I'm still working through this thread. Getting there slowly but surely.
In yet another middle of the night flash of insight, processing this took me to a new level of understanding some of my own challenges. This is part of my thought process, hope it helps someone. Posting this is putting myself out on a limb but I'm on a drive to get through this mess my life has become.
@shimmerz writes about spending most of her life in an ANP, then losing that completely for a long time and missing the high-functioning adult part that felt like herself.
For me it's been quite different, and I'm just starting to put my finger on why.
I spend much more of my time in the EPs. This is a new concept for me so I'll have to pay attention for a while to tell how many I have. I used the plural in another post, but in fact think I have only one ANP, but will pay attention to that too. The ANP is the one I go into to function out in the world, but it's a lot of work for me to maintain. It certainly doesn't feel like "me." It's stressful keeping it out for any length of time. I would say this is part of why I have not been so highly successful in the work and social worlds: it's just a huge amount of effort to stay in the ANP.
I'm not sure why my particular circumstances made the EPs the safest for me. More time in a highly functional ANP would have certainly gotten me different results. It might have something to do with the role my family system wants me to play. Still thinking about that one.
I have an EP that is about five years old that comes out when anyone shows a sexual interest in me. This is why I have never been in a normal relationship, and until I can change this, I'm not even trying to be (edited to add: not that I'm trying to be in an abnormal relationship, either! :rolleyes:). It's very obvious. The last time this happened I was in a situation where it was hard to get away. I did say no, but standing by this man, who was not physically much bigger than me, I felt clearly how much bigger and older and more mature he seemed than me, how small and vulnerable I was. I was depending on him for a ride home. When I got there, I had to comfort myself by wrapping up in a soft blanket, drinking warm milk and watching cartoons.:wtf:
I can only let my guard down with men if they are obviously not interested (gay, committed, celibate). Otherwise, honestly I feel five years old. They get to do what they want. They are the adults. I am small, defenseless, and can only protect myself by running (edited to add: or freezing).
I have only been in one sexual relationship, with my daughter's father. It was far from a normal relationship, and not only because he turned out to be an abusive narcissist. I didn't seek to be in a relationship, and many things about him were obviously wrong. He simply pursued and insisted until I gave in. He pursued, I ran, he followed, he gave me time to think he'd stopped pursuing, he'd pursue again, and so on. My giving in was like a small child rolling over and giving up, and eventually I was hooked by his attention. The first time I gave in to him and let him have sex with me, I lay there unmoving, sobbing. I couldn't have said why.
Getting close enough to a man for anything resembling a normal relationship seems so far out of my league right now, I don't know if I'll ever get there.
That wasn't as hard to write as I expected it to be. I need to work through this.
