Struggling in first relationship

[Elizabeth137]

I’m in my 30’s and just started dating my first boyfriend a few months ago. I am frustrated that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with him and then I feel like maybe I am overreacting and just not wanting to get over being sexually assaulted multiple times in the past because it gives me an excuse for not being happier with him and gives me an out in the relationship with him. I also think I am using it as an excuse because I am not comfortable with my body and don’t have a lot of self-esteem. Sometimes I feel like I just want to feel sorry for myself or want other people to feel bad for me and that what happened wasn’t really that bad and then I get frustrated with myself because if I really didn’t want what happened to happen then I should have done more. The whole thing just makes me mad and I want to just get over it but I feel like I keep getting in my own way.

I find it hard to have a balance between ignoring what happened and trying to get my feelings about it out because then I feel like I start to obsess over it and just feel bad about it. I try to figure out ways to hurry up and move on and I just get mad at myself that I’m not doing a better job. I’m not very good at trying to get rid of anxiety when I feel this way because I want to figure out why I feel how I do and why it feels like something is wrong with me rather than focusing on something else to get the anxiety to go away. Sometimes I think that I want to cry and I can't which makes me think I'm just faking how much the whole thing bothers me or that I just can't figure out how to express my feelings appropriately. Does anyone else sometimes feel like they just don’t want to get over what happened to them in the past?

 

[Friday]

I am frustrated that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with him and then I feel like maybe I am overreacting and just not wanting to get over being sexually assaulted multiple times in the past because it gives me an excuse for not being happier with him and gives me an out in the relationship with him.

It’s not unusual to not feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend/girlfriend of only a few months.

A few months? Barring EXTREME circumstances, is really not very long. It’s still solidly in the “getting to know you” /honeymoon period of the first 6mo. By which time? The overwhelming majority of relationships end.

6mo & 2 years are where MOST (over 80%) of relationships end. Of the few that make it longer, most then fail at 7 years. Past 7 years? The average drops to 50/50.

But, sure. Blame the sexual abuse. That keeps you from looking at HIM, and looking at YOU, and making any kind of real/rational decision. Also known as? Don’t do that. ESPECIALLY don’t let anyone else influence you to do that. Your history? Is only a piece of you. Not all of you.

AKA? For sure. A history of sexual assault will certainly influence things. Being new to dating? Also will. But it is INCREDIABLY dangerous to blame everything, on anything. Your history of sexual assault? Probably plays into your not being comfy with him. As does this being your first relationship. NEITHER will account for all your thoughts/feelings.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's really difficult to feel relaxed with another person intimately if you're not relaxed in you body on your own.
I had ingrained defences built in: blocking it all out so that I was detached from my body. That allowed me to be intimate without fear really. Then I started therapy and became aware of my body and learnt how to be comfortable in my body.

So, take it slow? Learn what works for you, what triggers you, what grounds you.
Learn to be ok in your body?

It takes time.

 

[OM_™]

Does anyone else sometimes feel like they just don’t want to get over what happened to them in the past?

Forty years ago, I had to have marriage counselling because of CSA; the psychologist accused me of holding onto the past and not wanting to get better. We've been together for 42 years (and just celebrated 40 years of marriage) but I still have triggers, flashbacks and nightmares. If you get cut you can't 'wish away' the scars and you shouldn't be expected to wish away the trauma. Not one day has passed since I lost my innocence as a 9yo boy, that I am not aware of the damage it has done to the core of my being; the emotional scars have not gone away but I have not let that stop me from having a good marriage.

I am frustrated that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with him and

It took me a long time to trust anybody and that's why I needed counselling to get married.

I'm 68 now and was diagnosed with CPTSD and MDD at 67 but I know that I have had depression and PTSD for almost all of my life.

Find yourself a good therapist. Not one that blames you for 'not wanting to get better' but one that can teach you how to have a better life with the cards that you have been dealt.

 

[abovedown]

I’m in my 30’s and just started dating my first boyfriend a few months ago. I am frustrated that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with him and then I feel like maybe I am overreacting and just not wanting to get over being sexually assaulted multiple times in the past because it gives me an excuse for not being happier with him and gives me an out in the relationship with him. I also think I am using it as an excuse because I am not comfortable with my body and don’t have a lot of self-esteem. Sometimes I feel like I just want to feel sorry for myself or want other people to feel bad for me and that what happened wasn’t really that bad and then I get frustrated with myself because if I really didn’t want what happened to happen then I should have done more. The whole thing just makes me mad and I want to just get over it but I feel like I keep getting in my own way.

Do you feel safe with the idea of being in an intimate relationship? I am just a lay person but it would make a lot of sense to me that after getting assaulted several times in the past anything to do with sex would be a scary thing. And if you are first time dating in a few months relationship it would be even more so.