Relationship Strong feels

[southwest]

I'm going through some strong feelings at the moment. I've stayed in contact with my ex that had ended our relationship due to past trauma from another relationship and past life experiences. At the end of our relationship she asked over and over that we stayed friends and that she still loved me but couldn't be in a relationship. This was hard for sure. I know the struggles and pain she was going through and know it was a daily fight.

However now as we still hangout together seeing her move on to pursuing new relationships hurts bad. Knowing that now she's actually taken time to work and heal herself hurts. It definitely makes me feel like a stepping stone since she didn't take anytime between the abusive relationship and our relationship starting. I'm happy she is in a better place and doing better but I'm definitely hurt by being the person at the wrong time sort of speak.

 

[nursenurse]

Walk away. It is difficult after being in a relationship to stay friends. Not saying it cannot happen, but clearly you are feeling more for her than she is for you. Give yourself the gift of time and distance, and look after yourself, learn from your experience and heal.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You don’t have to stay friends with somebody just because they ask. A friend doesn’t make you feel pain.

 

[Friday]

I remained friends with most of my exes. Those I didn’t? I had good reason. Sounds like you do, too.

 

[southwest]

@nursenurse Thanks for the response

 

[HorribleCoffee]

I've been in the "stepping stone" relationships, both as the person being used as the stepping stone and as the person using the other as the stepping stone. Both ways, It hurt. The former when I would be the one building them up but not being the one they stay with, the latter when I know I couldn't be the person I needed to be for my partner before they gave up on me. It sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I feel that, no matter whether the breakup was civil, you will need time apart from your ex. No or very low contact. Only in that way are you able to heal from the loss of the relationship. Maybe you can be friends after that, but right after the breakup? You need that distance. And the time and distance will make it clearer to you whether a friendship would work out. Some exes you can be friends with, others absolutely not. And neither choice is wrong. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

Everyone breaks up differently. And sometimes ex's ask too much. Particularly the ones who ended the relationship. Sometimes they want out of the relationship but they want the emotional stability the relationship gave them, so they want to stay friends. However, they have already transitioned from partner to friend in their minds.
It's the person who still loves the ex that needs to transition. Being friends can help or hinder that process. Because you have to transition to friend role.

I stayed friends with ex's and also didn't. One example, we were together for 5 years and lived together for 5 months after we broke up. Because ex didn't want to live separately and wanted us to remain living together. This was a demand too much as I felt I was loosing my mind. Them staying out overnight with their new girlfriend and me at home on my own knowing what they were doing. Horrendous. So I said I was moving out. And we managed to stay friends that way. It gave me space to make my new life, separate from her, and transition to friend mode. Decades later, and we have remained friends. She was the witness at my wedding 14 years ago and me at hers.

My point is:.
Do you want to stay friends?
If you don't, that's ok. if you do, that's ok.but maybe find a path to friendship that works for you.
Maybe having a break in contact for a bit might help that path to friendship.
Maybe some boundaires and some conversations are off limits for a bit to help that path.
What does friendship look like for you?

And what you decide now might change as you accept and transition and heal from the breakup.

 

[southwest]

Everyone breaks up differently. And sometimes ex's ask too much. Particularly the ones who ended the relationship. Sometimes they want out of the relationship but they want the emotional stability the relationship gave them, so they want to stay friends. However, they have already transitioned from partner to friend in their minds.
It's the person who still loves the ex that needs to transition. Being friends can help or hinder that process. Because you have to transition to friend role.

I stayed friends with ex's and also didn't. One example, we were together for 5 years and lived together for 5 months after we broke up. Because ex didn't want to live separately and wanted us to remain living together. This was a demand too much as I felt I was loosing my mind. Them staying out overnight with their new girlfriend and me at home on my own knowing what they were doing. Horrendous. So I said I was moving out. And we managed to stay friends that way. It gave me space to make my new life, separate from her, and transition to friend mode. Decades later, and we have remained friends. She was the witness at my wedding 14 years ago and me at hers.

My point is:.
Do you want to stay friends?
If you don't, that's ok. if you do, that's ok.but maybe find a path to friendship that works for you.
Maybe having a break in contact for a bit might help that path to friendship.
Maybe some boundaires and some conversations are off limits for a bit to help that path.
What does friendship look like for you?

And what you decide now might change as you accept and transition and heal from the breakup.

I do want to stay friends but I know in my heart I will always want more from her than just friendship.

 

[Movingforward10]

I do want to stay friends but I know in my heart I will always want more from her than just friendship.

Those two things are in conflict with each other.
It's not true that you know you will always want more than friendship. That is heartbreak speaking. Not truth. You can heal from a break up and move on. Might not feel like it at all now. But it is possible. And then you feel freaking fantastic because you overcame something you thought you couldn't.
If you believe you will never get over this love, then you are going to find friendship excruciating as you'll be in constant pain.

 

[southwest]

Those two things are in conflict with each other.
It's not true that you know you will always want more than friendship. That is heartbreak speaking. Not truth. You can heal from a break up and move on. Might not feel like it at all now. But it is possible. And then you feel freaking fantastic because you overcame something you thought you couldn't.
If you believe you will never get over this love, then you are going to find friendship excruciating as you'll be in constant pain.

It's been a long path with her. We dated for a bit and broke up for two years. I was devastated for those two years before we got back together for another year. So I know I'll never get over it. I know I lost the one.

 

[nursenurse]

The “One” would not treat you like this.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like

It's been a long path with her. We dated for a bit and broke up for two years. I was devastated for those two years before we got back together for another year. So I know I'll never get over it. I know I lost the one.

It's entirely possible for you to get over it. You having this belief that you won't, will hold you back from being able to.
What's stopping you from believing you can get over her and be happy?