlying true Self?

Yes, this IS what is required. Easy to know. Hard to do. Thank you for your thoughtful questions and responses--all of which are dead-on. I have no idea why the fear is of falling. I've thought about it rather obsessively. Lots of pat answers, but they don't get to the real core which is really letting go into the dread unknown.

SEEKING is an excellent moderator of PANIC if for no other reason than the behaviors are opposite to anxiety - muscle tension, scanning, global alert - SEEKING - or curiosity /interest is about focus, pursuit, action.

Yes, I agree. Probably why I read compulsively and learn and try out just about every approach to dealing with my trauma symptoms--from pranic healing, to eating vegan, with lots of more mainstream approaches in between. I think, though, that the seeking now is increasingly going "in." I've gathered about every piece of information available on trauma...even most of the research articles are repetitive now. The search is for my lost self!

I don't like having to live through life with a 1/2 ton monkey on my back, weighing me down and interfering with everything I do.

I hear you. It is exhausting. Feel like I am living about 12 lives at the same time.

Regarding the meds, the theory is that they will help mitigate some of the anxiety and/or depression and allow your mind to "loosen-up", a bit. It will also help with maintaining daily life.

December 17th is the big day. We'll see if he gives me some healing concoction. My therapist and the reigning research seem to indicate that meds are rather a crutch that can help one progress a bit faster in the process. I've been more than a year now. My therapist keeps reminding me that most people like me are not doing this without meds. I would just like to have a med that would make me feel safe. I wonder if there is one for that? And/or one that would make the flashbacks stop. That would help. Sigh.

I am in a dark place tonight. Friday, despite my best intentions for action for the day, I lost the whole day in a sort of dissociated/flashback. Lasted for hours. Parts of it were the usual. Part of it was new and hideous and completely freaks me out. Added visceral information to the recovered memory that happened in August. But worse, really, because there was EMOTION attached to it. Then another one last night. Different visceral experience, but related. With emotion again.

I suppose this might be seen as a good thing. That somehow my system is starting to integrate emotion to the information that is coming out slowly. I've realized (at least I think I have, but my realizations seem to change day to day), that somehow my system fragmented into a lot of parts that hold different things. I know I have a lot of parts of myself with very complicated and intertwined relationships. Over the past few weeks, though, I've begun to realize that my emotions are just as fragmented and dissociated as my memories/experiences are. I have distinctly different parts that hold--in addition to the fear part of which I am painfully aware (pun intended...my chronic pain comes from fear)--anger, sadness, and hurt. I suppose my work these days is to try to integrate these in some way. And somewhere in there is all the positive stuff too--playfulness, joy, love, etc.--that are wanting to come out without being beaten up by all the other parts. God, it's an awful war in there.

Today after I took my mother out to the store (and managed not to get too activated), I had this profound urge to go and sit next to my father's grave and try to figure out if all this terrible stuff that my memory is saying he did is actually true. It was silly, really, but I had this sense that maybe I could connect with his energy and maybe get some clarity. But I couldn't find the damned site. It was after sunset, and the caretaker let me in, but the cemetery is one of those old beautiful ones that meanders around in no organized way, and I got lost.

Sometimes I think I really am going crazy. I don't know what's real any more. How can a person go through life and accomplish things and do stuff like I do, and be so normal on the outside but have all this chaos and insanity on the inside. How can someone live their whole life and not remember things that happened to them? Or suddenly have things they do remember come slamming back to them in an entirely different way, like putting on a pair of nightvision goggles in which everything becomes clear? I do get scared...the inside is increasingly emerging to the outside of my life. The life I have lived is not really mine. I know, now, that a part of me--a very highly functional part--has been in the driver's seat. For some reason, that part seems to have tired of driving in the past couple of years and has been increasingly giving up the wheel to other parts. Somewhere in me is some "Self" that I'm trying to find, but she's rather elusive. I am trying so hard to manage all this without shutting it down the way I have my whole life. But it is so very, very difficult.

Tomorrow, again for the hundredth time, I am to try to give voice to some childhood experience while I am with my therapist. I never seem quite able to do it. Always seems like by the time I get all the other parts that are in the way settled down enough that maybe I can talk from the heart, it's time to end the session. I am a very slow mover on this stuff. Yet I am desperate to do it. He says (and I agree) that any experience will do. They are all so entangled and merged with each other that I can probably pick anything to talk about and it will get to where I need to go. I almost did it on Friday. But I couldn't figure out where to start. As if there is a right place.

I have made progress over the year in therapy though. My pain is not as intense all the time. I am going to work most days and am somewhat productive. I understand, intellectually, a great deal about trauma and dissociation. I mostly trust my therapist. I have not hurt myself for about two months now. I am painting for the first time in 25 years (they're awful but at least I'm doing it). I'm writing again (not for work). I am learning to move energy around in my body to get grounded (if I can do it before I fly off completely). I'm better at recognizing when I'm completely fried and need to rest. So that's all good.

Maybe some one of these days I will become the person I imagined I would be when I was very young. I still have hope. Hope4Now :) and for the future. If I lose that, I'm done for.