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Structural Dissociation?

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I've been reading everything I can on Structural Dissociation, and I'm totally confused, but am starting to allow myself to consider the possibility that I might have parts. The last couple of weeks, I've been trying to wrap my head around it all...

I've read threads on here and have read two books on CPTSD and Dissociation - and it kind of makes sense. I've been fighting the idea tooth and nail - for some reason the idea of things happening without me knowing it terrifies me...

Both my regular T and my EMDR T both have said to take care of "Little PTSDGuy". I can sort of get that. Every flashback I basically turn into my 7 year old self. I hated the idea at first, but finally realized that they're probably right. And yet, every week, my T tells me about things I discussed in therapy the week before and it's like he's talking about someone else.... I'm always surprised.... "I talked about what?"

But I'm also starting to realize that I might have an "angry guy" inside... Something just snaps, and it's like it's not me. I get like that sometimes when I'm feeling judged... I snap and I get this "Screw you", feeling, and suddenly I hear myself saying things that I regret later, but can't stop. Or I'm driving and get road rage. It's like it's not me - it's the angry guy going nuts driving, and I'm not in control any more...

I've also think that there may be times when I turn into "The Actor" - when I'm insecure or nervous dealing with people. My husband has noticed it for years. I never thought about it til recently... I switch to my "announcer voice", which means my voice changes and I enunciate perfectly. But I don't usually realize I'm "The Actor" until someone tells me later.

Then again, I could be totally wrong about all this. It wouldn't be the first time I misunderstand things about my abuse.
 
Something just snaps, and it's like it's not me.
Be very very careful with this one.

There can be a whole lot of denial & distancing around anger/rage & associated actions. It’s not me, I would never, I’m not that kind of person, etc.

Virtually every other kind of learning experience people go some version of “Wow. So I guess I can do this / react that way / need to work on this/ etc.” But for some reason, with rage, when it conflicts with their world view / view of themselves? Instead of “Okay, this is what I do when ABC. Do I like that response? If not, how do I set about changing it?” they distance themselves and deny it’s “them”. Which leads to less control, and greater frequency. The opposite of what they actually want.

It’s not exactly flattering to realize “I guess I’m someone who can scream at strangers, drive erratically, go after someone’s insecurities, knock someone flat, etc.” ...but once you know you can do those things? Because you’ve done them? It gives you 2 new sets of boundaries. How far you can go (because you’ve done that) & how far you want to go (which is the degree of control to learn).

It’s not me. I have no control. -vs-
This is what I do. I’m learning control.

= vastly different headspaces to be working out of.
 
There can be a whole lot of denial & distancing around anger/rage & associated actions. It’s not me, I would never, I’m not that kind of person, etc.

Food for thought... You could be right... I get confused around anger... It's always been too dangerous to feel. If I got angry as a kid, I got beaten...

It was my T who brought up the idea of parts, and my anger being one of them... but maybe I misunderstood... I get overwhelmed in therapy and sometimes get stuff wrong. But, whether it's some kind of dissociation or not, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with it.
 
She is stuck in that room with him and really wants to go. How should I handle this?
I would imagine that eventually you want to teach the part that there are other solutions. Death is a solution to escaping pain, but there are other ways. Maybe that's the eventual goal. Maybe an intermediate goal--learning to communicate with her?
 
I would imagine that eventually you want to teach the part that there are other solutions. Death is a solution to escaping pain, but there are other ways. Maybe that's the eventual goal. Maybe an intermediate goal--learning to communicate with her?

I definitely have to learn to deal with whatever's going on... You're right - If I end up dead because of it, it's not gonna help.
 
There can be a whole lot of denial & distancing around anger/rage & associated actions.

Just my thoughts based on my experiences as a person who relates to 'parts'.

I think when one speaks about parts, the description is exactly what you mention ^^^ Friday but with the idea that parts are at the far end of the denial and distancing scale. So much so that the 'part' that is angered/enraged is inaccessible on any type conscious level - which means there is limited or no control of the anger. It may well feel foreign - literally as if it is another 'person'; or we feel we have never felt anger - just can't relate to anger at all.

That, to me, is what a part is. An emotion that has been totally contained at the far end of the spectrum closed in the psyche for the sake of our survival.

The triggering of these parts could convert into Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn behaviour because as a developing child, who may never have had the option to express anger because we were too busy protecting ourselves from those that 'cared' for us. If attacking happens on a regular basis, then we must learn to re-assign our anger so as not to be further maimed; emotionally destroyed; or annihilated in some way. So a 'part' is created to contain any feeling of anger or rage that our system already knows will threaten our ability to survive.

Those of us with splits need to learn how to recognize our anger, bring it out in a way that allows us to express it in a healthy manner. We need people to model the proper expression of anger. We need to learn to trust that our (or someone else's) anger does not mean certain death. Instead anger = positive change agent. We need to incorporate anger in a healthy way for all of our parts to experience before integration of the parts (feelings).

No idea if this makes sense to anyone but me. If not; please just ignore.
 
Just my thoughts based on my experiences as a person who relates to 'parts'.

I think when one speaks about parts, the description is exactly what you mention ^^^ Friday but with the idea that parts are at the far end of the denial and distancing scale. So much so that the 'part' that is angered/enraged is inaccessible on any type conscious level - which means there is limited or no control of the anger. It may well feel foreign - literally as if it is another 'person'; or we feel we have never felt anger - just can't relate to anger at all.

That, to me, is what a part is. An emotion that has been totally contained at the far end of the spectrum closed in the psyche for the sake of our survival.

The triggering of these parts could convert into Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn behaviour because as a developing child, who may never have had the option to express anger because we were too busy protecting ourselves from those that 'cared' for us. If attacking happens on a regular basis, then we must learn to re-assign our anger so as not to be further maimed; emotionally destroyed; or annihilated in some way. So a 'part' is created to contain any feeling of anger or rage that our system already knows will threaten our ability to survive.

Those of us with splits need to learn how to recognize our anger, bring it out in a way that allows us to express it in a healthy manner. We need people to model the proper expression of anger. We need to learn to trust that our (or someone else's) anger does not mean certain death. Instead anger = positive change agent. We need to incorporate anger in a healthy way for all of our parts to experience before integration of the parts (feelings).

No idea if this makes sense to anyone but me. If not; please just ignore.

I literally needed to cut and paste your whole message, because every bit of it resonated with me.

It definitely makes sense to me, @shimmerz
 
Yep. Hence the ownership of it, forging the link instead of distancing further, is one of those crucial/vital things IMO/E/O.

This sounds easy, but it isn't really always what's needed. Similar to first understanding before working on integrating and then releasing to the past within reframing and perhaps forgiveness... Acceptance in DID is first releasing the need to deny and control. Then listening and allowing. Then validation and empathy. Then compromise and communication. You can't take any shortcuts. Or there will be dissociation from the layers of dissociation. It's association as you would do with a separate person. The ego of the dominant part insists it's right and the others are somehow less so.

Taking ownership would be akin to taking all the credit. I guess it'll depend on the stage of healing and awareness. But it's been years of just struggling to accept there's others and they are just as real as I think I am.

The concept of the Core self is the egocentrism of the one who happens to be out front, in my case. Taking a back seat and letting another speak is not easy in my system.

I'm not sure how to get to the point where I can do what it could be to take ownership in a beneficial way for all of us.

I'm just not there.
 
but with the idea that parts are at the far end of the denial and distancing scale.

I follow along the line, but still not IME. As in lack of consciousness / compartmentalizing / the notmeness.... does not have to mean denial at all, much less lack of taking responsibility.

Those of us with splits need to learn how to recognize our anger

That would still be trauma / origins specific IMHO, more than parts specific.

(And ime, denial / distancing may be the opposite thing one had to employ in their trauma, even when not understanding what the hell just happened or *who* did the action, still having had to take full responsibility for it, and learn to be responsible for it over and over and over again / where to go Not me, not at all, route would have just been a clusterf*ck. Not even starting on how making more vulnerable, and the opposite of survival, than if acting as if fully with it.)
 
Taking ownership would be akin to taking all the credit.

... Even outside people thing: Taking ownership may mean protecting the whole company.

While issues sort themselves, when it is not the time to be sorting things but act? You better keep the bickering, take control (and/or take the blame), move on, sort it *then*.

Slow process to recognizing and all may not be the only one.
Some learn in leaps, better.
Some get through BY the shortcuts, and it is not unnatural or forcing, but responsible and making sense (and protective).

Regardless of how one thinks / is structured.
 
@Muse Maybe control isn’t important if the worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re just goin to say something mean. If you’re going to kill people? Self control becomes real important, real quick.

And no, it’s not easy. Never said it was. I can’t even imagine how it might even sound easy, unless it’s something never attempted or done. What I said it was that it’s vitally important. And to be very careful. Big distinction.
 
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