Struggling To Tell Loved Ones About Self Harm ...

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The title says it all really.
I had a really bad night of nightmares, and I caved in.
I drank a fair bit of wine, I took a diazepam 5mg btw, I smoked some weed.
All to try and settle my mind, (even though I know all of those things are not the answer).
But I did, and I finally caved in to cutting.
My wrists, which I haven't done in years, simply because they're the most visible.
I've slept away from my partner, downstairs for 2 nights now, purely because I've shut down.
(I hate being a burden, I hate telling my loved ones that I hate myself, that sometimes I just want to pure and simple, punish myself, or that I don't want to be near anybody but myself.)
This morning he comes down for me, so I spend a brief amount of time with him in the morning, a conversation happens, quite innocently, but it triggered the jealousy and paranoia in me, I get defensive, we both become upset, or so what I could tell he did?
The conversation was about women dressing a certain way, but I came back with, well that's what some people watch porn for, for the way the women are on there... I did call him a hypocrite... Which I apologise if this upsets anybody at all... I'm open about porn, I watch it myself, but at that moment in time, I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. This also goes back to my ex-abusive relationship, something i'm quite touchy on...
I also find out he's been messaging my best friend about me, she knows how i am right now... And i do understand that he has to speak to someone himself, but that triggered me too.
Back to when my mother and my ex abuser spoke on the phone all night, my mother explaining all my weaknesses and mental health issues, which he later went on to abuse.
So I go back downstairs, he realises haven't come back up, and it's upset him more.
We message over phones, it gets a little heated, and I cave in.
I cut, I punch, I cut.
Then I went for the diaze, the weed and the wine again, just to try and shut myself up, send me into sleep.
I never know what to do, to fix things, to get myself better, my ptsd is at a high right now.
I'm shutting down more than ever. And i'm turning to newer things to help myself.
I don't like to upset my loved ones, so I avoid letting them find out I've self harmed, but obviously, with a partner it's a little more difficult :(
I don't whether this is a question or a rant, but either way, it's distracted me temporarily from doing anything else right now ...

 

[Muted]

I'm so sorry for your struggles right now, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.
Is there someone you can call?

Do you feel like you're a danger to yourself right now?

 

[fkgjlgjltjhljhlkgmn]

I thank you Gia for your reply ...
I eventually caved in to a fair bit of harm, I kept it hidden, and the next day things between me and my partner cropped up, I told him of what I did. Obviously, this hurt him, he questioned me endlessly on why, how would it affect others, what if this or that, if others would come to copying. The guilt never ends.
It's out in the open, and I try to explain my reasoning, but I hate admitting, I hate the concern in their eyes.
I reached out to my half-brother, asking to have a conversation, but he has a full plate himself, and he didn't respond.
With never discussing it with my closest, or even anyone near me, I don't know who to turn to, or what to turn to.
I'm scared of the repercussions my confessions may/may not? cause.
I'm not at my worst point to do anything more severe, ideas cross my mind, but I mostly stick to these few "coping mechanisms"
Again, I thank you for your reply.

 

[mrsmegan]

I am so sorry. Owning up to self-harm is so hard, especially when you know that you are upsetting other people. It's also so hard because you are hurting so much.

I have had to make it very clear to my husband that guilt does nothing, it only makes it worse. I have already cut - it's done - now I need love and comfort. The more guilt and shame he piles on, the more likely it is that I either do it again and/or stop talking about it with him.

Do you have a therapist?

We are here for you.