@Bahaba
I completely understand what you are going through I'm a DV victim. I was for 7 years straight without stopping. Ive been Ten years free and I am currently starting to develop health problems from the past traumas I endoured. HBP, anxiety and sleep problems. My children need a healthy mother. Your children need a healthy mother. My children were taking out of that environment before it affected them. My son was slightly affected but he doesn't remember. He started developing a speech delay, comprehension issues and PTSD. Ten Years later and his struggles are still noticeable, but I made sure to never put them in that situation again. I understand about family abuse as well because I went through it. You must have a beautiful loving heart I can tell by how much this has taken from you and how you speak of it.
I though I was broken I felt numb, angry, ugly, disassociated from life and human beings. I figured that if the people in my life that are suppose to love me the most treat me this horrible, why on earth should I expect anything more from others. It made me bitter towards humanity. The truth is leaving your troubles and triggers behind is the only way out. You sound like ur experiencing the flight/fight response and can't deal with mean people anymore. Well guess what honey, you don't have to. You don't sound like your ready yet, but you will be soon. When you do you will look back and tell ur self that you should of done it long ago. You will realize how great you are and how beautiful and great your heart is. Don't lose hope in man kind and let the evil in your life take from you, who you are and who u were born to be.
You must not lose your roots nor let the lies of the horrible people and pain you've endured define you. You know who u are, who u were, and who God created you to be. You will only find this through PEACE. The only way is through peace in ur heart, soul and mind. You cannot put a price on peace, and nothing is worth you losing it. I advise you to go to church n pray. Go to ur room when the house is empty, kneel on the floor and ask God to give you strength to leave, to give you strength for your children, to help u bring back your inner peace. Pray for God to clean u and make u brand new again, so u can start again fresh. Fresh mind. One thing you have to do is mean it and cry cry cry and cry till you can't anymore. This will release a lot of pain and help your inner spirit tremendously. People like you are needed on this earth to balance out and help others. You have a beautiful giving heart that the world needs, and your children need, when you overcome this you will be able to move mountains with it.
I don't ever write on forums but I had to, a voice inside of me told me how beautiful u are inside and how life was trying to take from u. I believe it's the voice of God. I found God years after I left my DV situation and didn't realize till later that God was always with me even in the times were I thought I was taking my last breath I though God couldn't possibly be there. You will leave him soon, you will find peace again, you will realize that there are nice people left on earth who appreciate you, your not the only one left. You will be happy again. But don't expect to be 100% fixed. This will forever stay with you and torment u here and there because of your kind nature. The only way to fix this is to find peace. Your home is your sanctuary and must not have any threats nor negative energy or people in it. You must rid it from hate, violence, drugs, alcohol and any other negative thing, then and ONLY then will you be able to exhale, relax find yourself, break those chains around you and be set free. I wish you the best of blessings for you and your kids. May your angels surround your home keep you safe and create peace.
