Struggling To Hold On.......

[dakoda]

My husband has combat PTSD, diagnosed last xmas. It's been a rough year to say the least. He has done everything in his power to push me away, to some extent I think I pushed too. Two months into his tour to Afghanistan he hit an IED. I found out about it on his break home. Then as he went back I prepared myself for him not to come home. IT was the longest most hellish time of my life until recently. He left me about 7 weeks ago.....said he was making the decision that I wouldn't. He says he loves me, believes in me, trusts me, but...... I can do better.....I need to move on.

So he's spent the last several weeks trying to poke the bear, trying to get me to be mad at him, hate him, say!@#@ this I'm outta here. Three weeks ago during a councelling appointment he felt pushed into the corner and like he was being attacked, the councellor left us to talk by ourselves....well I can't talk, I'm way too emotional at this point......and just like some have said on this forum.....his eyes glazed over.....he turned to stone......and took his ring off and said "I'm not coming home".

Since this he has tried to engage me on almost a daily basis, through our girls, through texts and last night on the phone. I've become kind of indifferent to everything right now. I know the PTSD is playing a role in this so I'm trying not to take everything personal. He asked me at the beginning for space, said we're just living under different roofs. Ok.....I'm giving him space, control, responsibility.......

He asks everyone else how I'm doing.....how I feel, but he can't and won't ask me!!! I'm so confused. Yes he's in treatment....just getting to the hard stuff and he can't think or make decisions he tells me.....I blame the insane cocktail of drugs he's on.

So he partying it up with the boys......and I'm left here feeling lost and confused!!! No one around me can figure it out either. Oh wait.....he's cut everyone off that matters to him except for the boys.

 

[Ron]

Take care of yourself and love yourself. You have done your part. I would move on. Do what's best for you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

So sorry to hear this! I can't even imagine the pain of losing him, not to the war, but to the side effects going to war!

The best you can do, is pray for him to realize he will have to work hard to reclaim his life. You can't do it for him!

Blessings to you!!

 

[dakoda]

Ron, I wish I could.....we've been together for 9 years. I said my vows to him two years ago knowing he had PTSD and it was going to be a rough road, but I meant every word! I realize it's easier to leave...... but he is the love of my life. I'm trying to be patient as I know that's what he needs. Two weeks ago he said to me, "I want to be in your lives after this is all said and done, will I still be?"

 

[wife of]

The right thing is'nt always easy and the easy thing isn't always right..
Hugs to you hunny,You are not alone,there are lots of us in the same boat here.x

 

[Nicolette]

So he partying it up with the boys......and I'm left here feeling lost and confused!!! No one around me can figure it out either. Oh wait.....he's cut everyone off that matters to him except for the boys.

Welcome Dakoda and sorry to hear of your situation. While it is no comfort, I understand that what you describe is common for uncontrolled PTSD. The possible reason for the boys is that they really require no emotional involvement - it's just party, numbness and probably a whole lot of talking rubbish with nothing important discussed. It sounds as if he is at a stage where he can't cope emotionally and that would be likely the reason for him pulling away yet asking others how you are.

When he talks to you, as you matter, there are consequences and ramifications which he is possibly not capable of dealing with right now - that's why it's easier to ask people who know you - he gets the answer and little else where with you who knows where that question may lead the conversation or how it may add to his guilt/shame or whatever he is feeling.

My husband, who is a combat veteran, describes a similar situation when he first lost it (I didn't know him then) and he partied hard for two years. He left his marriage too.This might help you with some insight [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/about-anthony-parsons.13887/[/DLMURL]

I hope the journey becomes easier for both of you.

 

[wife of]

It's kind of an "I can't deal with any stressors be they good or bad,so lets just throw it all out of the window and pretend it's not there" thing.Unfortunatly the good gets launched along with the bad.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Dakoda, So sorry to hear your story. It brought tears to my eyes because some of what you said sounds like I said it. My husband came home 2 months ago from Afganistan and I never guessed what I was in for. I knew he had lost some buddies and he had said before he came home that this deployment had warn him out like no other. I knew it was a longer deployment, he had never lost any body before and there were times he went up to 3 weeks with out a shower and wasn't able to call home nearly as often and I thought that was all he meant.

He came home telling me that if he let me go, I would have no problem finding someone else. I could find some body who was better for me. We've been married 17 years and have two girls ages 6 and 11. It was not at all the home coming I had expected. At that time I knew little about PTSD. I expected him to come home and have night mares on occasion, that was it.

I started looking up all I could on combat PTSD and pointed out to him his symptoms and asked him to see a counselor. He agreed and was able to get in the next week. The same day he made his appointment though he told me he was moving out. He said we shouldn't have to be around him while he's going through this stuff. I know exactly what you mean when you say his deployment was the longest most hellish thing you had experienced until now. It's heart breaking. It's a totally different kind of pain.

You said your husband is going through the worst part of therapy, I hear it gets worse before better. I know its not much to hold onto but he's asking others about you, so it appears he still cares. I know what you mean about being confused. Confused is my middle name these days.

You found your way to this forum and you'll find lots of us with similiar stories. It helps to be able to vent to others who know what your talking about and you know now your not alone. Keep posting, Take care

 

[dakoda]

Are there any happy endings out there? I suppose those with happy endings don't need support!

Thanks Wife of and Navy Spouse, right now I just need to know I'm not alone.

My hubby has felt like I don't deserve him for a while.....I don't feel I'm holding onto fantacy.....I just want my husband to know he does deserve me and that I'm still here. I know he's drowning and all I can do right now is throw out out a line. I will not let this be at the cost of myself.....I am moving forward....slowly......day by day. I just hope he grabs the line.

 

[Nicolette]

Are there any happy endings out there? I suppose those with happy endings don't need support!

I think there are happy endings and those ones doing well probably wouldn't need to frequent here like someone in the midst of it all like yourself.

That being said we have a good marriage and we are here most days. PTSD still rares its head from time to time in our marriage and it's coming up to 5 years down the track for me. There are still times when I need support despite all I know and I am sure my husband does also. I stay on this forum to try and help others for the majority of my time but there are times when I still feel alone despite knowing how good I have it compared to some of the stories I read on here.

Dealing with PTSD is very isolating so I am glad you found us here so you can share your situation with those who have an understanding of the debilitating illness. I hope you feel less alone being here.

 

[Ron]

On second thought, I think I really meant by "moving on" is to keep your life moving even though your relationship is up in the air.:)

 

[dakoda]

Ok so today he drops the kids off after having them for the weekend and seems a little frazzled. I say what happened. He's mad...probably at himself.....but I asked him to do 2 things with the girls and the results were out of his control, so he didn't get them done. I say....no problem.

We go outside to sit on the deck for a while and shoot the --- so to speak. We talk about the girls and the dogs. Then the conversation dies.....so I'm calm and I say to him. Are you scare to ask me what I think about the jeep? He just bought a jeep last week. He said what do you think about the jeep? I replied I'm really happy for you, you've always wanted one and the truck needed to be replaced. I am hurt though that I don't get to be part of the excitement. He was actually listening so I thought this was the time to get a coulple of things off my chest and clear the air. CAMLY!!!! I told him that I felt he didn't respect me when he doesn't ask me what I think isn't honest with me. And that I was respecting him by giving him what he asked for: space, responsibility with the kids and responsibility with the finances (ie. the jeep, I didn't say a word). I told him that I was making myself happy and that I am a strong woman and that I will get through this. That I get that he islolates and that it's easier to be with the boys than with me and my emotions, but that we need to learn to communicate differently, even if we don't end up together for our girls we need to learn to communicate. I took lots of breaths inbetween so I could pause and let him hear me. I said I know you get overwhelmed sometimes and I need you to tell me your having a bad day. I said I trust you, I trust that you are doing what you think is best for you,.....us....and the girls. I'm blindly following you. I just want to be a part of your good days.

I then told him I didn't want him to respond to me I was just telling him my feelings and asked if he wanted help putting the soft top on the jeep? We went out and for an hour and a half fiddled with it. Then he says why don't we pile the girls in and go for icecream. Then we went over to our married friend's house to show off the jeep. It was nice. When we got home I said thanks for taking us out and goodbye. I think he like it too. I'm positive for now....... I just hope it lasts.

He never told me NO when I mentioned whether we end up together or NO when I said I want to be part of his good days.