Struggles In Therapy

[mytai]

I had the session today. I wrote it all out on my iPad and brought that with me. I gave that to her to read, I didn't have a flashback right away but a short while later in the session I went into one that really screwed with my head. I saw my uncle come into my T's office. He was screaming and yelling at me, I didn't understand why my T let him in her office. I could hear my T sometimes when my uncle was quieter. I couldn't understand why my T kept telling me it wasn't real when I could see him standing in her office. He was swinging at me, kicking me, and screaming at me. My T kept saying it wasn't real, so I tried to cause myself pain separate from what I was feeling with my uncle beating on me. My T stopped me from hurting myself and so I couldn't stop what was happening. My uncle stopped screaming and I couldn't see him anymore, but then I heard my other abuser's voice. When I whipped around, he was standing there. He started laughing at me, telling me how pathetic I am. He told me that it doesn't matter what anyone else says (even my T), he knows the truth about how I felt, and the police do too. He said if I liked it then it was consensual. He was standing near me when I was at my T's office door putting my shoes back on (I like to sit on the floor with my shoes off). I don't remember leaving her office or driving home. I woke up not too long ago with the kittens sleeping on me. I still don't feel entirely "here".

I sent an email with similar details to my T about a half hour ago so she knows what was wrong with me today.

 

[scout86]

If I say "Good for you!" will it make sense so you can take it the way I mean it?

Weird experience, but good for you for going there and making it through! I think it's probably going to be helpful for your T to have been there for this, I really do.

Your not-really-there second abuser is full of it, you know. Obviously, you didn't "like it" and obviously it wasn't "consensual". That's the sort of stuff these people (whether they are physically present or not) have to tell themselves so they can live with themselves.

I'm proud of you!

 

[mytai]

@scout86, I'm assuming you mean "good for you" for actually going through with this and sharing it with my T?

It was a "weird" experience for sure, different from anything I've experienced before. I've had intense flashbacks before, but usually it is being completely immersed into a memory - not a completely fabricated one where I can still see/hear what's around me. It was absolutely terrifying. I don't remember the last time I've been that afraid.

 

[ghotiff]

That must have been so scary. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself.

 

[GWhizz]

@mytai well done on getting it out to her. I'm sorry you had such an intense reaction to it all but I really hope things begin to ease up for you. Those intrusive thoughts are not to be believed. None of this was your fault. It was in no way consensual. Please do something nice for yourself / treat yourself this weekend. You really deserve it - hugs

 

[Smile]

Wow. You are so brave for going through with it. Hope you don't mind me saying that it seems to me that you are obviously so much stronger then the demons in your past.

I second @GWhizz ... Treat yourself... You deserve it :)

 

[mytai]

Not sure how this weeks appointment will go. I had such an intense reaction to our conversation last week. My T said something last week that stuck with me, and it even keeps playing over in my dreams too.

She said that as victims (people who have been victimized) the reason we blame ourselves and feel guilt is because if we take responsibility for what happened then somehow we can control it, potentially stop it from happening again and take control, if we don't do this (wear this, go this place, etc) we won't ever be hurt again. We try to control by assuming responsibility.

My T kept telling me over and over that I was in no way responsible for what happened to me. That's the last thing I remember with her. I could still hear her talking to me during this but I don't remember now what she said, but I remember being confused as to why she wasn't reacting to what I was seeing. When I say reacting I mean like her seeing what I was seeing.

I'm actually nervous about our next appointment. Not sure how it is going to go, what we will talk about - if my T will want to focus on what happened with me. It's not that I'm not ok with it, I just don't know what to expect.

 

[GWhizz]

@mytai, I'm really glad your T told you this and I hope you were able to take some of it on board. My T actually asked me why I am so hard on myself and can't let go of the personal shame, guilt etc. And my reply was that it allowed me to control it as I never had control as a child. I'd never thought about it like that before then. But it's very difficult to hand that control back and I'm still fighting against it.

Remember, this is your therapy, so if you want to discuss your reaction, triggers etc rather than what you were actually discussing last week, you can direct that. I have this anxiety every week before therapy as I just don't know whether I can even trust myself to get things out that I really want to. But it's getting easier (and I don't feel bad anymore that I write most of it because it's too painful to verbalize).

Is there anyway you can email/contact your T before the session about this anxiety so that she can at least be prepared too and try not to trigger you too much this week? I just feel that you've had it rough the past week, you kinda need a break this week. We can't expect too much of ourselves every week and last week was really big for you. You did incredibly well, I cannot imagine how hard that was for you and I really do admire you for it. Please be easy on yourself. Hugs :-)

 

[scout86]

Your T seems to be really good at her job, so, what ever direction she thinks you need to go, I'm pretty sure it will be ok and you'll continue to make progress. It will be interesting to see where things go next. (It seems like you & I have our appointments on the same day, most of the time, so I often wonder how you're doing at the same time I'm wondering what's going to happen at my appointment.)

That business about "control" is important. The idea of NOT having any control over some things is scarey, but it's also the truth. The only way I can see to deal with it involves what I think @Solara refers to as "radical acceptance"., There are things we CAN control, of course, but it's important to learn to see the difference.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, as I walk across the parking lot! Good luck!!!!! :)

 

[Marf]

Wow Mytai, I am so proud of you! I hope the flashbacks have settled down. Your whole therapy process just took a huge move forward. Congratulations! I hope you are proud of yourself. We do not have to keep secrets anymore.