• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Struggling to stay afloat.

LittlestBird

Learning
My therapist asked me last week if I have a plan to commit suicide and I told her no, that I just suffer from suicidal ideation and I think a lot about hanging myself off of my back deck or cutting myself in the bath tub and watching the water turn red as I calm down (I'm a cutter and have attempted suicide before, but with medication). She got concerned and told me that those are suicide plans and wants to get me into a full day program where I'd go to the hospital all day and come home at night. It surprised me because I didn't consider those plans, I guess because I haven't purchased the rope or knife that I would actually use, even though I've looked at both and chosen them. I figure if those items are not in my home or actually on order, then it's not a real plan, even if I think about it a lot.

I do feel incredibly down, though, and I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately and I just sit around crying a lot. I feel like my entire life has been hard and traumatic and then I met my boyfriend and we spent 8 years together where I really did feel happy and safe for the first time in my life. I felt things that I didn't think I was capable of feeling. Then he had a relapse of his own combat related PTSD and started accusing me of things that I didn't do and he isn't sure of anything anymore and kicked me out of our home and my entire life just changed literally overnight and I lost my main support person. One day we were happy and in love and looking forward to buying a new home together to be closer to the ocean and then the next day he "couldn't feel anything for me, not love or caring at all" and wasn't sure of anything and he can't ever answer a straightforward question, I just get, "I'm trying to figure things out." I don't even know what he is actually trying to figure out. I feel lost and lonely and like I'm waiting to see if I get my life back or things are well and truly over between us. I don't even know what getting back together would look like at this point because he's been treating me so badly for 5 months now and that has messed me up. He is supposed to be going on medication soon and I'm hoping that does something good for us and I'm hoping I can get back to a place of trust and love myself, though I don't know where to begin with that either...

I had, in my head, that all of the trauma and pain that I went through my whole life was worth it because it made me who I am and got me to my boyfriend, into a real and happy relationship that made it all worth it. I had a belief system that all of the pain and trauma was worth it to find him and that now my life was going to be happy and good. With him gone (texting me a couple times a week and always telling me that he's trying to figure things out while I just.. wait and hurt), I feel worse than ever and more confused than ever. I find myself looking at my life as a whole and just bawling my eyes out and I don't understand the point of anything and I don't see anything that I want in my future anymore. If I'm just going to keep getting betrayed and hurt and I can't trust anyone ever and these shocking, traumatic, confusing things are just going to keep happening to me, then I don't really want to be alive. Being alive has felt like being tortured and set up to get hurt, over and over. Even if my partner is able to heal and want to get back together at this point, I don't know that I can make myself okay or open up to him again. I feel so broken.

I have cancer and I've been avoiding my appointments because I keep thinking that if it just spreads and I die of cancer, then the couple people in my family who love me will be sad, but it won't be so bad because they'll think that it was out of my hands. Unfortunately, it's a type of cancer that isn't likely to spread aggressively. I basically just sit all day and stare at the walls or click around a little online. I've stopped eating. I feel frustrated and I hate myself and want to tear myself to shreds. I'm angry that I let myself open up to anyone in the first place, angry that I'm still alive, angry that I can't see a way out of the bad place that I'm in right now, angry at my abusers and at my partner for suddenly reminding me of them, angry at being stuck in limbo, angry at how sick I am and how I can't figure anything out either. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself.

I feel so tired and I don't see a way out of my own feelings. It took a lot out of me to trust a man and be with my partner and now I can't trust him either. I don't think I will ever be able to enter into another relationship again. I have zero interest. When I was with my partner, I was getting over my agoraphobia and I could sleep through the night and I felt safe with him. Now I can't leave my house again without having a panic attack and feeling like I'm going to suffocate, I take insomnia medication mixed with anxiety meds and pain meds and I still can't sleep, my anxiety gets so high as the sun goes down, and my flashbacks and nightmares are terrible again. I'm losing chunks of time and forgetting where I am and I'm doing weird things. My partner wanted to isolate and "needed space" and now I find myself doing the same thing, isolating from everyone. I know that I'm not going to go into the program that my therapist wants me in because I won't be able to handle leaving my own house for that long during the day and I'm not going to be okay. I feel like my past traumas are melting together with my current traumas and I just cannot function anymore and I don't really want to try anymore either. I feel hurt and anxious and scared almost constantly. Jittery.

Does anyone have advice for dealing with when things get this bad or even books or other sites or quotes that they would recommend?
 
I'm sorry for what you're going through. When I was this bad off, I would pick one thing to do every day. Just one small thing, then make myself do it. It added up after a while and I was able to do more and more. I had cancer too, in remission now. You are going through a lot and anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed. Try the one thing. If you have to break it down into smaller steps, do that. You are worth it.
 
the last time i went through a crippling round of this, i went for the "fake it 'till ya make it" approach. i was feeling too apathetic to want much of anything, but i pushed myself to do things i have herstorically loved, anyway. i felt something close to criminal for sitting on my favorite river banks and sighing, "ho hum," but eventually the beauty thawed my heart. on the most apathetic of days, it was still better than sighing through the aches and pains of too much time in bed.

steadying support while you find what work for you, bird.
i got some rope, if you want to borrow it. i'll loan you the one i use to hang chickens by their feat for the unmentionable deed.
 
I'm sorry for what you're going through. When I was this bad off, I would pick one thing to do every day. Just one small thing, then make myself do it. It added up after a while and I was able to do more and more. I had cancer too, in remission now. You are going through a lot and anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed. Try the one thing. If you have to break it down into smaller steps, do that. You are worth it.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I like to write and make lists, so I took your advice and did that these past few days, just made a to-do list of things I should do and things I might want to do or eat at some point, and things I'm trying to remember, and it does make me feel better to scratch things off of the list and to be keeping track of things. I feel more organized and things feel more manageable. I get depressed and forget to do even the little things.

the last time i went through a crippling round of this, i went for the "fake it 'till ya make it" approach. i was feeling too apathetic to want much of anything, but i pushed myself to do things i have herstorically loved, anyway. i felt something close to criminal for sitting on my favorite river banks and sighing, "ho hum," but eventually the beauty thawed my heart. on the most apathetic of days, it was still better than sighing through the aches and pains of too much time in bed.

steadying support while you find what work for you, bird.
i got some rope, if you want to borrow it. i'll loan you the one i use to hang chickens by their feat for the unmentionable deed.
I've noticed that I'm better off on days when I interact with my nephew (when he wants to play a game online) because I pretend to be fine and fun and happy, so that makes sense (the fake it until you make it). In 5 weeks, I'm moving to live with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and nephew, so I know that they will start pushing me to do things. I am sure I will be better off around them because they will make me go to my doctor's appointments and drag me out of the house. They definitely will not let me isolate and lay around full of self-pity and frozen.

The day program your therapist suggested, if she knows of a great place, sounds like the best available option. In no small part, because of exactly why you don’t want to go.
I've procrastinated long enough on that. I move in less than 5 weeks now and it's an 8 week program, so I don't qualify for it anymore. I actually have to find a new therapist entirely in a few weeks after I move, but that might be for the best anyhow. It's hard to find a therapist that doesn't seem overwhelmed by my trauma and the dissociative identity disorder and suicidal ideation.

My mood swings are all over the place. I think I made it through the worst of it and I'm feeling pretty okay and then suddenly I'm angry and sobbing and wanting to hurt myself and then suddenly I'm sad and all I want is my partner and then I want nothing to do with him and I'm like good riddance if you care so little for me. I hate how much his trauma has triggered my abandonment issues.
 
I can relate to much of how you've expressed feeling @LittlestBird . I'm very sorry for all you are going through.

I think there is possibly a 3rd option in perspective: that he loved you but was too ill to come through. Your cancer and a fear of loss may have set his own abandonment issues off, who knows? Sounds like he too ended up in a self-fulfilling prophesy. You paid the price, yet were not likely the real cause.

One small step at a time, acknowledge however you feel is ok, and maybe keep the To-Do list to 5 items at a time.

Big hugs for you.
 
I can relate to much of how you've expressed feeling @LittlestBird . I'm very sorry for all you are going through.

I think there is possibly a 3rd option in perspective: that he loved you but was too ill to come through. Your cancer and a fear of loss may have set his own abandonment issues off, who knows? Sounds like he too ended up in a self-fulfilling prophesy. You paid the price, yet were not likely the real cause.

One small step at a time, acknowledge however you feel is ok, and maybe keep the To-Do list to 5 items at a time.

Big hugs for you.

My partner was already isolating and treating me differently for about 3 1/2 months before I told him about my having thyroid cancer, and he didn't particularly care that I have cancer, as sad as that sounds. He was actually somewhat mocking about it when I found out that my best friend's husband has stage 2 colon cancer around the same time, made a snippy comment about, "Oh, I guess everyone has cancer now. Whatever. None of it even makes any sense." He keeps accusing me of lying about everything, so maybe he thinks I'm lying about my cancer and other people having it (even though he's well aware of my medical history and I've been going to the doctor about this for a while now and am regularly tested because I keep growing nodules). Who knows. He isn't rational at all and he is completely self-absorbed at this point. He was always a bit self-absorbed and on the more selfish side of things, but now he can't see anything or anyone but himself. He thinks I caused what he is feeling right now and that it isn't his PTSD even though he has all the symptoms of PTSD relapse and, when I ask him, he can't give me any examples of what I did wrong to make him "reach his limit with me." He got like this right after a rough interview where they grilled him about his top secret clearance and military background and divorce and then got into a huge fight with his ex-wife and son. That was clearly the trigger. But not to him. To him, everything is my fault for mysterious reasons that he can't explain, and I don't matter anymore.

I told him off on Friday because he's been completely insensitive to me and keeps triggering me and I told him that I am a human being with feelings and he isn't more important than me and his life wasn't harder or more traumatic than mine. I'm in the middle of trying to move, getting permits for everything, and organizing my insurance and surgeries that I need and I shouldn't have to deal with his randomly being hurtful on top of it. Now he has, predictably, ghosted me. I don't even know what I feel about it. I suspected that a total ghosting was coming after reading so many posts here. Today, currently, I think I'm pretty numb. I'm tired of nothing making sense and getting blamed for everything and having things made up about me. The noise that he has been creating in my head is bad and dangerous for me. Making me feel like I have to defend myself against these irrational things and making me question myself and if I did do something bad even though I know that I didn't... If I did do something, he would have an example of it and he doesn't. He's making me feel completely unhinged. Like he has me searching to try to find some way that I was bad and I deserve all of this to make sense of him turning on me and saying he reached his limit with me and I made him feel bad.
 
Hi! We are so glad that you are part of the forum. First, I want to address the suicide ideation. People who commit suicide never have the opportunity to work out their problems. We don't know what lies on the other side as it may be worse than what we are dealing with. I am not willing to take the risk of the unknown. In addition, those people who love you would never recover. They would blame themselves and it would impact every area of their lives. Our self talk and thinking guides our decisions. That is why it is so important to love yourself and to treat yourself well. Your self talk and thinking need to be your allies. We can rewire our brains by reframing both our self talk and thinking. by looking at things in a more positive manner. I takes time, but it has been scientifically proven to work for thousands of people.
Example: You wake up in the morning with a heavy cloud of depression. The first thing you may think or say to yourself is "God I am so depressed, and I will never get over this. I am just going to stay in bed all day." Try this instead, "Hello depression, I see that you are still here. Instead of you controlling me, I am going to manage you today. It may not be easy but you are not going to bully me into doing nothing." Then, get your butt up out of bed and get busy. You need a structured routine to get you moving first thing each morning. Here is an example of what I do:
Make bed
Take shower
Dress
Coffee, orange juice and toast
Journal
Write a list of goals for the day in your journal
2 mile vigorous walk or run
Meditate
Tackle my goals one at a time starting with easiest one and get on with my day.

If you wait until your good feelings kick in to get moving, it ain't gonna happen. Get moving first. Be good to yourself and compliment yourself throughout the day whenever you do something no matter how small. Journaling is very therapeutic and will help get those addictive thoughts from looping and out of your head.

Meditation can be very beneficial. You have to learn how to do it. The good results may take a little while but it is well worth it. There are plenty of resources on the internet.

When disturbing thoughts enter your psyche, just notice them but don't ever engage with them because this only energizes them and they want to take you over. Disturbing thoughts are bullies and you can't reason with a bully. The secret is to not engage with them.

You have to be your best friend by being kind to yourself in every situation. You cannot change the past. Rumination does not improve the situation. I understand your reasons for cutting as it may give you short term relief from what is bothering you. This is not healthy.
Try something that will help you feel better about yourself. Pick up the phone and call someone. Meditate for a few minutes. Take a shower. Do something immediately that will get you into a different frame of mind. Say to yourself, "I am going to treat my body well because I like who I am." If you say positive things enough you will start believing them.

Please remember that you have a choice. You do not have to be a victim. A victim gives up. They don't try to resolve issues. They become stuck in the same unhealthy thinking patterns. I don't think you are a victim! You can easily become what you think and say to yourself. Starting right now, make your decisions based upon your principles and values. Be guided by your moral compass. I know you can do it. Life is in the future and you have alot of life to live. I have faith that you are going to turn things around!
 
Several of my friends and family members have committed suicide, so I understand the impact that it leaves behind, and that's something that I try to remind myself of and think that I don't want my nephew, sister, brother-in-law, or mother to have to deal with. I still often wonder why the people I've lost "didn't just call me" before they did it and I know my family would have the same lingering questions and hurt if I killed myself. I've seen how suicide always leaves lasting damage on the people that were closest and left behind.

I've been trying really hard to do what you've said the past couple days, trying to reframe my negative self-talk into something positive and noticing when I'm being negative. My therapists have always done grounding work with me to notice things in my physical space and draw me back to reality, and I'm trying to add on a, "Notice something that you love or that's beautiful or that's funny or anything connected with something positive."

I've been trying to get up and get going again, physically, but that is even more of a struggle. I feel afraid and anxious a lot of the time and I find it so hard to get anything done or to actually enjoy anything. The stress has made my pain and joint problems worse, has made everything worse. I worked out a bit today and the pain afterwards has been intense.
 
Back
Top