Struggling With Partner, Constant Accusations

[gnarwhal]

My boyfriend just began therapy for PTSD. He's had a hard life, with a lot of trauma. I'm proud of him for seeking (expensive) help, but every single day is a struggle and I have no one to talk to.

I met him almost 7 months ago. It's been incredibly hard; I've only managed to stick with him because I know deep down he is an incredible person and I have so much admiration for him for being so strong. He is so smart and incredible. I have never met anyone like him in my life. I hope and wait for a day he can come out of this and relax and trust me, and be happy.

That said, I don't know how to handle the constant accusations. They have not ever gotten better. I'm accused from everything from cheating to lying to smoking cigarettes, poisoning his food, hiring a hitman, laughing at him behind his back. It is heartbreaking to love someone so much and to have that person grind you down so often. Every day. A few weeks ago I fell asleep with my arm near his neck and I had a muscle twitch while I was sleeping and he freaked out. He was convinced I was trying to crush his windpipe in his sleep. I would never intentionally physically hurt him, ever. He is so much stronger than me. He just kept saying "2 lbs of pressure," as if I truly intended to kill him while he was sleeping. I tried to laugh it off, but it's not funny at all.

I have never dealt with anything like this in my life. I have a hard time spending time with my friends because he thinks I am cheating... I receive constant guilt trips and angry looks when I do anything without him. I travel for work, and he has convinced himself he's heard people in the background of my hotel room while we've been on the phone. He believes any time I have dinner with a member of the opposite sex it is a "date" and consistently tells me I am "dating other dudes." I have a good job, and spend a lot of time with "corporate" people; he is a blue collar guy and he accuses me of snorting coke and getting drunk with billionaire businessmen, telling me that's what I really want: I am just after the money and the fancy trips. I am entirely self-made and very successful; I was not given anything and came from just as difficult of a family situation as he did. So this, like many of his other accusations, is completely absurd to me--and yet still so hurtful. It used to make me so angry, and now it just hurts. It feels hopeless to even bother to retort.

I really don't want to leave him. I feel I have tried so hard to help him. He's been living with me, and the constant scrutiny and suspicion is hurting me so deeply. I have never spent so much time around someone who thinks I am such a terrible person. I try to tell myself his thought patterns are just extremely distorted, but I am running out of hope. I can't talk to my friends, because they are so skeptical and do not understand the disorder; I can't talk to my family because they would be worried for my safety. I don't believe he would ever physically hurt me, but the shock of all of this is awful emotionally. I feel so alone with this. I would do anything to help this person, but I am running out of ideas. Please someone tell me this can get better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, this CAN get better.

Will it happen overnight? No. Might it take years? Yes.

Therapy....Hmmm.....Well, someone's got to tell you.... It gets worse before it gets better. I don't think I've ever met anyone who went into treatment and had treatment make them better right off the bat without the worsening of symptoms. I am not saying this to scare you, rather I want you to be expecting it. An increase in symptoms does NOT mean that the treatment isn't working. He's likely buried many emotions over the years, and when the past traumas are brought to the surface (unburied), the emotional upheaval can be rough, to say the least. I understand you on the expensive bit, as trauma therapy/treatment is NOT cheap!

I am VERY worried about your well being though. I do understand what its like to be on your boyfriends side of things. My suspicion surrounds trust and like (I don't use the stronger "L" word, ever) and things of that nature. My suspicions are not quite to the level of what you describe with your boyfriend.

Yes, PTSD can make us paranoid and distrustful and suspicious.....BUT, that does not mean that we are given a free pass to treat others poorly. I am worried about you as it seems like your boyfriend has crossed over the line into abuse. It is abusive to separate someone from friends, family, co-workers, etc. This behavior only functions to isolate YOU as it will never be enough to ease his fears. Giving in to his fears may seem like the "easier" thing to do, but I urge you to continue to associate with people outside of your relationship. You WILL need them!

If he can't even give you the very basics in terms of trust, I would say that he is not ready for a relationship at this time. That is, if he cannot trust you to associate with other people, he needs to work on becoming secure in himself. There is nothing *you* can do to fix this behavior. I urge you to maintain strong boundaries in this regard as he truly does need strong boundaries. We don't heal by walking all over everyone else's boundaries, we get better over time when we have healthy boundaries placed in front of us.

 

[theotherside]

Try to be carefull. That is how my ex was then it turned to controlling everything about me..hair make up clothes friends. Then the violence started and it was horrible. So so horrible.
I was made to feel like a horrible worthless whore and i did nothing but love him.
Not saying it would happen in your situation but please go talk to a T as soon as possible. Him hearing things like you having conversations with others is a big red flag. I would be walking along side my guy and he would accuse me of talking to guys..its like how could he think that if im holding his hand??? Anyway i never want. anyone to go through that. Please. talk to. a T and family.

I have ptsd too and im insecure and have a real hard time trusting, so i know how that feels but its not ok to get out of control and accuse people. My partner im with now accepts this about me and knows i work on it.

 

[gnarwhal]

I do spend time with my friends, though I have to deal with a less than ideal attitude when I get home. He is always suspicious that I say I am going out with my friends and am actually cheating. He's gone through my phone, my iMessages. I've never felt like I was in physical danger, but I will be afraid of this situation if it gets any worse. I can barely deal with all the accusations right now, let alone imagine anything getting worse. My close friends and family do know what I am dealing with and they are trying to be supportive but it's difficult to defend someone who acts the way he has. His therapist and mine both know what his deal is, so I feel like enough people know, I am just not sure I can cope much longer.

 

[theotherside]

I would try to be open with how its making you feel and try to be supportive while he gets therapy and get therapy for youself as well and things could get better.

 

[theotherside]

But be careful and put yourself first

 

[Justmehere]

The fact that he doesn't want you spending time with your friends is very concerning. One of the key things that helps supporters support is to get their own support and have their own needs met outside of the relationship.

There is a different between struggling to trust and being downright controlling and abusive. None of what he is doing is your fault. What he is doing is abusive and cruel. By not setting clear boundaries and reaching out for outside support, no matter how it makes him feel, you are enabling him.

You say over and over you want to help him. I believe you very much do want to help him, and are even perhaps scared that you have invested so much heart and time into this relationship in a way that isn't working.

Ways you can help him:

1.) Continue to build up your own support. Not just friends and family (your reasons for not reaching out to them more are not the best reasons, but they may also not be the best support.) I suggest to most supporters to get their own therapy and counseling, and I think this is important for you as well. You are in an unhealthy abusive relationship right now, and regardless if you stay or go, it is important to look at your own distorted thinking which has tolerated his behavior for far too long. He needs you to be as healthy and as strong as possible.

2.) Gently and clearly set boundaries about what behavior is and isn't ok with you. This process usually makes things a little worse for a little while, which is why getting outside support is very important. Setting boundaries is extremely important for not just your sake, but his as well. It is critical for sufferers to have partners who are willing to set boundaries. Who are willing to not rescue, not enable, but to say things like, "I know you are scared and in pain, and this behavior isn't ok. I can't be with you while you treat me this way. I need you to stop doing xyz and do abc instead when you are scared or triggered or I can not be with you." It is ok to tell him that when he gets scared, he can do xyz, but not accuse you of massive wrong doing and insist to search your phone and etc. It is not healthy for him or for you to do that.

In my opinion, as a PTSD sufferer, who has acted out in relationships in the past myself, these two things above are very important to do. When others did the same when they were in relationship with me, it was the most helpful thing they could have done for me.

Can this get better? Maybe. Maybe not. The fact that he is in treatment is a hopeful sign. One thing to keep in mind, is that when he starts processing the trauma, things are likely to get worse for a season before they get better - which is why it is so critical for both of you to have a wider support network in place as soon as possible, not to isolate from it.

If you are at your limit, you are at your limit. it does not mean you have failed or that you are abandoning him. It's ok to let go. He doesn't sound ready or healthy enough to be in a relationship right now. Such space might help him dive more into treatment.

If you want to stay in it, be prepared for a long process before things get better and for the possibility that it won't get better. In dating relationships in general, it is best to accept him as he is now, rather than to stay and hope for change that may never come and leave you resentful that it never did happen.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :hug:

 

[gnarwhal]

Thank you for this.

I am actually in my own therapy and I am really happy with it. It has helped me a lot, not only get insight into this relationship but work on my own issues (I am a perfectionist, I have completely unreasonable standards for myself and pretty critical inner dialog). I actually got a referral on his therapist from mine.

Secondly, I believe I have set boundaries, though I think it is a challenge right now because he knows if he does not accept them he has to leave. He was very good on my last work trip-- I spent time with my friends, he was not overbearing or insane. But that is ONE small step after a lot of steps back, so I am apprehensive. I already had him move all of his stuff out of my house, because I told him he had gone too far and I could no longer tolerate the jealousy and controlling behavior. But as he starts to become "comfortable" again and thinks he is going to be able to stay here, he lashes out more. I feel bad about depriving him of any kind of security but I cannot handle being treated like crap all the time.

I guess we will see what happens; I can handle a lot, and have been through some awful things in my own life. I'd like to believe it is strength and devotion that keeps me here, with him, that I truly believe he can be better, but it's hard sometimes and I feel myself waffling between sticking with him and throwing him out. Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@gnarwhal. Run. Charming at first, sucks you in with charisma, intelligence, niceties. Then the disrespect, the accusations, the driving a wedge between you and your friends, the constant insults and paranoia. Run. You will end up with his hands around your neck. That is if you don't kill yourself first to escape him. Run.

 

[ekane]

His behavior crosses the line and goes beyond what can be excused by PTSD. The real truth is that by the time he changes this particular list of toxic behaviors, IF ever, you will have zero self-esteem left by then and will be even worse off than now. He is not relationship material. Its the truth. Will he be a good guy in 15 years? Maybe or maybe not. In the meantime gather up what ever self-worth you have left and be done with him. I have noticed a trend of men using PTSD as a cover for Narcissism. Please order some books on amazon under these search terms: "controlling men, codependcy, toxic relationships, dating pigs". It will take the fog off your eyes and save your entire future.

 

[illusionist]

I would be very concerned....normally people are on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship. If you have been experiencing this for the 7 months you have been dating....maybe this is his best?....I wouldn't be hanging around to see him at his worst. Please think really hard on having a future with him..he really doesn't sound as if he is ready for a relationship.

 

[theotherside]

Whatever you do please continue to see your friends and family.