Relationship Struggling With Boyfriend I've Been With A Year Who Constantly Breaks Up With Me

[Gneedshelp]

Hello there. I'm new to this site but I'm really struggling and need some advice because no one in my life understands what I'm going through and either tells me to leave him or that something bad will happen to me if I stay but I know it never would lol.

We have been off and on together 1 year this coming Friday but he has broken up with me multiple times sense out first month together. We met while he was stationed somewhere else he finally came home last December.

The first time I really got to spend any long amount of time with him was in October of last year flew me out to where he was stationed had the most romantic amazing time of my life I thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and appreciated me that weekend he even told me he loved me. I left back on a plane to our home town crying. he tried to brake up with me a day later I wouldn't let him 3 days later he finally did. Continued to talk to me like everything was fine. We got back together, a week later did it again. talked to me the same like everything is fine finally came home a month later we saw each other got back together than 2 months later did it again. Then the same thing has reoccurred like I said multiple times since then. now two weeks before our anniversary he did it again which was a week ago I've seen him 4 times this week we've been broken up and I'll see him later today.

I know this is long but please read and give me your input. He can be such an amazing guy but can be sooo cold and heartless like he almost believes he doesn't deserve a happy life. There will be times where I just wake up and he'll be wrapped around me hugging me as if he never wants to let go I can see how much he loves me. I have an 18 month old son from a previous relationship and he is 3 years younger than me but I have never pushed my son on him because I want a relationship based on love not someone to take care of me. He never even has to spend time with him unless he asks to.

Every time we drink he seems to have a flash back and gets very emotional this is the only time he talks about what he's gone through and never enough for me to understand. so we never drink together anymore. He refuses to share with me what he's been through and I don't push it but he can get so distant at times always saying he needs his space and even when I give it to him it just never seems like its enough. He is always pushing me away. I am so lost at what to do. He never takes me out with his friends I have only met a few of them and that's because one moved in so more of them would come by the house. I feel like he is just embarrassed of me and it kills me. I take care of him soo well. I do things around his house though I don't live there I buy him things he needs even when he doesn't ask and I love him unconditionally for who he is who he was and who he will be. I just don't understand why I'm not good enough. I have my own money, truck and I need nothing but love from him and yet he acts like I mean nothing but can't go without me. He has very bad anxiety and stress and I know when he needs space and give it to him.

I'm not overly needy and don't demand I know he's never gotten with a girl when we've been broken up he tried and got a date but cancelled and had me come over because he felt guilty. I am just so lost at what to do at this point. Because if I'm doing everything right then why is it going so wrong? He likes to deny he has ptsd as if it's looked down on. I've asked to to get help or what I could do to help but nothing works. I love him very much and understand what's going on, I don't want him out of my life but every time we do great he just won't have it and I'm sitting here being treated like I mean nothing like he's so angry at me and then tells me I did nothing wrong... So why is he mad at me then? Why can't he just be happy with what we have?

If anyone has gone through something similar or just has any advice please feel free to share, thank you so much for reading.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome. I am a sufferer and I behave similarly to your guy.

I want to tell you that it's not you AT ALL but I'm afraid you won't believe me. Really, it's not you. I've had good people come into my life yet I fall into these same patterns of behavior when I get stressed.

To me it boils down to two things. Safety and stress. If I don't feel safe or I am stressed, I push everyone away. I hate having people over to my house because it threatens my safe space (even though the people may be safe people). My behavior seems irrational to everyone else, but to me it's a matter of survival. I will do anything in my power to feel safe and un-stressed. I have tried to explain it to others but most simply can't understand what I or other PTSDers are dealing with.

I am working on my healing. I wish I could give you more hope, but while your guy is in denial, not much will change. I think you need to ask yourself if you can live with his behavior long term if things don't change. Without treatment, he will likely stay the same or get worse. And the drinking worries me.

 

[bell]

I agree with @Solara, it's not you. I go from being a "normal" person to being one who is completely unhinged because my sense of safety is "threatened," even though no one is threatening me at all. In short, I turn into a different person, one that I don't even understand, and I'm still in therapy. Please know that this is something that can be worked on, but will most likely need to be worked on for a long time.

 

[saffy]

Hi Gneedshelp

I have to say by what you have written the relationship sounds very onesided to me. It seem you are the one putting all the effort in and not taking care of your own needs.

You might love him, yes, you obviously care for him and feel you can help him. BUT, there still has to be amiddle ground and I do not think you can save him by being, what I can see, a door mat who will do anything to make sure he is ok but gets nothing back.

There is nothing wrong with you or what you are doing but I think because you do not demand anything back he will use you as someone to comfort him but will not engage in a relationship when is is well. This is very damaging to both of you.

What do YOU want from this relationship? You do have a choice and you should expect respect from him no matter how anxious or stressed he is. either he wants to commit or he doesn't but it is unfair to just cherry pick when he does or doesn't. It is not fair on you to mess you about so much.

By all means support him if he genuinely needs it but I have a suspicion it is a game plan. Sorry to be blunt.

Decide what you want and make a decision, do you want this to carry on? or do you want something more? If he is not in the position to give you more he should not take advantage of your love to take more for himself.

Well that is how I see it. I know you will blast this and tell me I am wrong but really look at it clearly without the feelings influencing what is going on.

You have a child to consider too and too much focus on a man that is so inconsistent is not good at all for him/her, or for you either. :)

look at it as if you were reading someone elses blog and see if you would give them the same advice. You are not abandoning him or letting him down by looking after your own needs too.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[nursenurse]

If this has been wrong since the first month, then it is wrong period. You were too early in the relationship to be declaring love to each other. No one seems to want to take their time before these things, and then become emotional wrecks. Demand more of yourself, for yourself, and get off the roller coaster now. He needs to heal. He needs to hit his place where he demands healing for himself. You cannot do this for him. In the meantime, you have a child to consider. Is this the kind of role modelling you want for him - a woman who takes crap, always questions herself, is not confident? The behaviour this man exhibits may also be what he sees and picks up. Kids are little sponges, and believe you me, your son already knows you are stressed. this relationship is just so wrong on so many levels. Get yourself out, seek counselling for yourself. Your boy is only little for so long, he did not sign on for this kind of thing. Your responsibility is to him, not to someone who keeps breaking up with you.

 

[felicia]

I am really sad to hear your situation and I'm sorry your heart is breaking. My ex bf has combat ptsd and I've gone through the break/make up situation as well and it's hard. No matter if it was six months or one year if you love him you love him and nobody can change your mind but you.

Think of it though as "Do I want to go on feeling this way and wondering what day of the week is he going to break up with me this time?" kind of thoughts. Don't make yourself sick physically, mentally, or emotionally anymore if you are truly hurting. I know all you want to do is just help him get through it and are thinking maybe your love and you being there for him will help him but it doesn't. He may have to hit rock bottom first before he will get help. If you decide to move on it's going to hurt like hell but you eventually will get better and as for him he may never getter better and his ptsd may always be a struggle for him. I hope that isn't the case though I hope that both of you heal no matter what happens.

Best wishes hon.

 

[falling]

I think you need to set clear boundaries with him and make sure he understands that he needs help. If it were me I would tell him that if he agrees to take steps to live a healthier life style and to get help with his obvious problems then your willing to stay with him but if not then you need to move on. You need to ensure you and your son gets what you guys need from life and a relationship. I'm sorry your having to go through this. PTSD has a way of changing people into cold, heartless robots. :(

 

[bell]

@Gneedshelp, just wanted to say that in deciding whether you want to move forward with this relationship, you need to consider the opinions of both sufferers and supporters here, as while they may seem to differ, they are both right. Healing from PTSD takes years and isn't a short race. As to whether or not you want to stay in something that your boyfriend may back out of, not ever get help for, that's up to you, and only something you can truly decide.

I know that I can meltdown on someone I've known for years when an unexpected triggers come up, and while I'm working on it, it isn't pretty... so, in a sense, there is no "forever healing," only "forever managing." If he isn't committed to getting better, then the onus will always be on you, which will drain you over time.

In short, you deserve love, but only you can determine how much you need right now. (As depending on whether you're in therapy yourself, that could vary, too.) What's not varying, however, is how much love your son needs. He should be your focus right now, not your boyfriend. As chances are high, both your boyfriend and you learned your maladaptive coping strategies when you were also little, so it's up to you to set the future right for your son.