Struggling On How To Be...

[spiritgirl]

I love someone very much who has PTSD.

He is 18 years Army (active) and has PTSD. He is aware of it and works through it most times. There is a situation where he is now in a custody battle with the mother of his kids, he is involved with a corporation who is pulling him, he is flat out running around various parts of the country from office to office for the army.

Here I am left, wondering... what the hell do I do?

We have been in a relationship for 9 months, and it's been extremely happy. 5 weeks ago his kids returned home and things went disastrously wrong with his ex and the kids hence the court issue. (we were fine and worked together through it). He hit depression and started to take his meds again and anxiety pills.

I pick up on his anxiety and so when it hits me I know it's hitting him. In the last two weeks he has been distant with me. He will still text me daily in the morning, but they are empty texts to what I have been used too, no substance. He has hardly called or wanted to talk.

He met my father on the Friday for the first time, then he went away with this company for a company 'retreat' and then I went away working for 2 weeks. In that time, he has just been distant, and not himself. Obviously I am wondering what I have done wrong? Has he been scared by meeting my dad? And am I putting too much pressure on? (I'm not sure how, I've been working away)

Any insight would be greatly received. Thank you so much... I just don't want to lose this man and I will do all I can to support him through this.

 

[Friday]

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

This is the basic one... The combat PTSD cup has a whole 'not her layer of stress added to it from training, but the concept is the same.

 

[spiritgirl]

Thank you for this and I understand PTSD however I'm struggling to work out how I should be.
He has said don't change, and has said to help him from not going off track with the questions for court etc. but does this mean I should not text, call, have expectations etc.

I try and follow his lead but I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing.

 

[AnnaLost]

I'm sorry you're going through this. As someone with PTSD, who also dated someone with PTSD (and still remains good friends with same) I can only tell you what I have experienced.

When I am stressed, I pull back. Like a turtle into a shell. My responses are brief, and never touch on anything heavy, because it's all I can do to breathe some days. Instead of full sentences in texts, I'll do emoji's. That is so that my supporters know I'm still here and kickin. The last thing I want is one of them showing up at my door when I need to isolate.

For my friend who has PTSD, I recognize the same behavior. I support him by not pushing, and continuing to do my own things, and live my life. I continue to send texts, but I can tell by his responses (he reverts to one word or emoji's when he's stressed too) when to send fewer communications and to keep things very, very light. I pull back and give him space, but I keep the line of communication going with gentle funny things once or twice a day, maybe less (we share the same very raunchy & twisted sense of humor). I never, ever have the expectation that he HAS to answer. After a few days, he always originates something back, usually in the same light tone. After a couple of weeks, we have a conversation that goes deeper. Then one of us has our cup overflow...rinse and repeat.

I hope that helps. Only you can decide what you want/expect/need from the relationship. Good luck.

 

[Ronin]

but does this mean I should not text, call

I'd ask him all of this.

Where do you need me, in what ways, how often, and who should I interact with and how to support you and not be in your way.

Then sticking to the agreement & alternating it as necessary. Sounds plainer than it is.

& there's a cycle of learning for him too, in that. Want something, communicate it in a way your endlessly patient girlfriend can follow and in a way that's sensitive.

Does it mean you should give up your emotionality? Nope. That much he can't expect or demand or want. The rest? Is very up to agreements between you two.

Good luck getting through all the struggles. (As in: You'll make it, give it your best & stick by one another, good luck.)