LittlestBird
Learning
My therapist asked me last week if I have a plan to commit suicide and I told her no, that I just suffer from suicidal ideation and I think a lot about hanging myself off of my back deck or cutting myself in the bath tub and watching the water turn red as I calm down (I'm a cutter and have attempted suicide before, but with medication). She got concerned and told me that those are suicide plans and wants to get me into a full day program where I'd go to the hospital all day and come home at night. It surprised me because I didn't consider those plans, I guess because I haven't purchased the rope or knife that I would actually use, even though I've looked at both and chosen them. I figure if those items are not in my home or actually on order, then it's not a real plan, even if I think about it a lot.
I do feel incredibly down, though, and I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately and I just sit around crying a lot. I feel like my entire life has been hard and traumatic and then I met my boyfriend and we spent 8 years together where I really did feel happy and safe for the first time in my life. I felt things that I didn't think I was capable of feeling. Then he had a relapse of his own combat related PTSD and started accusing me of things that I didn't do and he isn't sure of anything anymore and kicked me out of our home and my entire life just changed literally overnight and I lost my main support person. One day we were happy and in love and looking forward to buying a new home together to be closer to the ocean and then the next day he "couldn't feel anything for me, not love or caring at all" and wasn't sure of anything and he can't ever answer a straightforward question, I just get, "I'm trying to figure things out." I don't even know what he is actually trying to figure out. I feel lost and lonely and like I'm waiting to see if I get my life back or things are well and truly over between us. I don't even know what getting back together would look like at this point because he's been treating me so badly for 5 months now and that has messed me up. He is supposed to be going on medication soon and I'm hoping that does something good for us and I'm hoping I can get back to a place of trust and love myself, though I don't know where to begin with that either...
I had, in my head, that all of the trauma and pain that I went through my whole life was worth it because it made me who I am and got me to my boyfriend, into a real and happy relationship that made it all worth it. I had a belief system that all of the pain and trauma was worth it to find him and that now my life was going to be happy and good. With him gone (texting me a couple times a week and always telling me that he's trying to figure things out while I just.. wait and hurt), I feel worse than ever and more confused than ever. I find myself looking at my life as a whole and just bawling my eyes out and I don't understand the point of anything and I don't see anything that I want in my future anymore. If I'm just going to keep getting betrayed and hurt and I can't trust anyone ever and these shocking, traumatic, confusing things are just going to keep happening to me, then I don't really want to be alive. Being alive has felt like being tortured and set up to get hurt, over and over. Even if my partner is able to heal and want to get back together at this point, I don't know that I can make myself okay or open up to him again. I feel so broken.
I have cancer and I've been avoiding my appointments because I keep thinking that if it just spreads and I die of cancer, then the couple people in my family who love me will be sad, but it won't be so bad because they'll think that it was out of my hands. Unfortunately, it's a type of cancer that isn't likely to spread aggressively. I basically just sit all day and stare at the walls or click around a little online. I've stopped eating. I feel frustrated and I hate myself and want to tear myself to shreds. I'm angry that I let myself open up to anyone in the first place, angry that I'm still alive, angry that I can't see a way out of the bad place that I'm in right now, angry at my abusers and at my partner for suddenly reminding me of them, angry at being stuck in limbo, angry at how sick I am and how I can't figure anything out either. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself.
I feel so tired and I don't see a way out of my own feelings. It took a lot out of me to trust a man and be with my partner and now I can't trust him either. I don't think I will ever be able to enter into another relationship again. I have zero interest. When I was with my partner, I was getting over my agoraphobia and I could sleep through the night and I felt safe with him. Now I can't leave my house again without having a panic attack and feeling like I'm going to suffocate, I take insomnia medication mixed with anxiety meds and pain meds and I still can't sleep, my anxiety gets so high as the sun goes down, and my flashbacks and nightmares are terrible again. I'm losing chunks of time and forgetting where I am and I'm doing weird things. My partner wanted to isolate and "needed space" and now I find myself doing the same thing, isolating from everyone. I know that I'm not going to go into the program that my therapist wants me in because I won't be able to handle leaving my own house for that long during the day and I'm not going to be okay. I feel like my past traumas are melting together with my current traumas and I just cannot function anymore and I don't really want to try anymore either. I feel hurt and anxious and scared almost constantly. Jittery.
Does anyone have advice for dealing with when things get this bad or even books or other sites or quotes that they would recommend?
I do feel incredibly down, though, and I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately and I just sit around crying a lot. I feel like my entire life has been hard and traumatic and then I met my boyfriend and we spent 8 years together where I really did feel happy and safe for the first time in my life. I felt things that I didn't think I was capable of feeling. Then he had a relapse of his own combat related PTSD and started accusing me of things that I didn't do and he isn't sure of anything anymore and kicked me out of our home and my entire life just changed literally overnight and I lost my main support person. One day we were happy and in love and looking forward to buying a new home together to be closer to the ocean and then the next day he "couldn't feel anything for me, not love or caring at all" and wasn't sure of anything and he can't ever answer a straightforward question, I just get, "I'm trying to figure things out." I don't even know what he is actually trying to figure out. I feel lost and lonely and like I'm waiting to see if I get my life back or things are well and truly over between us. I don't even know what getting back together would look like at this point because he's been treating me so badly for 5 months now and that has messed me up. He is supposed to be going on medication soon and I'm hoping that does something good for us and I'm hoping I can get back to a place of trust and love myself, though I don't know where to begin with that either...
I had, in my head, that all of the trauma and pain that I went through my whole life was worth it because it made me who I am and got me to my boyfriend, into a real and happy relationship that made it all worth it. I had a belief system that all of the pain and trauma was worth it to find him and that now my life was going to be happy and good. With him gone (texting me a couple times a week and always telling me that he's trying to figure things out while I just.. wait and hurt), I feel worse than ever and more confused than ever. I find myself looking at my life as a whole and just bawling my eyes out and I don't understand the point of anything and I don't see anything that I want in my future anymore. If I'm just going to keep getting betrayed and hurt and I can't trust anyone ever and these shocking, traumatic, confusing things are just going to keep happening to me, then I don't really want to be alive. Being alive has felt like being tortured and set up to get hurt, over and over. Even if my partner is able to heal and want to get back together at this point, I don't know that I can make myself okay or open up to him again. I feel so broken.
I have cancer and I've been avoiding my appointments because I keep thinking that if it just spreads and I die of cancer, then the couple people in my family who love me will be sad, but it won't be so bad because they'll think that it was out of my hands. Unfortunately, it's a type of cancer that isn't likely to spread aggressively. I basically just sit all day and stare at the walls or click around a little online. I've stopped eating. I feel frustrated and I hate myself and want to tear myself to shreds. I'm angry that I let myself open up to anyone in the first place, angry that I'm still alive, angry that I can't see a way out of the bad place that I'm in right now, angry at my abusers and at my partner for suddenly reminding me of them, angry at being stuck in limbo, angry at how sick I am and how I can't figure anything out either. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself.
I feel so tired and I don't see a way out of my own feelings. It took a lot out of me to trust a man and be with my partner and now I can't trust him either. I don't think I will ever be able to enter into another relationship again. I have zero interest. When I was with my partner, I was getting over my agoraphobia and I could sleep through the night and I felt safe with him. Now I can't leave my house again without having a panic attack and feeling like I'm going to suffocate, I take insomnia medication mixed with anxiety meds and pain meds and I still can't sleep, my anxiety gets so high as the sun goes down, and my flashbacks and nightmares are terrible again. I'm losing chunks of time and forgetting where I am and I'm doing weird things. My partner wanted to isolate and "needed space" and now I find myself doing the same thing, isolating from everyone. I know that I'm not going to go into the program that my therapist wants me in because I won't be able to handle leaving my own house for that long during the day and I'm not going to be okay. I feel like my past traumas are melting together with my current traumas and I just cannot function anymore and I don't really want to try anymore either. I feel hurt and anxious and scared almost constantly. Jittery.
Does anyone have advice for dealing with when things get this bad or even books or other sites or quotes that they would recommend?