Stuck In Therapy

[mylunareclipse]

I have been in therapy for a year and a half and I feel like I'm reaching a weird point.


I am good enough to get through the day on most days so I am having a lot of resistance towards fighting to get better. Some part of me thinks I don't deserve to get better anyway.

I feel ambiguous toward my therapist. It never occurred to me that I was supposed to have some sort of relationship form between therapist and I. I often thought of my therapist as a computer in the beginning just trying to give me insight etc.

But now I feel like there's some sort of attachment appearing and it's freaking me out so much. I have no other people on my life at the moment as I avoid everything and everyone. I am so used to just counting on myself and never rely on anyone.

Recently I have emailed my therapist about some good news I have had and she has been very kind. However, I feel it impossible to reach out to her when I am having a bad day.

Also, I cannot tell if my therapist enjoys working with me or not. I would really like it to be so but I don't want to get my hopes up. It feels safer to just to "work" and not worry about this part.

Last few sessions I have tried to just talk about my childhood etc revealing very personal stuff but I still cannot let myself feel anything in therapy. I have actually never cried at all.

During my therapy a lot of body memories that I had no idea existed starting to surface and I also avoid this topic like the plague. I feel like I'm making things sound worse than they are so shouldn't bother discussing.

But then there's a lot of silence and I feel stuck. Not sure what to do. I feel like somehow I cannot let go. A huge part is that it's hard for me to tell if my therapist cares or not She has never said so. Or said I'm sorry that happened to you. Or that must have been hard etc etc. I know it sounds silly but if I don't hear these words I am left in the doubt of whether therapy can work any further.


Has anyone else experienced something like this? Is it normal to want your therapist to show more care? Should I try to rely on my therapist to help me out or just keep working as I have? Or should I move on and try to see if I can find another therapist that I can match better with. I feel very confused. This is my first therapist and not sure I know where therapy is supposed to go at this point.

Thank you so much for any feedback.

 

[amosmorris]

What you've written here is perfect material for therapy: my advice is to print it out and to bring it to your next session. Yes, that'll be hard and awkward--and yes, that is the work of therapy. I have many times felt like crawling under or behind the couch during a session. This means you're getting into the work. Good for you....we all struggle through/have been there and in many ways--as hard as it is--I am thinking these days about how that is part of the gift.

 

[Lee2001]

I agree with @amosmorris. I would bring this up in therapy and then see how it goes. If after some time you do not feel like you are clicking or that Therapist doesn't care, you could consider switching. The relationship is so important for therapy to work!

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your advice we will see how it goes. I don't think I can bring this written to therapy , but I will try to bring it up.

I can tell that she is a nice person. However, somehow I don't feel a connection where I can count to be safe with her and my feelings. I guess often she is just quiet after I say or bring up things and this makes me so confused. I don't know what else to do for her to like me. Though I guess this is part of the problem lol

 

[watundah]

I have that problem a lot and my T has to ply me with questions. The long pauses would be excruciating for me. But I doubt theyre all willing to put that much energy in. And you deserve to get the compassionate responses youre craving