Red Husband
New Here
Hello:
I suppose I should start out by saying that I am a, "supporter" of someone who suffers with PTSD due to a birth trauma.
Of course I didn't know PTSD could be generated by pretty much anything but combat experiences prior to my wife acquiring the condition during the birth of our daughter, and spending the next two and halfs experiencing it without knowing what it was(my grandfather still has flashbacks from World War II). Of course it did not help that the trauma that caused my wife's PTSD happened two months after my own father died from an inoperable form of cancer.
When the PTSD label finally came out into the open I thought, "Aha, now we can start to deal with it" -I am a technical problem solver sort of person-. That appears to have been an incorrect conclusion as there doesn't seem to be any helping of any kind I can do. Even the mention of wanting to help appears to wind up being an argument and somehow I end up feeling like I have done something wrong and she's mad at me again.
I feel miserable a lot I have to admit, and confused, let's not leave that out. There is no physical intimacy in our relationship -I can count on two hands the time we've had sex in the past three years-. Emotional intimacy is horrible as I am always censoring what I say and if I engage on what she talks about I wind up being the bad guy again somehow -I am always the one who is apologizing and trying to figure out what I have done wrong-.
We moved to another city to be close to her family -support group- two and half years ago and I don't fit in where we are living at all (woodsy guy in the concrete jungle). I have family living relatively close by but I find I feel so emotionally spent dealing with the constant egg-shells that I can't bring myself to go calling on them. Of course having moved away also means that now I am commuting back and forth from work.
I have my daughter whom I love so much and she is the glue that keeps me together. She is precious beyond words and I will endure anything for her while smiling when it happens so as to not upset her. But my daughter is starting to act out, I was told, because of my wife's anger management issues. No physical violence from any of the two as far as I know, but I have to admit I worry sometimes.
I am a positive person but this constant assault on my psyche weighs heavily on me some days. I feel so trapped by this and that makes me feel guilty because I'm not the one who is, "suffering" with the PTSD. Sometimes I think the role of a supporter is to just be an emotional punching bag and offer no opinions on anything because that could trigger another argument/fight.
It is so exhausting and unfulfilling. I feel like all I am is the person that pays for things sometimes. Just to be the smiling husband who makes the money to pay for things.
I'm not the one who, "suffers" PTSD, but I very much do suffer it. I suffer it every time I can't speak. Every time I can't be me. Every evening at home when I would like to hold my wife and yes, maybe even make love to her. Every time I feel confused when as simple talk about breakfast turns into a fight. Every time we go to a councilor. Every time I can't sleep at home or while I am away from my family at work because I'm so sad over what my life has become. I suffer it every day. I feel like I have been buried by it.
Of course I can't say that to her. Of course I don't have anyone to say this to at all. I write it here because I don't have anyway, or anyone else to express it too.
Over the top?
I suppose I should start out by saying that I am a, "supporter" of someone who suffers with PTSD due to a birth trauma.
Of course I didn't know PTSD could be generated by pretty much anything but combat experiences prior to my wife acquiring the condition during the birth of our daughter, and spending the next two and halfs experiencing it without knowing what it was(my grandfather still has flashbacks from World War II). Of course it did not help that the trauma that caused my wife's PTSD happened two months after my own father died from an inoperable form of cancer.
When the PTSD label finally came out into the open I thought, "Aha, now we can start to deal with it" -I am a technical problem solver sort of person-. That appears to have been an incorrect conclusion as there doesn't seem to be any helping of any kind I can do. Even the mention of wanting to help appears to wind up being an argument and somehow I end up feeling like I have done something wrong and she's mad at me again.
I feel miserable a lot I have to admit, and confused, let's not leave that out. There is no physical intimacy in our relationship -I can count on two hands the time we've had sex in the past three years-. Emotional intimacy is horrible as I am always censoring what I say and if I engage on what she talks about I wind up being the bad guy again somehow -I am always the one who is apologizing and trying to figure out what I have done wrong-.
We moved to another city to be close to her family -support group- two and half years ago and I don't fit in where we are living at all (woodsy guy in the concrete jungle). I have family living relatively close by but I find I feel so emotionally spent dealing with the constant egg-shells that I can't bring myself to go calling on them. Of course having moved away also means that now I am commuting back and forth from work.
I have my daughter whom I love so much and she is the glue that keeps me together. She is precious beyond words and I will endure anything for her while smiling when it happens so as to not upset her. But my daughter is starting to act out, I was told, because of my wife's anger management issues. No physical violence from any of the two as far as I know, but I have to admit I worry sometimes.
I am a positive person but this constant assault on my psyche weighs heavily on me some days. I feel so trapped by this and that makes me feel guilty because I'm not the one who is, "suffering" with the PTSD. Sometimes I think the role of a supporter is to just be an emotional punching bag and offer no opinions on anything because that could trigger another argument/fight.
It is so exhausting and unfulfilling. I feel like all I am is the person that pays for things sometimes. Just to be the smiling husband who makes the money to pay for things.
I'm not the one who, "suffers" PTSD, but I very much do suffer it. I suffer it every time I can't speak. Every time I can't be me. Every evening at home when I would like to hold my wife and yes, maybe even make love to her. Every time I feel confused when as simple talk about breakfast turns into a fight. Every time we go to a councilor. Every time I can't sleep at home or while I am away from my family at work because I'm so sad over what my life has become. I suffer it every day. I feel like I have been buried by it.
Of course I can't say that to her. Of course I don't have anyone to say this to at all. I write it here because I don't have anyway, or anyone else to express it too.
Over the top?
