Struggling with family relationships

[osiris]

...and I just want to get better at handling them.

Actually I’m not sure it’s about handling relationships, maybe it’s more about finding the courage to voice what I want and need, rather than feeling forever forced into compromising situations.

Friends I can manage to a decent ish level. That’s probably because I choose not to develop friendships beyond a certain level of intimacy. Traveling and moving around has made this process simple, it’s easy to offload people before they get too close - and maintaining links through social media means ties are broken.

I have a saffer friend I really miss from a decade ago, who I was close to and think we could pick things up properly again. I know they’d be there for me if I asked, but other than that friends from years ago are on the edges of life and I can’t suddenly change the rules of friendship years later.

I need more IRL support but it’s scary to be honest about the reality of PTSD, a history of self harm, and sucidal tendencies - I’d be watching people’s backs as they ran to the hills ;)

The thing that troubles me the most though are family relationships that are harmful. I don’t know how to escape.

I have always tried to keep people in separate boxes to save my sanity and have succeeded in cutting some people dead out of my life. Others struggle with those actions and have tried to interfere but I have managed to stand my ground. They have called me all names under the sun but it’s a form of protection/avoidance that needs to happen.

I don’t introduce friends to family, and as much as possible lovers were kept separate too. Marriage changed that and I hate it.

Both sides have caused me untold troubles - my mother from the deep past, my spouse from the present; and both use each other to get to me and guilt me. They are united and sing each others praises, neither knowing the actions of the other that damage me so deeply.

I am so anxious dealing with either of them and it’s driving me deeper and deeper into my own painful memories and repeated poor choices.

I should not be married. I am fearful of everything all the time but I feel trapped. And dealing with my mother recently over a family bereavement has made lots of other issues come to a head.

I’m posting this here to try and have a discussion. That feels safer than exposing the painful truths of what has happened with these people (which is better suited to my trauma diary anyway) but maybe means considering practical options of moving forward.

I feel I need to edit to add this.
I know I am a total shit to live with. And when I was growing up I was f*cking awful too. More than half of the troubles are my fault. But I feel completely out of control and unable to make adult choices and that’s the scary/hard bit.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @osiris , it's difficult when people try to undermine you like you've said. People's boundaries are important and I understand what you've said about keeping different people in boxes and different categories. Unfortunately it's a fact of life that sometimes those boundaries get blurred forcing you into your defensive shell and maybe pushing people away. I don't have any advice for you and I'm not in a position to give it.

Be proud of yourself and happy with the decisions that you make. All the best to you. S3?.

 

[Ronin]

I wouldn't say the nevers...

To anything in life, like that. ;)

I nigh married / were fiancees with, some pretty awesome people. True, some of them, we were just both busy spitting into homophobic states' laws for the hell of it, but the care was real.

Then I married my exH, which was a decade long trainwreck.

Still, if that comes around, open to the possibility. If someone's compatible with my lifestyle & hearts wise we jibe alright, and practicals can work out in adding lives together, why not.

Some times the person ain't right.
Some times the circumstances.

Maybe something needs to change, but not because you are too broken, or too out of it, or too symptomatic, or whatever.

Symptoms can come and go like waves. Get worse & get better.

It's what you're aiming for that matters more, than the fact right now it's not a smooth sail.

 

[osiris]

I don’t think it’s about nevers, although my instincts would be never to trust my own judgement again which would probably mean never.

Trainwreck is a great description.

Choices that I made at the beginning of this relationship were based on trying to be free from all the abuse/neglect/rape while wholly blaming myself for everything. I don’t think I was aware of that at the time - and naivety, youth and also thinking I wasn’t worthy of anything meant that I simply chose another way to ultimately punish myself more.

Things have escalated over the years and I have had less and less control.
Less of wanting a smooth sail and more of needing to throw myself overboard.

Aiming for respect. Maybe love too. I want to feel safe and I haven’t felt that since 2012.

 

[Ronin]

Yep, if there aren't even the basics like respect & being decent to you, I'd consider how to safest get out of that relationship.

And rooting for you.
Because that learned helplessness, feeling you cannot make any 'adult' decisions, is not who you are.

That's multi-frontal abuse waves f*cking with your ship.

Ain't no throwing yourself overboard for stupid waves that just do the only thing they are apparently capable of.

As you are capable of So Much More.

And that you are still fighting?
Is testament to your strength.

 

[osiris]

Haha my understanding of analogies is through the floor from lack of sleep.

*the boat is me not the marriage*
Taps head. Yep that’s hollow.
Get it now :roflmao:

Right, not currently man overboard situ, not today, though you know I’m battling that one allllll the time.

I'd consider how to safest get out of that relationship.

No excuses. Yes this is exactly it. Eight years and still struggling with how to do this. Complicated and not complicated all at the same time. A stronger person would have already gone. I need more therapy to get to that place. Searching out pain and subjecting myself to it is a reoccurring f*ck up.

Because that learned helplessness, feeling you cannot make any 'adult' decisions, is not who you are.

This bit bites. Is helplessness and not making ‘adult’ decisions learnt? *mindblown*
Shit. So obvious now you say it, jaw on the floor. That connects back to a whole lot of stuff then. That’s another core therapy theme neatly wrapped up for T.

And that you are still fighting?
Is testament to your strength.

There’s something distinctly koan-y about these points. This is going straight to my list in my diary to debunk weak. Thanks, that’s evidence I can work with even if I don’t see/feel it.

If I am the (pirate?) boat then these choppy waves around me will eventually pass. Still not sure how to stop them capsizing things along the way though. I need T.

 

[Ronin]

Ya know that strong person talk is just some more pans to bash your head with and not reality, right?

Quite often the strong people are those that stay... and keep looking for the ways to leave.

Or if can't, survive. For as long as they can. As well as they can.

Can't keep this either metaphoric nor academic, so co.e back to later. ;)

And? Decision to survive & keep moving IS adult decision.
Kid!kids run to carers. Or not. Depends on the kid ;)

Point being...
Give yourself some well earned credit.
You're not lost in life, just because it feels like it.

 

[osiris]

Ya know that strong person talk is just some more pans to bash your head with and not reality, right?

Quite often the strong people are those that stay... and keep looking for the ways to leave.

Or if can't, survive. For as long as they can.
As well as they can.

It’s really hard to see it as bashing my head with pans, Ro.

To be fair and mirror your point, I’ve already observed my brain as quick to judge myself as I’ve had a major paranoid wobble today after writing on some threads these last few days. I don’t want to exile myself back solely to my diary but if I can’t get a grip I might have to :(

But maybe, maybe, the reality really is that I haven’t made good choices when I should have done. I’ve watched other people have the strength to walk away from things, and I’ve stayed for every emotional kicking, every threat, every hurt. No one to blame but myself.

Is staying then strength or just stupidity? In the past I might have said love was a reason to stay, but the more I have worked through my trauma I see twisted survival and a means of escaping one hell by replacing it with another one altogether. The years have deadened me and I should never have run away from therapy the first time :speechless:

You're not lost in life, just because it feels like it.

I’ve written this onto a post-it. There’s a big gap between feeling and reality that I’m trying to work on. Feeling lost is totally it though. I don’t have a plan which feels bad, and can’t see things ending well. I am scared of myself and my unreasonable behaviour, and scared of what they think and do too.
In the midst of it I’m trying to work on therapy and learning new skills, but my spouse is not really supportive of that.

If I touch on my mother, which I have managed to successfully avoid throughout my comments since the original post, she doesn’t even know I had therapy the first time let alone now. I can hear her scathing retorts now if it were mentioned. And as it’s Saturday I’m highly anxious knowing a phone call or Skype will arrive soon.

Because that learned helplessness, feeling you cannot make any 'adult' decisions, is not who you are.

This bit bites. Is helplessness and not making ‘adult’ decisions learnt?
Shit. That connects back to a whole lot of stuff then.

Coming back to this point because it’s the one that keeps running through my head.

I feel so trapped and am ashamed of the way I have behaved. Even if it was and is to survive it’s soul destroying. Desperate for control, but not being to make those decisions and deferring to the wishes of others. That isn’t adult. But then I think of when I was dealing with stuff as a kid and not running to a carer like you said they do. That was a kid trying to be adult and f*cking up as they had no choice. I wish I could go back and give them the relationship they needed then.

I wasn’t safe at home and I’m not safe in this marriage. But maybe I’m asking an unobtainable dream anyway. Who ever feels safe, is that even possible?

I’m tying my head in knots just thinking about all this and sorting through these relationships is a key aspect of recovery I think. That makes me feel like I’m screwed :banghead:

 

[Survivor3]

I'm sorry that you feeling that way. Family relationships can be terrible and really hard. I don't go round to my parents house anymore and don't ever see my dad. It's too triggering and causes me too much upset. My brother lives in a different town and our relationship is at a minimum. My mum comes round to see me and that's basically it.

 

[Friday]

Eight years and still struggling with how to do this. Complicated and not complicated all at the same time. A stronger person would have already gone. I need more therapy to get to that place.

Would a less all-or-Nothing approach be helpful?

Clearly, Corona has put quite a few things on hold (but that can also be a good thing; taking the pressure of needing to decide/act immediately off, often let’s people think/talk about things that are just too BIG to even contemplate, if action is going to be a direct consequence of that)...

...But might there be ways that you could take an extended vacation from your spouse & mom, without the expectation being there that the relationship is over & you’re not coming back? To give you some time to be on your own & decide what you want to do, and how?

- Semester Abroad
- Semester at Sea
- Summer or Winter Internship or Volunteer (elsewhere!!!)
- 3-6mo Contract Job

Someplace to give being on your own a practice run, get some self confidence built up, and give yourself some breathing room.

 

[osiris]

Would a less all-or-Nothing approach be helpful?

Yep. For sure. I’m not good at this with anything :( Good day, feel like I’m making vague progress, or f*ck, the sky is falling in.

...But might there be ways that you could take an extended vacation from your spouse & mom, without the expectation being there that the relationship is over & you’re not coming back?

Someplace to give being on your own a practice run, get some self confidence built up, and give yourself some breathing room.

I left my country in the 2000s and I recognise now that that was probably a way of getting away from the past and my mum as much as the sense of adventure. Going back for holidays is always hard as then expected to go and see them :(

I don’t speak to my family regularly. That’s something my spouse gives me shit about and they email my mum which makes me look worse :banghead:

It’s worse because of covid and this bloody funeral.

Getting away from spouse and job so much more complicated for a bunch of reasons but your ideas are great. A sabbatical of some sort would be heaven if I could find a way to do it. As much as I quite like (some people’s) company and miss interactions during these covid days, the thing I crave most is feeling safe in a time and space on my own.