DID Struggling with alters.

[Bluepopsicle]

I just don't know where to start. I have these alters and I have been aware of them about two years. And looking back, im amazed how no one ever told me before (or did and I forgot ;) Anyway. I have this huge problem and it affects my relationship with men (especially) because some of these alters try to "protect" me by sabotaging this relationship or/and giving "opinions" and "facts" to make me really confused and I start really think "wow, maby this person really is what they say he is" It's sounds crazy to me too, but my point is: Im so confused that I really don't know anymore can I trust this person who I was in relationship or not.. Do anyone else have confusion like in relationships and with alters who have different opinions of people and how to know for sure when they really are protective, and when they actually try to sabotage? Obviously I got triggered by this person many times before and lost my trust in him...

 

[Megyn]

I just don't know where to start. I have these alters and I have been aware of them about two year...

Holy crap, I'm going thru that right now.
But it might be different? Let me explain briefly:
My fiance might say something off-handedly that really means nothing to anyone else. Sometimes things that would not have triggered me a year ago, trigger me today. And vice versa. Talk about crazy, if he said the word "she" this time last year I'd be triggered, but not today. Anyways, if the trigger throws into a flashback/little Megyn, I'm scared of him, I "hate" him, I can't look at his face, I won't let him look at me. I don't trust him, not in a "I think he's going to cheat on me" way, but in a, for lack if a better word, sinister way. Like he's up to something or has an ulterior motive for being with me, etc. I can become extremely cold, condescending, nitpick his words, manipulate them so I have a "reason" to be mad at him (if I move into the beligerent(sp?) teenager). In these states, I want to leave him, for a myriad of "reasons", none of which are true in the present day. After this, which cld be days, I sort of erupt in that I finally am able to tell him what happened (being triggered/in a flashback). Then I'm all contrite and overly loving. Until the next cycle, which has been pretty much weekly the last 6 months.

I guess the difference for me is that yes, while I'm in that state I'm confused- little Megyn and adult Megyn are duking it out whether he can be trusted, and rn she's stronger than me when she's out. BUT, once I get back to me, I'm surprised that I felt that way, I get mad at myself, yadda yadda. It's just so new that I can't see the forest for the trees, if you will. I'm lost in it, from beginning to end- adult me, to little me, to teenaged me, to adult me again- until I'm fully back to adult me, like right now. In other words I just can't recognize it's happening during it even tho its the same over and over and over...

Ugh, trying to explain this shit, it feels impossible at times, but people with similar experiences (ppl on this website) seem to get it even tho it sounds confusing as hell to me :)

 

[Megyn]

I just don't know where to start. I have these alters and I have been aware of them about two year...

Oh, and I've always tried to sabotage too, and have always been successful at it. I'm a little more cognitive of the fact I do that now. But I'm also really lucky that my fiance is really good at dealing with me in different states of mind.

Have you done CBT? Do you currently see a therapist? Talk therapy just always helps me. Talking helps me sort out my confusion. I did CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) ages ago, but it helps with identifying a lot of different things we go thru- negative thought patterns, behaviors, etc

 

[Stickler]

Do they talk internally? If you CAN talk to them, please ask them to talk about why they did not like your ex.

Just because you have trust issues does not mean that he was a trustworthy person. It may have been entirely your past, or some might have been him.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I am several people most notably a male and a female. This caused problems I can't begin to explain but the self sabotage led me finally to become more or less a recluse. I had to because in every situation I would behave in an abusive manner (it's all about abuse) to make people not like me or even hurt me. I "knew and didn't know" I was doing this. I mostly don't have to go through it anymore because I avoid situations that I used to think I should be able to handle and I don't feel bad about it. I've been married for a long time so I don't have to put myself out there thank God.

 

[Bluepopsicle]

Megyn im going through exactly same as you. You explained it so well that I understand myself now even better... it is so confusing and scary. *sigh* I hope I found a way... we journal so it gives a bit more charity what's going on.

 

[Bluepopsicle]

Yea they "talk" inside my head I feel like they are more like thoughts but I guess they are voices. Anyway, it's like they hide sometimes and when im on crisis they start this "talking" giving advice, talking "truths" about my ex...
Sometimes they front and I feel like I watch behind. Im mostly co-consciouss