Strange Star

[Eleanor]

I have made progress over the year in therapy though. My pain is not as intense all the time. I am going to work most days and am somewhat productive. I understand, intellectually, a great deal about trauma and dissociation. I mostly trust my therapist. I have not hurt myself for about two months now. I am painting for the first time in 25 years (they're awful but at least I'm doing it). I'm writing again (not for work). I am learning to move energy around in my body to get grounded (if I can do it before I fly off completely). I'm better at recognizing when I'm completely fried and need to rest. So that's all good.

This is all big stuff. I think you should really give yourself major major credit for this. :tup::tup::tup:

Always seems like by the time I get all the other parts that are in the way settled down enough that maybe I can talk from the heart, it's time to end the session

I don't know. I often feel like I get "derailed" in my T sessions too. And our couples counseling... oy vey. But my T assures me that whatever is most "up" at that time is what most needs dealing with and to not worry to much about orchestrating the process. HAHAHA .:hilarious: As if that were even possible. As if control weren't one of my major coping strategies... :sour::yuck: Still, it is something to keep in mind.


Keep on grounding out all that old emotion and feeling - They WILL turn into mere memories.... And then you'll be free of them.

 

[Pietro]

I would just like to have a med that would make me feel safe. I wonder if there is one for that? And/or one that would make the flashbacks stop.

As regards "feeling safe", SSRI's can help with this some, I think. They take the edge off of anxiety and obsessive thought. As for flashbacks, that I don't know.

Feel like I am living about 12 lives at the same time.

Glad you said this; now I know I'm not the only one. ;) I'm not living this through flashbacks, though, but, instead, through dreams.

Over the past few weeks, though, I've begun to realize that my emotions are just as fragmented and dissociated as my memories/experiences are. ... God, it's an awful war in there.

All of the different aspects of memory -- visual, auditory, sensory, and emotional -- seem to get fragmented and/or repressed. There are several theories for the fragmentation, some related to extreme and potentially catastrophic overwhelm from some traumatic event or series of events. However, sometimes things are simply repressed -- hidden by the sub-conscious and doled-out in small pieces depending on your tolerance level (so says my therapist and some books). Thus, you may get the visuals first, and then the emotions are released, thereafter.

As an engineer, I always look for elegance within any "system". As for this system of trauma management and recovery, it does seem practical and methodical -- but it sucks, nonetheless. ;)

I am in a dark place tonight.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling. You're not crazy. Crazy is that you don't deal with life at all; you're dealing with "real" life and all of the crap your mind is dredging-up from the past, which is a lot. I think this means you're incredibly strong.

In any case, I empathize with everything you said here. Sending you lots of warm, positive energy. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

I have had a rather horrific week. Did manage to choke a bit out about the experience that has pieced together in various forms of flashback since last summer. It was okay. I spent almost an hour before the appointment trying to get all my triggery parts to settle down enough that I could actually get to the stuff before the session was over. Still it took almost 90 minutes (I guess he didn't have an appointment after me. It was nice of him to let it go on and on like that). It was all really hard, but okay at the same time. He is very gentle and kind to me, and that makes it possible for anything to happen I guess. I can write about all this stuff in some detail, but actually saying it directly to someone else is quite terrifying, even when I'm not all blended up with the part of myself that wants to be witnessed. Yet I think that is what I need to do. Writing for me can be helpful and clarifying, but I'm finding it disconnects me from the experiences.

The backlash in my system after this has been really hard. Have been feeling very, very alone and vulnerable this week. Not much sleep. Flashbacks and nightmares. Trying to keep a grip. Trying not to run away from home. Feel like a young child trying to shoulder all my adult responsibilities. It's funny...I seem to daily relive the emotional experience of this one particular memory...being terrified to make a sound or move. It's all just stuck inside me. I can't get away from it even if I run.

Saw my therapist a day early because I just couldn't wait. Feeling too messed up. Spent the appointment doing movement and "playing." I kind of went along with it because he suggested it, but then it was okay and sort of interesting how some of the parts of me responded to it all. He says I need to play more and that I need to work on making myself take up more space in the world. Though I get this intellectually, I think I don't really understand what this means. He said he should play more too. I asked what he liked to play at and he told me...volleyball, badminton, etc.. Much more grown-up things than I would have said, which indicates, I suppose, how mixed up with this 3 year old part of myself I really am. I would have said cars and trucks and building forts.

I don't feel any better after the appointment. Just kind of resigned and defeated. In a hole. Which is better than what I have been all week, I guess. I would feel better if I could cry on somebody's shoulder and receive some comfort I think, but my system won't let that happen. Maybe I'll steal one of my kids' hot wheels or matchbox cars and close my door and play. Maybe that will actually help. Ridiculous but then so is so much of the rest of the stuff I'm trying to do to feel better.

 

[Eleanor]

I would have said cars and trucks and building forts.

Personally - Legos work for me. It is possible to acquire huge numbers of legos (more is always better) on Ebay in lots for not terribly much money (comparatively speaking.) Also there is a really cold toy (big tinker toys) called Crazy Fort. Two or three sets ... super fun. This should be indulged IMHO. Yes, borrow the cars. Play.

Excellent work Hope.

Hugs to the little H4N. It's ok. Now it is ok.

Are you familiar with Peter Levine's work?

 

[Hope4Now]

@Eleanor...do you play? I mean really?

Thank you for the hugs. She also likes that you call her little H4N. I actually did dig out some cars and a truck and play for a bit this morning. Nobody was around so it wasn't too weird. Besides, I was pretty much the little one anyway as soon as I laid hands on them. It was good. So strange. With all my knowledge of neuroscience, I simply do not understand how it is possible to actually have "parts" like this who actually respond differently to different things. And that maybe it is okay to play and it doesn't mean I'm going crazy.

I know a bit of Levine. I read Waking the Tiger...one of the first things I read when I set out to learn about trauma last fall. What do you recommend of his? I just read Bessel van der Kolk's new book, The Body Keeps the Score. I think this is probably why my therapist wanted to play with me last night...van der Kolk talks about how playing catch or activiites with another person that require some interaction can be very healing. Yet again, the difference between reading about things and actually experiencing them blew me away.

I was also reading about sensory processing disorder for something for work this morning. It sort of knocked my socks off. Really interesting. I know I have a lot of these issues. Whether they're genetic or caused by trauma, I'm not sure. But some of the things they suggest for people who get sensory overload are things that I've done sort of instinctively for a long time. What I didn't know about was what to do to stimulate the senses when you get sensory underload, which also happens to me especially when I get too focused on something. One of the things they recommended was spinning and swinging :). So...I have a spinny chair in my office and I have been using it to great effect.

Well...just more strategies to add to the table I guess. Hard to create a routine out of all these things. The playing idea is growing on me though.

Thanks for the tinker toy rec. I'll check it out. We have bazillions of legos. Want some? :)

Thank you for your always understanding responses. I don't even know your story. I have seen things you have written to other people, and you are an amazingly responsive and kind person. Maybe you will be willing to share some of your journey with me sometime? Hugs to you, if that's okay.

 

[Born to Run]

I have the GREAT advantage of having splinters due to neglect not trauma.

Neglect is trauma as well, as it can be to an extent which is life theatening. Maybe you know of the terrible experiments of Spitz done in Romanian orphanages? The children were neglected by withholding human contact, most of these children died. You can look up René Spitz with Google, since I don't manage to paste the link here, and see a youtube video of this by searching on "Emotional Deprivation in Infancy :: Study by Rene A. Spitz 1952".

 

[Hope4Now]

I did it. Sort of. Managed mostly to stay in my "Self" during my therapy session yesterday while I was "with" this one stuck young part. The whole experience was surreal and scary and made me feel even more like I am imagining this whole thing. My stuck young part split into two parts. Really. Like I watched the whole thing happen. Almost freaked me out more than being in a flashback. I told my therapist because part of me was saying I was doing it all wrong, and I don't want to do it wrong because I want to heal from all this mess. He said that this can happen. I wasn't doing it wrong. I guess parts can have parts too. It's all such a bloody mess. Ended up in a massive sort of body flashback last night after being shaky and frightened, then things settled down. I haven't had one of those with that intensity for a while now. I awakened about a dozen times through the night sort of all mixed up with this part that is still stuck. Searing pain this morning like it used to be last year. Am talking to my parts. Telling them it is going to be okay. They're not believing me, but maybe one is because the pain has let up some. Why would they believe me? I'm not sure I believe me. Had another flashback a little while ago. God this stuff is exhausting. I'm okay now. Sort of. Have to go to work. Put on my "big-girl pants" as they say. Not sure why I'm saying that. I've always hated that expression. But that's what I feel like I have to do. Climb into the functional part and stay there so I can do what needs to get done today. The inner children are NOT happy about this. But I will not give in and be a scrambled mess all day. That will just make me feel worse. I will get through this. I am determined. No pain, no gain, right? Soldier on. Keep calm and carry on. Don't let anybody see.

 

[Hope4Now]

i dont't know quite why I'm writing here right now. Hard time typing properly. I am very fkd up at the moment but all alone. Too late at night for tryinng to be with my husband who is sleeping and too late for most anything at all except an online forum. In my stupid diary that I don't even know why I continue to write in. I told the story sort of today to my therapist. It didn't help at all. I've put so many eggs in this basket...if I tell the memory that parts of me don't even believe then things will be okay. But they aren't. It was really hard to do and now I am so messed up.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Hope. I am hoping you are better today. It has been a heck of a week all the way around I think. Monday just cosmically sucked IMHO. I hope it has gotten better since.

How goes the playing? Eek, I thought I posted back a couple of times ago... but apparently not. Crap. I hate when the ether swallows things...

 

[Hope4Now]

@Eleanor, thanks for the good wishes. Last week as a whole pretty much cosmically sucked. But, as is so often the way, the suckiness passed or burned itself out temporarily, or I got distracted or dissociated, or something. Anyway, past few days have been a bit better. No playing, though. Need to try that some more. Stop being so serious all the time.

 

[Hope4Now]

Yikes was I in a bad way last time I posted. I have a lot of work to do in therapy, obviously. Sigh. Thought that finally giving voice to that one hideous story would do the trick, but no such easy out happened.

I saw the famed psychiatrist on Wednesday. Nice guy, very smart. Started me on a micro-dose of Prozac which he says is a good drug for PTSD that will help with the blending up I struggle with...IF I can make sure my parts are all on-board with being medicated. That's the tricky part. No other meds have worked for me in the past, but now that I "know" my parts, I can apparently convince them that taking meds will actually help me heal them, not silence them. Hmm. The funny thing about this med is that my DOG is on the same one, but at twice the dose. LOL!

I don't know if it is the meds, or something else going on, but I haven't slept soundly for more than 2 hours at a stretch for about a week. Wake up with pain and anxiety. This is not a good thing because my pain issues get really exacerbated when I don't get enough sleep, and my already suffering executive function dips even lower...which then makes me feel worse about myself...which then continues the vicious cycle.

It has been a truly insane week between my inner and outer lives. The outer life has gotten so nuts that it has crossed the line into absurdity (absurdity is nothing new for the inner life). Which is probably good for me because it kind of takes that sort of extremity to make me wake up to the fact that I simply cannot do everything I feel I need to.

I used my therapy appointment on Friday to vent about all the outer stuff, which I haven't done for a long time. That, along with this amazing grounding meditation my t did with me on the spur of the moment, was actually really, really helpful. I've been spending so much time on my inner life that sometimes I forget how much support and validation I need right now in my outer life. I definitely need more close people in my life. My only real support system is my husband and my therapist, and my husband is often not "there" even though he wants to be. He has so much of his own stuff going on.

I've spent the evening making a mix of Solstice/Yule/Christmas music to give as gifts to some people. That's been nice. Music is so healing. Now I am going to make dinner and wrap presents. And go to bed early...and sleep...I hope. Tomorrow I am meant to go back to the trauma-processing stuff with my therapist. I hope I will be able to stay present in myself and do the work without spinning off into what happened last week. I really do. Even though I know it will pass, I'm too exhausted to have it all happen again.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi - I hope your Solstice/Yule/Christmas went well! I noticed that the MD is having you try Prozac -- just wanted to be sure you know about the numerous other ssri drugs (paxil, zoloft, etc.) -- everyone reacts differently to each one, but it can be worth the long try-out periods if one is better for your personal brain chemistry. Some are more "activating" and might interfere with sleep, whereas another might improve your sleep -- and someone else could have the opposite reaction to the same drug. So be sure to tell the MD anything like sleep troubles, they should be willing to help you try another if that is the trouble. I found Paxil to be the most calming, I ran towards not being able to relax or sleep esp. if there had been a recent contact from an abuser.