Stuck in a dark place without a path forward

[Freida]

call 911 - please
Tell them -
You are suicidal NOW and that you tried to od last night
You have a plan. Be detailed -- this is not the time to minimize.
If you have attempted before what you did -- again. be detailed
They will send out an ambulance that will take you to the ER.
It will circumvent the therapists and get you somewhere safe for the time being
If there is a bed shortage they can keep you in the ER if needed because you came in by ambulance

1st priority is getting you safe. Once you are safe then you can work on a plan for everything else.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m in the parking lot and the doctor’s office has completely overwhelmed me with this damn medical refferal. I keep telling them “I am actively suicidal and don’t think I can make it to Monday and you want me to come up with money for a cardiac refferal and work up in California next Friday?” It’s not even an urgent matter at all whatsoever to have this cardiac workup done. Then they gave me a name of a hospital 4 hours away that I have no way to get to on a Friday night unless the ambulance (the one that no one including me is willing to call for) is willing to take me there. They started telling me I need to find out how to get this hearing rescheduled and my disability and back and why don’t I have a case manage and that I seem like a really strong woman and I am so resilient and.... I can’t take it anymore. Asking for help just leads to more pain. The pharmacy is two blocks away. I am throwing up. But I am walking there. I started to be ok slightly this afternoon until I saw the doctor. Maybe I need no more doctors or anyone else just meds and sleep. No one seems to believe me when I say I can’t do this I can not do this. Maybe I take the abilfy and maybe that makes it all stop for a few days and then maybe Monday everything can be sorted out. I can’t keep asking for help. I can’t do this. It is overwhelming me.

 

[Justmehere]

I look like a mess. I’m going to worry the pharmacist.

 

[Justmehere]

I told the doc that antipsychotics (atypical and otherwise) have always caused the paradoxical effect of hallucinations for me. Now we are about to start another.

 

[mamachick]

Please just call 911 and tell them you have been suicidal. This will stabilize your situation for the immediate time. Right now you can not worry about your disability and other appointments. Crisis unit social workers may be able to help with that also, but it is the weekend. If you call the police and tell them this, they will get you in somewhere.

 

[Justmehere]

I don’t have what it takes to call 911 on myself. Dialing the numbers on myself would put me into fight or flight and I would bolt. I think I could have stuck it out if a doc or therapist called, but they are not willing. They all think I’m ok enough.

It is calming to think of never having to talk to a therapist or doctor again. I took the abilify. I realize I’m not making sense by taking a medication and also saying it would be nice to never see a doctor or therapist again.

The bottle says to take it for “severe depression.” So well at least they know that much.

I keep shivering the past few days. I am wrapped up in a pile of blankets.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m going to kennel my dog tomorrow at a place where she gets lot of healthy excercise and good care tomorrow. Then she will be ok. I can’t afford it, but I can’t not afford it - don’t think she is much ok today. She didn’t get a walk. Then I won’t have to worry about her if I go inpatient. She is somewhere safe and sound and not taken from me to go to the dog pound.

 

[anthony]

Changing course -- what do you think all these professionals are going to do for you, that you can't do for yourself, to change suicidal thoughts / desires?

I am reading you, and it sounds like you're literally just doing what I read too often -- people getting worse because of the frustration they feel from the very system they turn to for help. What are you doing to improve this situation for you? What do you feel you need to change it for you?

 

[anthony]

Depression is a surface symptom >> what is the cause?

 

[Justmehere]

@anthony- Good question. I think that all they can do is stabilize meds, sleep, and the fact that I haven’t kept much food down for a few weeks, and keep me alive until I change my own mind. That’s all. I don’t much believe they could do anything else. Clearly there is something in me still trying to live. I’m also baffled. I don’t know what is getting to me THIS much, but continuing to ask for help is just making things worse.

 

[anthony]

What has gone in your life recently? Past six months?

 

[Abstract]

Sorry justmetnow to hear this. Understand not being taken seriously as too seemingly functional.
I suspect you are taking many things that are happening as indications that things cannot be different. That is NOT the case. Things can be different. Quite frankly being traumatised by being in hospital is less important than you still being around. First step and priority now. Next one after. Do you have anyone that could phone for you? What about your church friends? Overwhelm and pushing yourslelf too hard to fast is likely part of this so don't let any of these things make you take undo able and unnecessary actions.

I think prising apart cause is always wise. For me being trapped or feeling nothing will change as well as certain complex interpersonal things dont help. Sending you support.