Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

Good morning everyone.

I have recently been trawling through the forum and found plenty of valuable information, but I feel the time is now for me to join up and express the issues I am facing, hoping to gain some knowledge and hopefully help me out.

Basically, my current partner and I got together last July, we had both broken up with our now ex's earlier in the year. Hers being abusive. We had actually known each other for 5 years prior to this.
I was working away still, and we both needed somewhere to live, as she needed to get away from the house they own, along with her kids.

We found a property to rent, and she moved back to this area where she was before she went away with her now ex.
I came back to the country full time at the end of October.
She has PTSD and was previously diagnosed with DID, which I was aware of. Which is down to childhood abuse and varying other things throughout her life.
I have generalised anxiety, and clearly issues with abandonment due to my ex's. Which I have been getting help for.

Everything was going well, you could say a honeymoon period.
But I feel that everything has hit her like a tonne of bricks now.
She has lots of financial troubles in relation to her ex and the property they own, which is resulting in legal action.
We have to hide the fact we are a couple across social media, and pretty much in public now due to this legal action, as it complicates things.

We had agreed earlier this year that whilst this added stress in her life was going on, and the fact she did not give herself time to heal herself before getting with me, that one of us would move out.
This would allow her the time and space to recoup herself, and also give me alone time as well. This was hard to swallow but I agree that its probably the right thing for us to do, especially to help our future together.

Off the back of this my anxiety and abandonment set me off a little in my mind, and due to the way I was acted she has felt that she is causing hurt and upset to me, and because she has no strength to help my mind (as she is using all her energy on herself) that she doesn't feel like she wants to talk to me about things now.

More and more recently she is shutting down, she is concentrating on her career and her kids, which I have no problem with. But then at home together seems distant. Any form of closeness has long but gone, infact I feel really lonely. I try to act normal, have random conversations together, have a laugh, the usual, but the majority of time this falls down and I don't know where I stand.

I have tried to give her the space she has asked for, but I did that wrong the first time and made her feel lonely... but now it seems that as soon as she gets the kids to bed, she just wants time alone.

She has also explained how she wants to be alone a lot of the time, and to me sounds like she wants to be alone without the relationship, but I am unsure if that is because she worries she is hurting me by not giving me what I require out of it all.

I explained to her this past weekend that I had been doing much needed research into the symptoms and affects of PTSD, and explained that I now understood her better, apologised for the way I may have acted in a panicked stated (of which I have realised I did wrong, and am changing this!) and that all I want to do is support her as and when she needs it, and that I love and care for her.

I explained that I want to build up her trust with me, to allow her to talk to me if she needs to, without me reacting in a negative way.
She didn't say much back to me, other than explain things are hard. And maybe replied I love you too.

I am a little bit lost of what to do really... I understand better now, have apologised for my actions, and expressed my want to support her as and when she needs. I am understanding of the future change in housing situations as I know that will do her good, and hopefully us.
I understand why she has to prioritise other things, and shut off emotions and feelings to be able to cope, and be able to sort out the more important things in life, whilst maintaining her career and her kids.

I do not want to completely lose her, I am happy taking this step back whilst she is trying to get herself back. She will be starting different therapies to help with the PTSD soon, and I feel once other things get sorted, the stresses will reduce.

Our relationship has too many positives together for that to be wasted, But I am worried that she will want us to end for good, but at the same time some days she can show some slight emotion towards me. She might tell me she loves me, but most times its normally a reply if I have said it first, or she might give me a random hug, but rarely. Which is the complete opposite of how she was a few months back.

When she goes away some weekends to see friends or do things without me, she communicates more with me. She is going away for a few weeks from next week, so I am hoping that helps too, considering its space away from the stresses of work, home and us. But I don't want to hope too much, because on return I know it will be all guns blazing back into the stress of life for her.

I don't know why I have posted all of this really, I am unsure if there is anything else I can do, and I am unsure if anyone here will be able to give me any pointers, other than listen to her.. support her when she needs it.. respect what she's asking.. and give her the space. I simply just want to stop feeling lonely (I literally just want to know she does love me, or a hug, anything) and to stop worrying about it.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Kubash16]

The fact that she communicates while she is away is a really good thing. I understand you want to have that same communication while she’s home too.

I’m not a supporter but a sufferer. When I have an overload of stress I can’t be around people. It’s just too hard. I feel the need to be happy for that other person so they aren’t dragged down by me. But under that amount of stress she’s got I wouldn’t have the energy. I would need some kind of isolation to recharge.

I know the obvious answer is to not try to protect people and even lean on them a bit. But the reality is (especially with child abuse) trust is almost impossible. Building trust is it’s own animal of pure stress.

:hug: ps, I am so freaking happy you are both in therapy! It will help you both. Also, be mindful that her switching therapies is going to be yet another animal of stress. Therapy is hard as f*ck and changing modalities or therapists or both . . . *shudders*.

 

[alanwp]

@Kubash16 Thank you for the reply.

To be honest I just miss the communication at home, as I feel that lack of this causes my mind to stress/wander/panic, of which I am seeking help for, to be at peace with myself.

I understand she doesn't want to see me unhappy, and I can see how being alone without me avoids that added stress, but I have explained to her that I am not unhappy with us, I have been stressing over the fact I was unsure how for us to communicate without causing her to be upset or angry, and how to actually give her the space she needs. I can accept that she cant be close to me much, until she feels more like herself.

I'm hoping with what I said at the weekend, highlighted to her that all I want to do is continue to love and support her, after all we were friends before this, we still are, but more so now.

Whilst she's away over the next few weeks, I hope she can at least communicate with me a little more whilst she goes away, and I hope it lowers her stress levels also.

I'm expectant of the therapy to cause more stress etc, but I am very hopeful that it will help. She was in group therapy around June-September time which I felt helped her a lot. Its just been a long winded process to actually get someone to see her, instead of our health service fobbing her off for drugs etc etc.

I know I'm going to struggle with all of this, but it is truly worth it in the long run I know

 

[Mytime]

For right now maybe your communication can be through text or email. My SO found it easier that way for a bit. Part because, he could go back as many times as needed to process what a I was saying. It also gave him time to think about his response in a clear way. As his symptoms lessened, the more we started to communicate face to face. It may be why she communicates better when she’s away.

 

[alanwp]

For right now maybe your communication can be through text or email. My SO found it easier that way for a bit. Part because, he could go back as many times as needed to process what a I was saying. It also gave him time to think about his response in a clear way. As his symptoms lessened, the more we started to communicate face to face. It may be why she communicates better when she’s away.

Strange you should say that, I thought that would be the case but she is straight to the point when talking and prefers to do it in person. We've been okay since me starting this thread.

But as of tomorrow evening she is away for a while, so no doubt we will communicate via message when she wants to :)

 

[Justmehere]

Kudos to you for wanting to learn more about PTSD and navigate some difficult waters the best that you can.

We have to hide the fact we are a couple across social media, and pretty much in public now due to this legal action, as it complicates things.

This is a little concerning. If you two are deciding to be roommates publicly, that’s up to you, but this strikes me as a possible big red flag. If the reasons for hiding the relationship have come all from her, and not legal counsel talking to you both, that’s even more concerning.

I have tried to give her the space she has asked for, but I did that wrong the first time and made her feel lonely... but now it seems that as soon as she gets the kids to bed, she just wants time alone.

That’s common for working moms of younger kids without PTSD and DID. Maybe find some other times to connect? Date night every week?

I do not want to completely lose her, I am happy taking this step back whilst she is trying to get herself back. She will be starting different therapies to help with the PTSD soon, and I feel once other things get sorted, the stresses will reduce.

With two major mental health conditions in the mix, and the fact that trauma therapy usually leads to things getting worse before they get better, I wouldn’t expect things to settle out quickly.

I understand she doesn't want to see me unhappy, and I can see how being alone without me avoids that added stress, but I have explained to her that I am not unhappy with us, I have been stressing over the fact I was unsure how for us to communicate without causing her to be upset or angry, and how to actually give her the space she needs. I can accept that she cant be close to me much, until she feels more like herself.

You state you are not “unhappy with us” and then explain how you are reasonably unhappy with how your relationship is going. It’s ok to be unhappy. She isn’t willing or able to be as close as you would like. There will be times to talk about the relationship, but I’m guessing you have done that as you have agreed one of you is moving out. Some of the times you are close, try to keep it light and fun.

It’s not uncommon that people who want a lot of space in a relationship connect with someone who wants a lot of closeness and connection. The one who wants closeness with chase the other...!who will shut down and run more... and around the cycle they go. Sometimes this can be due to preoccupied and avoidant or ambivalent attachment patterns. Sometimes it’s due to other things, like life stages. I’m not sure if this is happening in your relationship but might be worth thinking about.

 

[alanwp]

Kudos to you for wanting to learn more about PTSD and navigate some difficult waters the best that you can.

This is a little concerning. If you two are deciding to be roommates publicly, that’s up to you, but this strikes me as a possible big red flag. If the reasons for hiding the relationship have come all from her, and not legal counsel talking to you both, that’s even more concerning.

That’s common for working moms of younger kids without PTSD and DID. Maybe find some other times to connect? Date night every week?

With two major mental health conditions in the mix, and the fact that trauma therapy usually leads to things getting worse before they get better, I wouldn’t expect things to settle out quickly.

You state you are not “unhappy with us” and then explain how you are reasonably unhappy with how your relationship is going. It’s ok to be unhappy. She isn’t willing or able to be as close as you would like. There will be times to talk about the relationship, but I’m guessing you have done that as you have agreed one of you is moving out. Some of the times you are close, try to keep it light and fun.

It’s not uncommon that people who want a lot of space in a relationship connect with someone who wants a lot of closeness and connection. The one who wants closeness with chase the other...!who will shut down and run more... and around the cycle they go. Sometimes this can be due to preoccupied and avoidant or ambivalent attachment patterns. Sometimes it’s due to other things, like life stages. I’m not sure if this is happening in your relationship but might be worth thinking about.

Thank you for your input in this :)

I'm happy to learn about this, to broaden my understanding and to be able to support better.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned about the hiding of the relationship, this isn't due to the other issues and is more of a legal situation to avoid some hassle coming my way, and I am in total agreement with this. As we know we are together still.

But when you factor in the fact she has to shut down and avoid overwhelming herself further, it probably helps with not showing affection to me in public, if you get what I mean? Either way, I'm happy with how we've figured that out, for the reasons as required.

The issue with date night is we have to coincide when the kids aren't here, as there is nobody else around this area to look after them. We did take advantage a few weeks back where we actually went out for a meal (her idea!) And in fact yesterday we both finished work earlier and spent some time together, which was nice as we were communicating and having a laugh.

She even made the evening about them all spending time with me as it'll be the last evening with them for a couple of weeks while they go away together.. which was nice :)

I've also grasped a better understanding of the pressures she has coming from work just now.. we work for the same business, but in different areas and now I know what they have to deal with in the other departments I can allow myself to think.. hey, she's very busy and pressured to complete things on time etc. She cannot communicate via messages etc like she used to, because now she is a hell of a lot busier! And wants to succeed as her career is one thing she does not want to fail at!

I'm expecting things to get worse as she ventures into this new therapy, but all that's important to me in regards of that is she is getting the correct help, and hopefully it works.

Of course I am unhappy in ways, but I just need to remind myself of the situations, and keep respecting her wishes. In the grand scheme of things she isn't being terrible to me compared to others stories on here. She does occasionally tell me things in little snippets here and there which make me realise deep down she is still there feeling for me, caring etc.

I don't think she is the one for wanting to be with me for chasing her, as she's always been a close person up until this point of overwhelming stress etc. But I will bear it in mind that it can always be a possibility.

They are away from this evening, and I'm hoping she has a nice time with her kids, and I will enjoy some alone time myself. I have a feeling we will still communicate well whilst she is away, as I find she does when she's away from certain stresses of work and home life, it must be enough of a reduction in stress to stop her being as overwhelmed.

nothing is perfect, but once I myself can stop worrying and stressing in my mind, I think I can feel in a better place, looking after myself. Which in turn will allow me to support her better.

I'd like to continue to get support from here by reading and finding out others ideas and thoughts on these types of things :)

 

[Kubash16]

You are more then welcome to read around and post whatever you need.

As a side note- be prepared for how difficult therapy can be, she may have a really hard time keeping up with her job. Trying to do both a stressful job and stressful therapy will be extremely challenging and I hope she is aware of that and won’t be too broken hearted when she needs to step back and take time to rest.

 

[alanwp]

Thank you, I will obviously continue to update this thread as and when, as I do like to get responses from people whom are in similar situations, to ensure I'm not losing my mind! It's hard to talk to people about this, as I don't have many good friends who I can go this in depth with, and I don't like airing personal relationship business ?

Yeah, I am prepared for this... luckily one of the therapies has come via channels from work, and they are aware, so putting in appropriate things in place.. albeit not doing a good job of it but she has been vocal with them to remind them that she is dealing with this stuff!

Fingers crossed all goes as well as possible, I will stay positive but realistic in this all :)

Keep reminding myself not to take it all to heart!!

 

[Freida]

She has also explained how she wants to be alone a lot of the time, and to me sounds like she wants to be alone without the relationship, but I am unsure if that is because she worries she is hurting me by not giving me what I require out of it all.

This ^^ is about her. It may not have anything to do with you at all.

This behavior is pretty common when a sufferer is isolating -- they just want to be left alone. It has nothing to do with the people around them. It's a need for space. I do this all the time --- especially if I'm in an anniversary period. It's not that I don't love hubby. It's that my brain is exploding and I simply can't cope. Now add a job and kids and finances and secrets and she may be so overwhelemd she can't explain what is going on in her head. And there is NOTHING left in the tank for someone with anxiety.

Hopefully both of you will get a better handle on this as you go thru therapy (which you get major points for!!!). In the mean time, letting her communicate in a way that makes her feel safe is brilliant.

 

[alanwp]

Okay, so..

One week until they left to go away, we've had contact literally everyday, some days it might have been two messages at most. Had updates of what they have been up to. Which is nice.

What was getting to me was that although when we talk I've asked how she is, she's never once asked if I'm okay. But I've been telling myself to overlook this just now and not read into it.

So mid week I ask her if she wanted a phone call at any point so I can speak to them all, she replies with asking.. if I mind, for a few days to herself, to go over things in her head, and that's it's not a reflection on me or to take is personally.
I obviously say of course and have no issue with that, tell her to look after herself and that I love her and will be here whenever she wants to talk.

She actually replied with I love you, and thank you. Which is a first time in quite a while.

So I get it into my head, okay no messages until she wants to talk, 4 hours later.. she's talking again, so here I am trying my best to give her the space she requested and she does that *facepalm*

Today she isn't talking much at all, so I've said to her I'll be leaving her be, and give her some time to herself.. to try and avoid me overthinking and messaging her like normal again.

I know my mind doesn't help, well for me anyway.. but I am doing better at not overthinking in this quiet communication time while she's away, I will have to keep that up when she's home, and not take things personally.

Not sure why I've posted this, I've not really asked anyone's opinion or a question.

But have a nice day everyone.

 

[LovingH]

Whew, you sound so much like me!!! Yup..this is anxiety disorder for ya, with a healthy helping of abandonment fear to boot.

And yeah..sure seems people like us tend to end up with those who need space or isolate a lot.

My ex was VERY close to me for 6 mos. Talk for 2 hrs at least, every night. See each other at least once a week. It's kind of funny how the distancing happened right after he said "I love you" to me first, for the first time.

I'm only now making that connection.

I know for me, I need to keep myself occupied when someone is "taking space" or I freak out. Me freaking out when my bf did this is why I harshly broke up with him, piling his stuff into a bag and making him come pick it up. :( (Note, I regretted it immediately..after a cpl days I apologized and wanted to work things out with him.)

Anxiety can be a killer :(

Do whatever you gotta do to distract yourself. Do you do yoga? Meditation? Cognitive behavioral therapy?

All of those things helped me in the past, and actually, I need to get back into them now.