Struggles In Therapy

[Marf]

I have talked about this because of self harm habits and how it all works together. I/we are human animals and can not control our sexual responses. To understand that pleasure and pain are mixed up for me was a breakthrough! I finally understood that I am alive sexually and do enjoy it. Unfortunately, I am still working hard to untangle pleasure and pain, but finally believe it is possible.

However, you decide to bring up the topic with your therapist - please remember there is no right or wrong way. Plus, he or she has probably already heard it before from someone else. Afterall, it is okay to be human!

 

[mytai]

@scout86, thank you for writing out the worst case scenario saying. That actually makes it easier to think about. Yeah, worst case I have a really bad flashback, but at least it would happen where I have someone I trust to help me recover from it - plus it may help her to help me more. And I may just steal that line from you for my appointment this week.

@Justmehere, I also freeze when I attempt to verbalize something difficult, and I also get very frustrated with myself.

@Marf, you just made me sit and think about what else this issue is effecting in my life. It is causing a lot more problems than just worsening my nightmares and flashbacks lately. My ED has everything to do with control (and a little about appearance/weight), but mainly control - I felt like I didn't have control in this issue because my body betrayed me. It is also a huge reason why I never want to be in a relationship with another person in an intimate way (emotionally or physically). Thanks for responding to this, it helped me be more aware of more things that are tangled up in this and the importance of getting out in the open with my T all the more.

 

[Seasounds]

These may seem silly, but when I couldn't find the ability to talk about Intimate topics, my therapist gave me the option of not having to face them when I said it, and taking it in small steps.

The steps could be anything I wanted (e.g. if I couldn't get the words out I could hum-just to practice making sounds about it, one week i could just share the topic of orgasms, the next week I could share my memories of sexual abuse.

There is always the option of scoping out the safety factor by sharing through a question, "Have you ever heard of someone who had orgasms when they were raped?"

Being aroused during rape is common. Biological processes happen despite the lack of our emotional consent. I'd look at your situation like this, rather than 'betrayal', so you can give your 'whole self' loving regard.

Thanks for this conversation.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe take smaller steps. First, you have said it here....well done for that. Super impressive :)

Next do you know what you want to say (written down or otherwise). If you don't quite know what you want to say, then this is the first place to start to clearly know what you want to say. Maybe on the day you don't say it that way, but knowing what you do want to say (and maybe not say yet) is a big step.

Next can you imagine telling your T, can you picture it in your mind. Then, can you practice saying it out loud when you are on your own. After that, say it out loud (on your own) while imaging you T.

If these all seem too hard, then maybe you are not ready yet. Maybe you are getting closer to being ready, just not quite yet.

Having pushed myself too hard and fast (with my first T) and having to deal with the consequences of that.....I am so very careful that I don't push my self too fast with my new T.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@mytai, I don't know if this might work for you but it did work for me after many, many tries.

I picked my phrase and I rehearsed it in my head, over and over, saying it to him in my mind and envisoning him giving me just a compassionate look and a response "ok."

Then, it finally was able to come out in therapy. I still was triggered and dissociated, but I breached the topic.

Mine was - "I know I need to deal with the sex abuse stuff, but I'm not ready."

He actually did give me a compassionate, understanding look - it's nothing he hasn't heard hundreds of times before - and said a quiet "ok." And he would just check in once in awhile at sessions after that with the "has anything changed?" and every time I said no, he'd just nod and move on.

I still haven't gone far into that stuff but it is firmly now "in the land of approach." Before, it was in another galaxy.

 

[mytai]

@ghotiff, I like your idea. I like the idea of planning out what I want to say, it will take some pressure off of me by writing it out or typing it out first. Then moving up the levels by imaging myself telling my T. I will definitely take your suggestion and try this. Thank you.

@BloomInWinter, this is similar to what ghotiff just said, I like this suggestion and I will be trying it for sure. I think I need to remind myself that just because I start to talk about it doesn't mean that I can't stop if it starts to overwhelm me. I need to give myself permission to say "I know I brought this topic up, but right now I can't continue".

 

[ghotiff]

I think I need to remind myself that just because I start to talk about it doesn't mean that I can't stop if it starts to overwhelm me. I need to give myself permission to say "I know I brought this topic up, but right now I can't continue".

Maybe you can start by saying "I'm not sure how ready I am to discuss this today, but I would like to at least start".....maybe that way you can stop without feeling like you have to explain yourself?

 

[Rumors]

Hand her your original post here? At least you are in the room with her while she reads through and it starts the dialogue. That would be different than emailing her and possibly make you feel more present in the process.

 

[mytai]

I figured I would try and write out what I wanted to say to my T on Thursday. This is what I've come up with after a while of writing, I don't want to be long winded about it in case I get upset, but I also want to get the information across to her. I'm very nervous about approaching this with her.


There's a topic I want to talk about, but I'm not sure how to start. It's really hard for me to even approach this subject. Any talk surrounding sex is hard for me because I've never had consensual sex, I've had a lot of sex, but I've never said yes. If I'm being 100% honest it's not just because I've never had consensual sex, it's also because I can clearly remember having an orgasm on two separate occasions while being raped. I can't move forward, I can't let go of any of the guilt or responsibility I feel in this. It is the reason why my flashbacks and nightmares have been so intense lately. It is on my mind constantly and I feel such an intense guilt over it. My ED has everything to do with control (and a little about appearance/weight), but mainly control - I felt like I didn't have control in this issue because my body betrayed me. It is also a huge reason why I never want to be in a relationship with another person in a physically or emotionally intimate way. I want to be alone because I feel like a horrible human being.

 

[ghotiff]

That reads really well @myai.

I feel such an intense guilt over it.

Regarding the guilt over orgasms....I just read a great post on another thread that used a really good analogy (sorry, I can't remember who wrote it). It was....if a person who hates being tickled is force-ably tickled then they will laugh....but laughing is no indication of enjoyment, it is a physical response to being tickled and is not in the persons control.

 

[Rumors]

I would hand that to her and go from there! Good for you!

 

[scout86]

When ever I use a word like "can't" my T suggests that I add the word "yet". I think you expressed that really well, but would like to suggest that you are talking about things you can't do "yet". Good luck with this!