PTSDGuy
Not Active
I've been reading everything I can on Structural Dissociation, and I'm totally confused, but am starting to allow myself to consider the possibility that I might have parts. The last couple of weeks, I've been trying to wrap my head around it all...
I've read threads on here and have read two books on CPTSD and Dissociation - and it kind of makes sense. I've been fighting the idea tooth and nail - for some reason the idea of things happening without me knowing it terrifies me...
Both my regular T and my EMDR T both have said to take care of "Little PTSDGuy". I can sort of get that. Every flashback I basically turn into my 7 year old self. I hated the idea at first, but finally realized that they're probably right. And yet, every week, my T tells me about things I discussed in therapy the week before and it's like he's talking about someone else.... I'm always surprised.... "I talked about what?"
But I'm also starting to realize that I might have an "angry guy" inside... Something just snaps, and it's like it's not me. I get like that sometimes when I'm feeling judged... I snap and I get this "Screw you", feeling, and suddenly I hear myself saying things that I regret later, but can't stop. Or I'm driving and get road rage. It's like it's not me - it's the angry guy going nuts driving, and I'm not in control any more...
I've also think that there may be times when I turn into "The Actor" - when I'm insecure or nervous dealing with people. My husband has noticed it for years. I never thought about it til recently... I switch to my "announcer voice", which means my voice changes and I enunciate perfectly. But I don't usually realize I'm "The Actor" until someone tells me later.
Then again, I could be totally wrong about all this. It wouldn't be the first time I misunderstand things about my abuse.
I've read threads on here and have read two books on CPTSD and Dissociation - and it kind of makes sense. I've been fighting the idea tooth and nail - for some reason the idea of things happening without me knowing it terrifies me...
Both my regular T and my EMDR T both have said to take care of "Little PTSDGuy". I can sort of get that. Every flashback I basically turn into my 7 year old self. I hated the idea at first, but finally realized that they're probably right. And yet, every week, my T tells me about things I discussed in therapy the week before and it's like he's talking about someone else.... I'm always surprised.... "I talked about what?"
But I'm also starting to realize that I might have an "angry guy" inside... Something just snaps, and it's like it's not me. I get like that sometimes when I'm feeling judged... I snap and I get this "Screw you", feeling, and suddenly I hear myself saying things that I regret later, but can't stop. Or I'm driving and get road rage. It's like it's not me - it's the angry guy going nuts driving, and I'm not in control any more...
I've also think that there may be times when I turn into "The Actor" - when I'm insecure or nervous dealing with people. My husband has noticed it for years. I never thought about it til recently... I switch to my "announcer voice", which means my voice changes and I enunciate perfectly. But I don't usually realize I'm "The Actor" until someone tells me later.
Then again, I could be totally wrong about all this. It wouldn't be the first time I misunderstand things about my abuse.