Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

In my equation, there are things much worse than death. Those make me feel unsafe.

Hmmm. You're making me think some more. I suppose the real fear is having to go through something so awful that it would make me die, or kill myself to escape it. I'm pretty sure this fear comes from way back, that it is parts feeling this because they are in that situation. My job these days is to try to stay in my body and update them...I am safe now.

 

[sun seeker]

My job these days is to try to stay in my body and update them...I am safe now.

I think it's worth exploring the question of "safe from what?" What exactly does safe mean to you? Is it a feeling you've had before or one you have to create from scratch? The absence of whatever it is that would make you die, or something more concrete? I wonder whether your parts need more specifics on what "I am safe now" means. Both because then you can give them a clear picture of what that means (and they probably respond to the concrete better than the abstract) and because knowing what makes them feel UNsafe will give you more information to go on when working on trauma release, once you are at the point of safely being able to do that.

 

[Hope4Now]

I don't quite know what safe feels like. Am creating from scratch. Takes lots and lots of trust and courage and, well, grit I guess. I have never known what "safe" feels like. I think I am beginning to feel safe with Yoda. Sometimes with my husband. It is a nice feeling, but scary at the same time because it involves connection with someone other than myself. When do you feel safe?

 

[Pietro]

So what am I as I am? I've mostly decided on the category "queer." Because I don't fit anywhere really.

From the 20th century onward, changes to our world, and humanity itself have been accelerating exponentially. Even though the old definitions of gender, sexuality, etc. have held for tens of thousands of years, they are suddenly inadequate to describe the much more complex options humans now have available. And this is only the beginning. We are a very young species. If we can avoid doing ourselves in within the next 200 years, we have lots of evolution ahead of us -- much of it likely self-induced. :)

From what I've heard, in the LGBTQ community, gender and sexuality are based less on "physical anatomy" and mostly on how one chooses to identify him-/herself. One can identify as man or woman, regardless of anatomy, and can identify as straight or homosexual based upon his/her preference of sexual attraction in relation to his/her gender identity. Wow, that is confusing. :confused:

Because I don't fit anywhere really. Or maybe "two-spirit." Although I ought to be called "multi-spirit." They talk about third and fourth genders in a lot of native american writing.

So you're familiar with this! I only learned about this in the last few months. Amazing to me that they were so far ahead socially in this regard. Maybe we should adopt their categorization system. :)

 

[sun seeker]

When do you feel safe?

Never. Sigh. It has to do with my really early trauma and attachment disorder and all that fun stuff. There is an incredibly strong imprint in me that if I feel close to anyone, they will be taken from me or abandon me in one way or another, and to that core part of me, feeling secure in connection with others is what safety is about. I get glimpses of it, but am constantly hypervigilant for signs of it being snatched away. My equation is any kind of imperfection in me = rejection = abandonment (or other form of people disappearing from my life) = a feeling worse than death. I've been told I attract that happening by believing it so strongly, and maybe I do. It's the one part of my trauma that feels beyond me to heal, and the part I need the most help with.

 

[Hope4Now]

There is an incredibly strong imprint in me that if I feel close to anyone, they will be taken from me or abandon me in one way or another, and to that core part of me

@sun seeker i am on my phone and not privy to the tech for quoting properly. I have some version of what you mention...I think all of us with attachment issues from early trauma do. It seems, from what all the wise people who surround me say, that we must recognize and acknowledge this fear as coming from a part that is stuck in the past. We need to hear/witness its fears and update it in time/place so that it van see that we now are here, and able, and willing to provide for its needs. Of course, in order to do this, we have to be able to sustain being in SELF. Easier said than done, as Yoda just repeated to me today. It is a
Practice, this staying in self.

 

[Hope4Now]

Part of me is quite proud of myself about how I got through this weekend. (Big family reunion of husband's family...all three branches...2 parties--a dinner and a picnic...and a family meeting fraught with all sorts of politics). I did not help. I did NOTHING except be there. I took naps, slept really late, and participated in what I had to. Part of me also felt very guilty for not helping when everyone else in my family was working so hard to prep food for 35 (Our family was hosting). But I made it without any huge issues of shutdown like I had last week. So, Yoda was right about being pro-active.

The only thing that went "wrong" was yesterday. I decided to make the longish walk down to the lake instead of driving. I waited until everyone else was gone so that nobody would see me. I used my two canes. And it was GOOD! I took it slowly, but I was not in pain and not limping. The canes sort of helped me balance out. One carful of cousins went past and asked if I wanted a ride, but I declined. I got there, attended the meeting, had some food, then took the kayak out. That was good too. Just a gentle and slow paddle. But by the time all was cleaned up and the farmhouse tidied and it was time to drive home, I was thoroughly exhausted and barely able to walk because of the pain. So...I learned yet again that I really do need to lie down and rest in the afternoon. It doesn't matter how late I sleep. It has more to do with my level of activity and stress. Argh.

So today I got up at 7:30. I've had my coffee and am about to go down and ride the stationary bike in the basement. BEFORE I write in my journal or get involved in other activities. While I have a bit of energy.

This figuring out how to balance my life is ridiculously difficult. Too many parts wanting too many things. I am listening and responding as best I can.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am determined today. I am determined to create some sort of routine I can actually follow...with flex time built in to accommodate all the daily things that throw off my best laid plans.

There is so much stuff I'm meant to do to "feel better" that I'm feeling overwhelmed by it and rather defeated. This is parts stuff, I know, but it's hard to unblend from the parts that are beating on me. So "we" are going to have to forge some sort of agreement about how I am supposed to live.

I do not want to get to that deeply discouraged place I was in at 1 AM this morning. It's not a good place to go. And I do not need to go there. I have strategies I can use, and I used them. I colored around 4 mandalas at 1 AM instead of slip sliding into the black hole. That was good. Then, this morning, I got up at 7 AM. I feel okay today. The discouraged parts are still there, but they somehow know I'm listening and am getting ready to make a reasonable plan.

I'm also going to try mapping my parts again. I have not done that for quite a long time. I've tried, but couldn't. I think perhaps I can do it today. I have nothing at all planned. That means nothing of course, because when there are kids and spouse and other family around, there is ALWAYS something that comes up. And that's okay. I have to get to the place that it feels okay, and if it doesn't, it is also okay to bow out. I don't want to participate in life half-assed. Only full-hearted. Then the stuff is fun. Not when I'm wishing I were doing something else, or feeling like I should be doing something else.

This last thing is key. I am pretty sure it comes from parts battling over what to do. I need to work on getting some sort of consensus. It is wildly difficult. I'm hoping the mapping will help. The puppets help enormously with most of the manager/protector parts, but I need something for the exiles. Not sure what. I'm just beginning to acknowledge fully that they actually "exist."

Ah, all so very interesting if it weren't happening to me. I'm boring myself with all this stuff. Which, of course, means I'm not in SELF but in a part. Hmmm. Which part is bored and annoyed? Checking in...checking in...listening...aha. Found it. Could have predicted that one. Will need to do something adventurous today to please that one.

What? That's always the trick. Even when I hear what parts want through all the static, I'm never quite sure how to give it to them. This one wants to run off and go wilderness camping again. That is simply not an option at the moment...between titrating up on new meds and getting son ready for college and a weeklong trip to the midwest coming up next week, I cannot go camping. So, what would be adventurous? I mean, seriously? Checking in...checking in...listening...hmmm. Some dead air. Just asked if working on the sculpture I started would be adventurous. I don't think that's what he had in mind, but perhaps I could persuade....

This listening to parts is a lot of damned work. No wonder I just shut down for all those years. Am I glad it has all come exploding out? Maybe. It pretty much sucks when I'm feeling things. But I have to feel the suckiness if I want to be able to feel the joy too. Two sides of the same coin, as it were. Can't have one without the other. So, yes, I suppose I am glad in a perverse sort of way. Because I am beginning to feel a little more human. Not so much of an alien. It's interesting that the perspective is beginning to shift. A lot of people I meet are stuck in their parts. Maybe they are the alienated ones, not me. Hmmm. Will roll that one around as I spend the next hour or so mapping and creating some sort of routine.

I have to lose 50 pounds. At this point, I'd even be happy to lose 25 and get back to where I was in the spring. It is the dark side of medication, this extra weight. I am determined to get it off. And exercise every day. Exercise is tricky but is supposed to be good for people with fibromyalgia. I can ride the stationary bike. I did it on Monday for 30 minutes and I did not collapse. There is no reason why I can't do that every day. It just has to become part of the routine. So...Hope...stop writing about what you are going to do and DO IT! Here goes...

 

[Hope4Now]

Did the same person write yesterday's entry? Seriously? I mean, yes, I sort of remember feeling this way less than 24 hours ago. Not now. I am back to full alien mode. I just ranted in my paper diary for pages. It helped only vaguely. It did help to read yesterday's entry here because I'm thinking I'll try coloring. I forget sometimes what to do when I feel so *&*^(*%(&*^ (this is an adverb). So I guess that, at least, is one good thing.

I don't quite know what is going on with me. Very, very agitated. Angry. Frustrated. Very unlike me. Meds? Possibly. But I've decided to take myself off of two of the three of them even though they have helped a lot with the pain. But it could just as easily be all the friggin' crap that has come down on me in the past 6-12-24 months. Seriously. They say dissociation is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Perhaps my crap these days is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Particularly when I have made it my life's mission NOT to dissociate (not very successfully, I fear). Not that any one thing is particularly and odiously stressful (although meeting my birth mother and half-sister a month ago the same day my daughter got hit by a car and was taken by ambulance to the same hospital bay where my father died...well, that comes pretty close to odiously stressful). Leaving my career of 25 years? Yes, stressful. Financial devastation? Check. Dying mother. Check. Hmmm. There are a few others that rank up there pretty high. But seriously, no single thing is sending me over the edge (whatever that even means...I have been "over the edge" for many years).

I wrote a very pissy email to Mr. Famous Psychiatrist tonight. Said I make a pretty sucky pharmacological intervention patient. I do. I'm done with meds, I think. Too many shitty side effects. I would rather live with the physical pain, I think, as long as I can still semi-function. Even if I can't bike or hike or swim or kayak anymore. Even if I am exhausted all the time. I will taper down slowly. I will not be irresponsible. The last thing I want is to end up unwillingly confined to a hospital again.

I don't even really know why I am sitting here at midnight writing this, other than that I cannot tolerate lying in bed and attempting to go to sleep. I will go for manic mandala coloring again and see if that works. Tomorrow is another day. I am to see Yoda tomorrow, but not sure I even want to. I'm not fit company even for a kind and understanding therapist. Grrr.

 

[Hope4Now]

It's now 1:45 AM. I am colored out. Finally feeling a bit calmer. Very satisfying sharpening my 69 cent colored pencils with my 49 cent sharpener and choosing various hues to decorate the pre-designed page. No thought at all required. I didn't use my 2 boxes for a dollar crayons (Thank you back to school sales for making coloring supplies delightfully affordable). Maybe I am ready to go to sleep. I hear my dog whining for me in the other room. Hoping for some sleep. "I'm knackered," as my English friends say. Horrible saying, but on nights like tonight it feels uncomfortably appropriate. I much prefer mornings. With good strong dark roast coffee and a hot shower. That is worth waking up for!

 

[Hope4Now]

So f-ing much going on. Not all bad. Good stuff too. Just stuff. And stuff, these days, gets me wiped out. I think I need a sensory deprivation tank or something. I did sleep for two hours this afternoon and felt like a new person afterward for a few hours. I am nearly overwhelmed though. Maybe if I just sleep all day with a few short functional hours in between, I could get better? Hmm. My life does not work this way.

I made the dire error of looking at the newspaper AND facebook today.

I have felt extremely guilty because for the past several months I have intentionally resisted the news to keep my stress levels down. But a family dinner last night had much conversation about things going on in the world...things I was aware of but was working pretty hard to keep from fully penetrating my consciousness because there is not one single bloody thing I can do about any of it. And I know from past experience what too much news (especially visual) does to me.

Anyway, I read the Times today and looked at facebook. Big huge mistake. It will be a long while before some of the stuff that penetrated gets processed. I truly can only process things I can actually have some agency in. Everything else is purely intellectual. And that is not processing, as I have learned and am continuing to learn.

So tonight I am sending lovingkindness prayers to lots of people throughout the world. That's it. All I can do. Totally helpless to make any difference at all in this world. A wave on the sand. Whatever.

I am trying to be okay with this. Trying to just focus on being fully present in now and getting ready for the big trip on Monday. Husband is freaking out worried about me, but I'm pretty sure I will be okay. I have a rental car. The first two nights, I'll be at my son's college. Then I drive north and have booked a cheap funny little place on the lake that has a...FIRE PIT! (@shimmerz... :) !) S'mores, here I come. Then I'll spend the last two nights with friends of my husband's I've never met...but they sound pretty cool. Artists. I will be staying in their barn/studio on their farm. Kind of a writers' retreat thing. Then I drive a long way to fly home.

I am hoping the trip will be rejuvenating after the first couple of days. I have made my peace with taking my canes and with the fact that I will likely need to ride on one of those airport transport thingies because one cannot drag a wheelie and have two canes. I'll be one of the "passengers who require assistance." I learned that when I was on crutches for my last few trips for work. I'm not bringing much...pretty minimalist trip with plans for laundry in the sink...but still need more than just a small day pack. I am hoping I will be able to write, and rest, and do some drawing and photography. Perhaps speak to nobody at all for three days. (I haven't done that for a long while...I need to). I am hoping the lake people will agree to rent me a jet ski even though I have canes. I am fine as long as I'm not on my feet, after all. I am dying to go jet skiing again! I'll probably never again do alpine skiing, but this kind of "skiing" is actually way more fun and not nearly as bone chillingly cold! I am also hoping to find a fish boil. I think where I am going, these are as common as bean suppers and clambakes where I live. But I'm not sure. I've always wanted to go to a fish boil.

My uncle is here to "help" with my mother. Whatever episode he had on Thursday seems to have passed. (It likely was a stress reaction to the SEVEN HOURS he spent with his sister on Tuesday). Anyway, hopefully, he will be able to fend off the calls that would normally go to my husband if I am unavailable. Hopefully, the hospice people will continue to take good care of my mom.

I'm tapering off my meds. Probably not the smartest thing prior to a big trip, but really I feel it is the right thing to do. And once I decide something, it is pretty hard for me to backpedal. So far (day 3), okay. We'll see how it goes. I will bring some just in case. I'm pretty much feeling "done" with meds. I would rather deal with the chronic pain than all these other side effects. Yoda says that this trial-and-error stuff with meds is quite normal and common. That makes me feel only vaguely better. I'm not profoundly adverse to meds. But I simply cannot and will not accept gaining all this weight. That will be about as anti-therapeutic as one can get for me. I can tolerate blurry vision, agitation, insomnia, mood swings, lots of other things. But I cannot tolerate this. (Hear the banshee screaming...). It does NOT help me to be in my body which is already a profound challenge!

So...here goes. Hoping to sleep tonight. Be wildly functional tomorrow to get ready to go. And then...

Well, one moment at a time. Wish my parts could get on board with this.

 

[shimmerz]

FIRE PIT! (Link Removed... :) !)

Where is it! What time do you want me to be there? Directions! I need directions!